[janehill]

Oh boy. As others have said, please, please, please talk your wife into seeing a counselor with you. You both have some difficult issues to work out - perhaps more so than the infertility.

I don't know how you can avoid feeling stressed. Please correct if I am wrong but I read it like this:

1. You have an incurable condition (that's pretty serious) and when you have flares, the steroids relieve it but diminish your sperm production/quality. Don't see how you could do anything more.
2. You are eager to have a child with your wife and don't care if it's genetically yours or not (implying sperm donor). But your wife refuses because it wouldn't be your genetic child. So that leaves you in a bind, I'm sure.
3. She feels resentful of your condition. Okay, I'm sure you feel more resentful and sad than anyone.
4. And if the IUI's don't work out (which, given the above, seems difficult), she wants you to have a vasectomy? Can you elaborate on the rationale for this? I mean, is there a legitimate reason why a 26 year old man who is in a marriage where both parties want to have a child would EVER have a vasectomy?

Unless she's willing to wait until your health improves (and you don't need the steroids), there really is no solution.

My heart goes out to you because you're in a no-win situation. Again, some much-needed counseling is in order.

Much luck to you (you're a very good man).