[DANIgrl]

Hi ladies...My wounds are still very fresh. We lost the baby at 12 1/2 wks.
What should have been an routine OB appt last Monday turned into a nightmare. OB couldn't find HB with his handheld monitor. He didn't seem concerned bc my uterus is retroverted so he tried again this time pushing up with other hand...fingers actually attempting to lift my uterus. Still no hb. He said he still wasn't concerned... WT F? and knew I had appt scheduled the following day (Tues) with a Perinatologist to discuss CVS due to my advanced maternal age. He said no need to do an u/s since Peri will do one tomorrow...unless you really want one....Well hell yes I wanted one! I already went thru a mc in November at 6 - 7 weeks so I was worried even though he wasn't!!
He made a phone call and got me in for an u/s right away. I didn't know the u/s place was not in his office although it was just a few offices down the hall in the same bldg. So I got dressed and down the hall I go. I didn't even call DH at this point. He didn't come with me this day b/c he was going to miss work the following day to be with me all day for Pernatologist appt. Well the u/s tech kept apologizing, first I think for the cold gel, then kept saying "I'm sorry" over and over in a nervous way as if she was hurting me but then I realized there was no HB and said "you don't see anything do you?" She just said "I'm sorry, its been a bad day." She quickly did a vaginal and same thing...no movement at all. This was the first U/S I had since 7 wks at RE's office when it still looked like a bean, so this was the first time I actually saw it look like a baby. Can't get that image out, not that I want to, but when she turned on the color screen, that shows blood flow or heat or whatever, there was nothing except a few spots away from the baby. Thats when I knew for sure.
I got dressed once again and walked alone and numb back to OB's office and he said he really wasn't expecting this. I called DH and he couldn't believe it. He started driving to meet me right away. The Dr explained D/C (which I am familiar since I just had one in November) and said he knows it has to be chromosomal abnormality. Dr was able to get me in for D/C the following day...he cleared his sched for me as i wanted to get it over with, and DH aleady planned to be with me for Perinatologist appt on Tues anyway. I also asked him to have the testing done although he says he doesn't usually do that.
So Tuesday we spent all day at the Hospital for the procedure. I was numb for a few days and almost seems that it has been harder the last few days.
I was supposed to be 12 1/2 weeks but the baby measured at 10 weeks. I had no signs at all...no spotting or cramping. At the beginning of my OB appt, as I was being weighed by the nurse, I mentioned how I didn't "feel Pregnant anymore". Of course she explained it away and said I as in the transition stage of 1st trimester to 2nd. I swear I felt as if I stopped growing and was actually getting smaller and the MS stopped suddenly. Since I have never been 12 wks pg before, I didn't know what changes, if any to expect.

Well, that's it. Sorry about the ranting or wordiness.

DH has been great...up 'til this evening when he invited a friend over to watch a fight on PPView. We got into an argument over it. He told me 1 1/2 hrs before his friend was coming over, didn't even ask how I felt about it... I guess he has his way of recovering and I have mine. He still should have considered how I felt. I just don't feel like being around others yet and having to smile and be sociable. Sorry, girls but this is obviously still so fresh.

He did have a huge, I mean huge, exotic flower arrangement delivered to the house today. It is beautiful. But I am still mad at him. He knew for days that he invited his friend, who is loud, etc. but failed to mention it to me for fear I would day no. How inconsiderate is that?
Sorry, I am just so p'd off!

My RE left me a message a few days ago (OB called him with the news) offering his sincere apologies and when I'm ready, would like to see us again to talk about things. Am trying to move toward that.
Sorry for the long post, but I haven't had many to discuss this with since we only told ab 2 people about our pregancy...for this reason I suppose...but now I have found you guys. Thanks for listening.... I just left a post on my due date buddies thread to as well, but can't keep checking into that thread ya know?