Jessie-
I know it's hard. But it will only get harder if you stop going to church. Believe me. We went through some hard times where we didn't stop going but we'd miss a couple sundays here and there and even when we did go, I only went for my kids, because I wanted them to be there, but my heart was not in it.
Those were some of the hardest times. I could feel myself on the verge of falling away if I didn't step up and start putting my heart into it.
Once I went to my bishop and let him know what was going on and how hard it was for me to even be there he helped to put a lot of things in perspective and also encouraged me to start reading my scriptures and praying again and things started to change.
Things were still hard after that. I finally was able to get pregnant....several times but we lost each pregnancy. It was devestating, but honestly without the gospel there and my testimony that I was getting back it would have been completely unbearable.
Instead, having the gospel and church friends who had also suffered miscarriages there to help me really made a difference. It gave me peace. It gave me hope for next time.
This last mothers day was the best day of my life....I was finally able to get my temple recommend back (my mothers day present to myself I guess you could say) and I was again starting another pregnancy...this time with twins...but we knew fromt he start we might be loosing one.
I went to the temple very shortly after that and it was so special. The next week we lost our smaller twin, but everything was going great with the remaining twin. Again I recieved so much peace through that hard time, because of the gospel.
I'm now 26 1/2 weeks pregnant and to my suprise, while it changes everything...it also changes nothing. I'm still the same person I was. It didn't take getting pregnant to become that strong person,or to know that I was finally a worthy person. It took me being me...and faith and continued obediance to "enduring to the end" and holding strong during trials to realize that God loved me and I was worthy of not only being a mother but of his love.
Please go back to church, even when it's hard. Talk to your bishop, get back to the temple. Find some friends in your ward that have experienced some of the same things with infertility, or with deployments.
Don't let infertility destroy you, rise above it and have faith that in Gods time you will be blessed with all things.
It will be worth it in the end. I promise!!!
