[wtnganother1]

Our first was conceived when we were trying to NOT get pregnant and not ready to have a child yet. So, not being able to have #2 for the last 7 years has been agonizing, and I'm sure that it would that much more painful if we didn't have any so far. I knew people along the way who had trouble getting pregnant, and two never could and both adopted, which was another grueling process. At the time, I wasn't going through treatment for IF and I had NO IDEA what they were truly going through. No one ever does, until or unless you experience yourself. This is an exclusive club.......one that we're all trying desperately to get out of. I don't know why some people get pregnant even when they can't take care of that child. I don't know why God blesses them with a child and not some other people who would make wonderful parents. It's not fair, and it never will be. Some people truly are meant to adopt, but not everyone can or choose to, and some people prefer to experience their own pregnancy/childbirth. I do know that, if you're able to get pregnant at some point, or do adopt, that your heart changes yet again and being to heal. You never forget the pain you had, but you are able to actually be happy for other people who announce they're pregnant, and I can stand going to a baby shower once again, and I can see that adorable baby at the grocery store checkout and not cry anymore, and I can be happy for families that I see together. I can watch the Duggar's and not resent every fertile egg in that woman's body and wonder what's wrong with mine!

BUT, I must also confess that, if I hadn't gotten pregnant, even after trying longer, I don't know what person I would be. I don't know how you heal. I don't know how you become happy again, and live childfree and not be resentful. I know that you have to try, because life will be VERY long and miserable otherwise. But I don't know how to do it. And I hope that none of you have to try.

I used to pray that God would either give us our own baby, or lead us down the road to adopt someone else's, or give me the peace to stop trying. For years He did none of those, and that made me even angrier. The anger is gone now, but I hate to think about the person I would be if it was still there.