[anilorak13ska]

This is an interesting mix of perspectives here Up to about 2 weeks ago, I thought "I must be a mother, one way or another". I was convinced that I had to do it. Money was an issue for us, still is. But we have learned to budget the heck out of our income, and saved enough to say, look, this is our budget and we're sticking to it.

But then 12 days ago, we got our very first foster placement, and suddenly we found ourselves doing what we thought we wanted to do for so many years - we are parenting a baby! And perhaps it's still too soon to say definitively, but we no longer see parenting a baby through rosy sunglasses! When she's quiet or gurgling and smiling, she's awesome and we love having her! But the rest of the time, she screams and cries and we don't know what she wants - we've fed her, given her water, changed her, she's napped, she's not too hot or cold, her clothes are comfy... WHAT!!!!??? And we don't sleep much. She's 7 months old, and to think that when she goes home, we'd sign up to do it all over again and for longer (from newborn up) is all but out of the question!

For the first time ever I considered if being child-free would really be such an end of the world. We have an awesome 4.5 yo niece who's like a part-time daughter to us... perhaps we can just be the best darn auntie and uncle around?

On the other hand, we're thinking maybe this experience is God's way to lead us to adopting an older child?

Either way, here's what I've learned on our journey and I think if repeated frequently enough, and with enough convinction, it can make the difference between inner-conflict and inner-peace:

"God, I pray that you fulfill this wish to become parents that we hold so dear. But if this is not your will, then I pray that you take this desire from my heart. For if I seek to do your will, I can do no wrong."