[J9yinyang]

I'm sure this is just normal marriage pain, but I wanted to vent. There are times when I wonder why in the h*ll I'm bothering to put myself through all of this, trying to get pregnant. It'll help if you all have some history.

My parents divorced when I was 3. Before that, they'd had a very volatile relationship. They screamed at each other all the time. Shortly after the divorce was final (which was also ugly), my dad remarried. The woman he married was a nightmare (bipolar, abusive both verbally and physically), and was allowed free rein by my father to do whatever she deemed "necessary" to me, but not my sister. My mother and my sister were always at odds, and my mom spent very little time with us, so I was my sister's favorite target for meanness. Finally, Mom couldn't take my sister anymore, and sent us to live with my dad when I was 9 (Dad wouldn't take only my sister). Until I was 16 and started fighting back, my stepmother beat the crap out of me every day. She threw me down the stairs, dragged me out of bed and through the house by my hair because I hadn't emptied the dishwasher the night before, etc. My sister and father both preferred to act like I wasn't there. At 4 I had been diagnosed with ADD, and put on ritalin. My mother said it made me act like a zombie, so she took me off of it. I was never medicated again. I also had a higher-than-normal IQ as a child, so it took more to keep me busy. So, I developed a bit of a talking problem. My father says I have "diarrhea of the mouth". The more uncomfortable I am, or tired, or excited about a topic, or whatever, I talk. Almost incessantly. And if the person I'm talking to seems bored or annoyed by how much I'm talking, I can't help it, I talk more.

At 28, I hadn't had a date in 3 years, and hadn't really "dated" anyone in 7 years. And I was (am) obese. After years of being told no man would ever want me, because I was fat and talked too much, I decided that maybe that was true, and I should just get used to being alone, and make myself like it. I bought a house, instead of paying rent the rest of my life, and prepared to just be an auntie to my niece (9) and two nephews (6 & 4). Well, that didn't work out that well, either, because my sister and I still had problems getting along, and she got tired of me hanging around her house and spending time with her kids all the time (unless, of course, she needed house work or yard work done, or if she wanted a night off without the kids, that is). The kids adored me, and I thought, with them in my life, maybe I'd be ok. But my sister started hinting that I should not come over so much, and even told me I should get a life. So here I was, in my new house, by myself. I was lonely. So I got online. And I met the hubby. He lived in New York, I lived in Michigan. So when he moved to be near me, he moved in with me. A little over a year later, we were married. Some days, I think that I only married him because I wanted to have kids, and he was the only one who was ever going to ask me. I love him, but sometimes I think I was better off alone.

Now down to why I ask if I want to breed with him. I have had a hard life. And I can list the reasons why I really don't know if I should be someone's mom. But at least I have control over my own behavior. But I can't control his, and sometimes his behavior reminds me so much of my dad's (or a petulant child), I really worry about having him around "my" children. I can see myself turning into this witchy control freak wife, who can't stop nagging him and correcting his behavior. And I don't want to live like that, but I don't know how well I'll do giving up control. I know how badly certain things a parent says or does can hurt a sensitive child firsthand, and I couldn't stand it if he did that to "my" child.

What brings this up is, hubby and I were watching American Idol last night, and after it was over, he commented on how surprised he was that one of the contestants was in the bottom three. So I expressed my opinion about why he was down there, and why he wasn't the best singer. And I was probably long-winded about it. Of course, considering the entire conversation took less than 5 minutes, you can judge for yourself. Anyway, about 4 1/2 minutes in, my husband started singing a song... over top of me talking to him. I stopped for a minute, he stopped, then I started talking again, and he continued to sing. I was incensed, and yelled at him **** You! This isn't the first time he's either talked over me or interrupted me to change the subject to something he wanted to complain about or whatever, so I was mad. And it hurt my feelings that he couldn't even feign interest, but chose to be rude, instead. So he said "Why would I want to listen to you go on and on about this? It's boring!" And I responded by saying that, every time he gets on a 3 hour dissertation about conditions and battle strategies during the Civil War, it's not like I'm enthralled, but I'm not rude to him about it. He eventually apologized, but my point is, not only was he rude, he went so far as to DEFEND it, and stayed mad at ME for getting angry about it for half an hour before he admitted he was wrong.

Maybe I should go and get marriage counseling, but I honestly don't think that I can change his behavior at this stage in his life. He's not a bad person. He's actually really great most of the time. And I'm sure I'll go home this evening and explain to him how he hurt my feelings, and he'll be very sorry. But it won't change anything. Another week or month from now, he'll do it again. And I'll be hurt again. And if I can't trust him not to hurt me, how could I possibly want to have children with him?