[Marion]

This is my story of moving on........

I used to envy everyone that had a baby or at least was able to conceive, I thought
having a baby would just make my life perfect, I already had a wonderful husband, a nice house,
a new car, a job etc all I needed (so I thought) was a baby then I would have everything and life would be just great.
I had visions of a cute, sweet smelling, smiling, happy baby, the sun would always be shining, I would
be calm, serene and stress free, we would be the perfect family......
I held onto that dream with a vice like grip! I was determined to have it, at all costs!
I didn't get "the dream" though, we spent a lot of money trying to achieve it, we were unhappy at the
way things were progressing with the treatments and I became rather sick (after an egg pick up) and was
hospitalised, and I was very stressed which only confirmed my thoughts of "if only I had that baby
then I would be happy, calm and that sun would be shining, ******!"
After we decided that we would stop treatments I thought I would be relieved and I was to an extent
but when that feeling wore off I was back to being miserable and being envious, I couldn't look at a
baby without feeling resentful of the fact that it wasn't me with that baby, I avoided everyone that
had a child or was going to have one and never mentioned babies in any way shape or form.
I thought I was coping and dealing with it just fine but I now know I wasn't, I was just so miserable
all the time, nothing really made me happy ever, I was just so angry at everyone, my friends, life, the Doctors etc.
It took me a long time (about 3 years from the time I started IVF) to get past all those feelings and it was
really hard, I always felt so alone and that no one really understood me or what I was going through.
I felt I didn't deserve to be happy for some insane reason, that I had to be unhappy because what did I
have to be happy about? Lots!! I have a wonderful, supportive husband, three cats and a dog (who are my babies),
a great house, a nice car, I have been on some fantasticholidays, I have made some wonderful friends that I met through my
infertility journey and really helped make a difference in my life, I'm healthy, etc etc, there are so many
things, I had just forgotten them. I will always miss the fact that I was never able to
bear and raise a child of my own and I don't think you ever really "get over it" but I have learnt to value and
appreciate the things I do have and not to waste (at least not waste too much time) time being miserable over the things
I don't have and really have no control over, I can't change the fact that I am "infertile" but I can change
how I look at and live my life.I still avoid people to a degree with babies/children
especially those who talk about nothing else, as I really have nothing in common with them, but I am not
resentful or angry at them anymore. I still occasionally get hurt by insensitive comments
made by those who have never been through the infertility journey but it doesn’t hurt as bad and not as often, the
pain never goes away but it does get less but it does take time.
My friends are envious at my life and I used to be envious of theirs now I know my life isn't better or worse for not being able to have a baby, my life is just different.
It's funny because I wrote this quite a few years ago now, I have come such a long way since then.
I have to say that I really am happy with my life the way it is and have moved on so much that I really don't even want a child of my own anymore (partly because of my age, partly because I am so used to this way of life now).Sounds very strange to me to say that out loud especially since I never thought I would say it .
Marion