[Tracey23]

Thanks everyone for the support. DH and I just got back from a mini holiday and we talked a bit about how I was feeling and what we wanted to do. We are going to continue to try, but we may wait until next year now as I really need to go home to see my family in Australia. I have to say that after my first completed cycle and how I felt when af arrived that I didn't expect it and it has made me think of my son all over again. My pg was an accident at first, DH and I hadn't been together long, and I had just moved to Canada, I literally moved here in the May of 01 and by June I was pg. But after a problem free 12 wks I started to relax and enjoy my morning sickness. Yes I did enjoy it, but that only happened after I heard the heartbeat and understood that if he needed me to be sick, then sick I was going to be, I actually lost 14lbs when I wa pg, so for me that was the best diet available. At 16wks I had really bad cramps which was diagnosed as a stage 3 bladder infection which was treated with IV antibiotics, and after 2 wks I got the all clear only to discover at 21wks when I went into labor that I have an incompetent cervix, my labor lasted 36 hrs and that was the worst pain that I have ever been in. I had 3 epidurals and the longest pain relief that I had was 2 hrs, I had the drs amazed, as it was clear to them thatmy son didn't want to be born, but they couldn't get the contractions to end, I was 4cm dilated and that was as far as I got even at delivery. By the end when they realized that he wasn't going to make it, I was being given morphine every 15mins to help with the pain. As you can imagine, I don't remember much of that and the days to follow, he was born alive, and I was holding him when he dies 2 hrs later and we did have a funeral for him, but I didn't really remember much of that until recently, which is why I was almost decided against trying to have a baby after my last cycle. I actually talked to a friend of mine who is a therapist and she told me all it takes is a relatively minor event to unlock feelings like that, but now that I remember what happened I can deal with it, and when I feel I am ready to try again I will be hopefully in a better place to deal with disappointment if it comes. Sorry for the long post here, I should have opeded my own thread, but I appreciate people listening and I have to say for all you ladies who have had multiple mc, I think you are the most amazing women around. I was told how I reacted to my son's death and I have informed the family if I go through 1 more mc, doesn't matter what stage, I will never go through another pg as it almost destroyed my marriage and it has caused me a lot of emothional problems, which I am now dealing with. After reading some of your stories I have realised that we have a strength that we don't know even exists, otherwise how could we go through these losses and still be willing to put ourselves in that position again. Like some you, I am now keeping the idea of a baby firmly in my mind, I know that I will have a child one day, I just hope that I don't have to go through anymore losses again in order to have my dream fulfilled. My prayers are with you all and I hope that everything works out for you and that you never have to go through heartbreak again.