I'm so stressed out lately that I can hardly stand to be around myself. I've been having these health issues for over a year, without any incidents to speak of prior to them. Next thing I know I've got Ob/Gyns talking about IVF and I'm making appointments with fertility specialists... worse part is I don't even know how I got here.
In the process of all this going on, hubby and I are involved in an extensive battle regarding his children. Their Biomom is the typical posterchild for being uncooperative, jealous and just down right nasty. She's got children by three men, only one of whom she's let stick around, one she ran off years ago and then there's my husband who she's been trying to run off for about 8 years. She has no respect for herself, my husband or her own children.
Recently she's been trying to make me the aim of her fire because "she doesn't have children" is her excuse. She thinks I'm jealous of her children when it's really the opposite, I pitty them for not having the mother they deserve. Not to say that I am as I don't know the first thing about parenting... but then again who does prior to having any... I'm sure she didn't at one time either.
Now that I'm hearing terms like fertility doctor, IVF etc. I find that our whole situation breaks my heart all the more... some days it feels like it's a sign from somewhere beyond and I know that I should know better... but it gets really hard.
My hormones have been doing 180 since this all started, my poor husband being the on the receiving end of majority of it which only makes me feel worse because no matter how hard I try to control it, I can't.
The worse part is knowing that the whole doctor thing is starting all over again and I'm to the point where I don't trust any of them. I've been to a total of 8 doctors over the course of about six months, having at least one appt a week, sometimes more, for several months until i completely ran out of energy. I've had laparo, colonoscopy, EGD, D&C and the list goes on. I've been diagnosed with everything from Endo, to GERD and having a hiatal hernia... all of which explain my symptoms, but not one that's being treated.
Got the red monster today, much like every other month my back, hips, legs etc hurt so bad it's not worth getting of my couch. I'm worried though because from one to the next their becomming lighter and shorter, as well as my cycle is getting longer. I pass all sorts of odd things which doctors cannot seem to comment on... sometimes it's snow white tissue, other times it's cinnamon colored looking grit. I've been checked for everything from STDs (several times over) to stones of every nature and so on... nothing.
I've already commited to seeing this doctor next week, but I cannot bare the thought of putting myself through what everyone else has with IVF. I just don't have the energy and what energy I do have I would rather direct to my husband and step-children.
Is there ever going to be an end to this? Has anyone made it past the endo and lived a normal life?
I don't even recognize who I am compared to just two years ago as I have changed in every aspect. I don't get out any more, more so because of always being tired or in pain or both. My mood just outright sucks as I find myself constantly angry... angry because I don't feel i get listened to, nobody takes me seriously... mostly just from having to deal with so many doctors. Family doesn't even want to hear about it anymore and I can't say I really blame them, but there are days it takes everything in me to keep from balling up and crying all day.
All I know is I miss me... my life... my husband. Everything has changed and I hate it, but can't seem to get back to where I was. This all came on so suddenly and it doesn't seem it's ever going to let up...
Has anyone been through this... please tell me it gets better??