|
Crushed & Devastated!
I don't know what to do at this point. I will give you some backround information to start. My wife and I have been married for over 6 yaers and been going thr Infertility for over 4 years. When we started down this path we were both on the same page. I was very supportive. As the time progressed we both went thru different stages of the Infertility Process and stresses that it causes. The past year my wife has been much better while I have been the one who had changed. I started to withdraw from her in most ways. I felt ashamed, guilty, angry, and helpless. I was raised to protect the ones that I love and to fix problems. As I withdrew farther and farther this caused issues. I started to question our very relationship and the differences that we had. I became negative. It was like this shadow of infertility was a reminder everyday that I was a failure and couldn't give my Wife the one thing that she wanted more than anything. We had started an IVF cycle and I broke. I stopped her. I couldn't continue even though she was the one doing 95% of the work. I was so frustrated with being helpless. She was hurt and angry with me causing me to feel even worse about myself. We did begin to go to counceling but I stopped that after 3 or 4 sessions. I said some things during sessions that were very hurtful to my wife. I never blamed her for Infertility. I blamed myself for not being able to protect her or fix the situation. I was crushed and ashamed. This only caused things within our relationship to get worse. She demanded that I move into the spare bedroom which I did. Then I mentioned that maybe I should go stay at my Mothers to give us room to breath and get a hold of the situation. We missed Christmas together for the first time in 10 years which she blamed on me. She was very angry. Then on New Years Eve my Mother had 2 Anuerysms and nearly died. She was in the ICU for 17 days which took my focus away from my marital issues. I am an only child so my Mother is so important to me. Then 2 days after they move my Mother to the rehibilitation wing of the Hospital, my Wife called me to let me know that she filed for Divorce. I was and am crushed and devastated. WHile in the ICU day after day with my Mother the Shadow of Infertility began to lift for me. I realized why I married my wife in the first place and remembered all of the dreams that we shared. I saw that spark again. I LOVE MY WIFE! I don't want to be married to anyone else! Her reasoning was that she said that I left her long ago when I began to withdraw. That she had enough of feeling alone! So now I am Devastated. Not sleeping, wanting everything that I had dreamt of with my Wife! I was wrong in withdrawing. I didn't need to protect her or fix anything! I just had to be with her along the journey reminding her that I love her and that we were a team. I NOW FEEL THAT I HAVE TOTALLY FAILED! I would have done anything for her. SHE was my wife! If anyone has any thoughts or has been thru a similar situation I would love any input.
Thank You,
InfertilityCrushed2
|