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Hey Ladies. I'm having lunch with my SIL today and I look like crap!! Pure and simple. It started when we were watching "PS I love you" last night. I just went through trying to figure out all the feelings that Hilary Swank's character went through so that hit close to home, except that my DH is still alive. (Thank God!) And I've known that losing my third pregnancy was going to hit me soon, I didnt' realize it would be last night. I was up crying most of the night. I hate IF and how unfair it can be. I cried for Ronni and DH for quite a while. And I cried for our third loss. I'm at my wits end.
I then got up this morning and looked in the mirror, my eyes are beyond puffy. I swear they're close to being swollen shut. But I ignored it and planned to put a cold compress on them before getting ready for my lunch date. Dh reminded me to check out our house listing which I did but then they screwed almost everything up and I had to rewrite it. (I should be in real estate for pete's sake, I used to do DH's write ups for him too!!!!) I sent that email off and I'm feeling my nerves being pulled tighter and tighter. Look down at my list of must dos and remember I need to try and book an u/s. I call the central booking office and get NOTHING but attitude. Because my clinic is in the next province over I have to go to my regular GP which would be probably a two to three week wait, by which time I'd have AF again, and we're trying to organize that I start suppression on the next cycle. She tells me I can pay for said u/s but I have NEVER IN MY LIFE payed for an u/s. She starts accusing me that I've already had ER and I'm trying to tell her no, but I had an ectopic and need a baseline for that reason. She wouldn't listen to me and I hung up the phone BAWLING! Called DH and told him I'm calling the clinic and taking us off the iVF waiting list.
I am so **** sick of jumping through hoops for the medical proffession! I told Dh that next they'll want me to put on a red freakin nose and squeeky shoes and dance around for their amusement. Seriously, not even the medical proffession understands the amount of stress and crap they put us through!
I'm so sick of this. I so honestly at this very moment don't care anymore. I'm sick of deserving people going through this, losing their babies, jumping through medical hoops....I'm sick of fighting....I can't help but give up. Dh told me that it'll be all alright tomorrow, that I'll want to cycle and that it will be different but at this point, I can't even bring myself to fly alone to go for a freakin ultra sound! (Severe fright of flying alone!!! and severe fright of flying period) Not to mention that I shake thinking about having to drive in our clinic city.
It all brings me to wonder, I want this so bad, why can't I act like it? So maybe I don't want this badly enough?!?! IF brings so many conflicting feelings with it. I'm just done.
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