[inspiration]

I hope it is ok that i post this here because it doesnt look like its many post on the secondary fertility. I dont mean to offend anyone.
This is sorta a long story but i will try to sum it up. I am 32 yrs old and i have a 9 year old son and a baby that died at birth in 2004. I have been trying to get pregnant again since Jan 2005.
I was 22 when i first got pregnant. Wasnt trying and just some how we had a little slip up and got pregnant. He must of been meant to be. I was scared but happy.
I wanted more children but my husband wanted to wait. When my son turned 5 years old I talked my husband in to having another child. We started in November but i didnt get pregnant. By the 4th month i thought something was wrong with me. I begged my dr for clomid and he gave me a low dose and i got pregnant with my second son. I was so happy. I was going to have 2 boys and they were going to be 6 years a part. A little farther a part than i wanted them but not bad. By the time i was 4 months pregnant i started loosing weight, something didnt feel right. By 6 months i started bleeding, i went to the dr and they told me i have placenta previa but they wanted to send me to get a 3D ultrasound because they couldnt see on the ultrasound well because my placenta was in the way.
So I went to get the ultrasound and they told me that had no fluid. They found out that my baby did not develop kidneys and thats why i had no fluid. They said after 3 months that the baby's urine makes the fluid. They told me he was going to die at birth because his lungs werent going to develop with no fluid. I had to go on strict bed rest or i was going to bleed to death because of my placenta previa and no fluid made the baby push on it more. I couldnt believe what i had heard. I came home and cried for days. I had to lay in bed. I kept bleeding and passing clumps. My dr told me he needed to go ahead and throw me into labor because my baby was not going to survive and he was scared i could bleed to death. I shouldnt of trusted the dr but i did.
So i ended up at the hospital where they threw me into labor, i was in labor for 24 hours and then my placenta abrupted and i almost bleed to death. I was rushed in for an emergency c-section where th ahole dr cut me up and down instead of side to side. He told me that was not going to happen and it did. He told me that he saved me from having to have a hesterectomy. Dont know how to spell it.
My beautiful baby looked so perfect. U could tell he was early. I was around 27 weeks. U couldnt tell anything was wrong with him. We had a little funeral for him. I went through really bad depression after that.
I started trying to get pregnant again hoping that another baby would help me get through. I couldnt get pregnant. So my dr (different dr - never went back to the quack) put me on clomid. I took 4 cycles and still no pregnancy. So my husband got checked and we found out he was in the grayzone as far as sperm count. They sent him to a uroiligist and we found out my husband had 1 vasdifferin - tube that carries sperm out. The dr said he probably had 1 kidney. So we had him checked and he had 1 kidney. I cried and cried because i then knew that what they told me was a fluke was genetic. Its called Potters syndrome. They told me we have a 20 to 25% chance that our next baby will have some kind of kidney problems. Could be 1 kidney or no kidneys or 1 small kidney and 1 large. We had my 9 yr old checked and he has both kidneys.
It took me a while but after around 6 months i got brave to start trying again. This was around Feb 2006. My husband had his sperm checked again in Dec 2005 and he had high sperm count so we werent worried about that. In July 2006 I was pregnant on my own and within days i miscarried. So i started trying again but no luck. My dr put me on clomid again in 2007 for 3 months and no luck. In Jan 2008 i had a laproscopy done and found out i have between a 2 and 3 endometriosis. My tubes were fine it was on my uterus. So he cleaned me up. I started trying again and have tried for 4 months. 2 months i was on clomid.
I started my period today and I am so mad. I have cried all day. I dont understand I am MAD!!! Why come God takes my baby but he wont even help me by giving me another baby. Why? Why does he continue to give all these people that hurt their kids or drug users babies but he cant even give me another baby to fill my empty arms. Ok so i know he needed my baby for some reason but why cant he help me deal with the pain and make it easier by blessing me with another baby. Im not asking for 3 or 4 kids. All i want is another healthy baby to give my son a sibling. I know that they would be 10 years apart but they would be closer when they got older. WHY??? I just want God to answer me why.
i am very thankful for the son i do have with me. My sister has endo and couldnt have any but she has adopted 2. So i am thankful for my son but it hurts so bad that my baby died and i cant get pregnant again for some reason.