[ErinR]

I just joined today, so I hope I'm posting this in the right forum!

We are trying with our first together. Dh has a 13 y/o and I have no children. I'm 25 and he is 35. We've been trying for about a year and half with no luck. I have PCOS and dh has a very low sperm count (we think). He is being tested again next week. Anyway, all of our friends are pregnant or have little ones. It is so hard to deal with. My friends don't mean to, but they are constantly making little comments here and there about how we should quit trying and then it will happen. They keep saying that God does things on his own time and to be patient. One went as far as to give me a "lecture" about how I'll never know real love until I have a child of my own. How do you deal with this??? It's literally getting to the point where I don't want to be around my friends. They're getting pregnant at the drop of the hat and we have to attend baby showers/births/baby b-day parties/etc out the wazzoo! I don't want to be a "downer" around them but it's getting really hard to handle. How does one deal with this??? Sometimes I feel as if dh doesn't even understand b/c he already has a child. Sometimes it just seems like to much! Any suggestions anyone?

[pink123]

I am currently dealing with the same issues however my husband and I can get pregnant just can't seem to say that way (3 miscarriages). We are the only one of our friends not pregnant or with little ones and it is tough.

When someone says a hurtful thing like "there must have been something wrong with the baby, it's for the better" or "no matter whats wrong with you I'll always be your friend" I try to tell myself they don't mean to hurt my feelings, they are just trying to understand it and make me feel better. As for baby showers and births I take it day to day if I feel up to it on the day I go if I am having a down day I stay away and my friends and family seem to understand.

I wish you all the best in the future I know how it feels to long for a baby.

[hopetoadopt472]

I'm sorry you're going thru all this Erin! I know how hard it can be watching all your friends fufill their dreams while you still wait for yours to come true.


What always helped me was to stop and realize that the people around me deserved to be happy and although it was taking me ALOT longer than others, it WOULD happen for me too..one way or another.

Don't ever give up. Try to keep positive..even though I KNOW how hard this can be. I can't even tell you how many tears I cried over my inability to conceive. It's just not fair that those of us that want children more than anything in the world can't have them as easily as others.

At the same time try try try not to let this be the main focus of your life. It can consume you and drive you nuts. I know how hard that is too. For years when someone asked me what day it was I'd respond..then think to myself "cd 11..must have sex tonight". lol.

No one can understand unless they have been there. Don't attend the baby showers if you don't want. Don't worry about offending others. Take care of YOU!

We are all here to support you through your ups and downs.

[slobin]

I'm going through the same struggle with everyone around me being pregnant and/or having kids already. This has been so painful for me! I'm at the point where I am isolated from most of my firends because it's so painful for me. I know this isn't the "right" way to feel, but I just can't be around them. I am so tired of hearing about the next pregnant friend! I definitely don't go to showers or anything like that.

Is there anyone else who just absolutely cannot be around pregnant people/kids?

Do people feel so isolated like they are the only one?

I know that 1 in 8 women faces infertility, but then how come NOBODY I know does???

[ErinR]

I feel exactly the same way! I only know a couple of people who are infertile and I've met them online. My group of friends (there are about 12 of us) have been friends since high school. We all attend everything for the other girls. Most of the time I'm a hostess for their wedding/baby showers. No one even asks anymore. It's just expected that I will take part. If I didn't go or take part it would really hurt my friends' feelings. They don't know how I feel b/c I haven't told them how hard it is for me. They know I'm having trouble getting pregnant, but they have no idea how it makes me fee.

[lphilli]

I feel the exact same way that everyone else does and I am so glad to hear that others are feeling this way. I actually have a baby shower coming up for my cousin in april and I do not want to go. Not only is she pregnant, but my other cousin who will be there is pregnant and a friend of our that will be there is also pregnant. I am not sure how I am going to be able to sit through this shower but my mother feels that I need to go since it is family. What do you all think? I just started going to a support group to try and get some help. This is just so hard to deal with. I do nothing but cry and all I want is to have a child and I feel like it is never going to happen. I just went back to the specialist today for a follow up after having a laproscopy, they are telling us that we either need to do fertility shots or IVF. I am so confused and do not know what to do.

[J9yinyang]

To lphilli:

2 1/2 years ago, my cousin had a baby. She's 8 YEARS younger than me (I was 33 at the time), and since then she's had another baby. At the first baby's shower, I was actually fine until we got to the part where Heather opened up the cute little bootie and jacket set my aunt had crocheted for the baby. Suddenly I couldn't see, because my eyes were welled up with tears. I couldn't breathe from trying to hold back the sobs. My sister (whose youngest child (out of 3) was already almost 8), looked at me, then became annoyed with me because I was "ruining the shower" for her. So I got up and left the room, and hid from everyone on the other side of the property so no one would see me crying and ask me why. I had recently begun smoking again, after quitting 4 years before, because the stress was too much for me. So there I am, hiding on the front porch, smoking and crying, and wanting no one to see me doing either one. (I didn't feel a lecture on the evils of smoking was going to help my mood any.) All I wanted to do was go home. But, of course, I had ridden with my sister, and she was enjoying herself. So I got myself together and slapped on a happy face and went back into the shower. My sister greeted me with "Are you going to behave yourself now?" I would have cheerfully ripped her throat right out.

Anyway, all I can say is that it's gotten easier. It helps that, at 35, I'm not likely to conceive at all now, so I can't spend my life hiding from people having children. The guy in the office next to me has a new baby and the women in the office repeatedly come to coo over her pictures and swap baby talk, which I can plainly hear. And one of my friends/coworkers is also pregnant with her second child, due in May. So I get daily reminders. But at least I don't cry over booties anymore.

And I'd try fertility shots first. They're sometimes covered by insurance, but IVF usually isn't. Depends where you live, though. Michigan doesn't cover IUI or IVF. You could look into other methods, too. I just looked up some really interesting information online yesterday... forget where... about the different forms of artificial insemination. There were 2 other than IUI and IVF. Can't remember what their names are, but they are different ways of getting the sperm and egg together. Different price ranges for each, I imagine.

[hmplate]

I'm there with all you. I have my sister-in-law's baby shower coming up the first week in April. In fact I'm supposed to go to a little get together with my in-law's mother help plan it tomorrow night. I'd rather go anywhere than to go help plan this shower, but my mother says that I can't leave her going there and to the shower by herself. I have been telling myself for weeks that I need to be calm. This is a terrible week for me also because I just got done with another round of progestrone to induce a bleed and it hasn't worked yet. I just talked to my doc and she said if nothing happens by next Monday, she is going to put me on bc pills to cycle me. Has anyone else had to do this? It doesn't make sense to me.

[angels01]

I definitely feel in the same boat. I've suffered 2 miscarriages and my friends can have babies left and right. When I was pregnant the first time, my friends were also pregnant and we were all due withing a week of each other. Needless to say, I was the 1 out of 3 that lost my baby. One of my friends even suggested I adopt because I have so much to give. She doesn't understand. I don't want to adopt until I know for sure I will never have a child of my own.

Now I'm in that boat again. My sister in law in pregnant and a friend of ours is. I'm so tired of people saying that it will happen in its own time. I find that hard to believe when I only have 1 tube and it's blocked. The same friend is asking me about when am I going to get pregnant. I so much want to tell her that's the question I have been asking myself for 5 years. I don't want to tell her I'm going through IVF, because I just don't want to hear her comments. I just wish people would understand that it's not easy to give up on a dream you have had since you can remember.

I wish you all the best of luck, and hope your dreams come true,
Beth

[30somethingmom]

Erin,
Welcome! You came to the right place.

It is hard when well-meaning friends make insensitive comments. It helps to remember that they do actually care and aren't trying to hurt you, they just don't understand.

The important thing is to remember to do whatever you need to do for yourself. You might try telling your friends how you feel or take a break from them for a while. It also helps to talk to others who do understand. This forum is a great source of support and strength, so feel free to vent, ask questions or share your story. We're all in the same boat and here to help each other

[slobin]

On this topic, one of my "best" friends (former at this point) and I started ttc at exactly the same time- for her it was effortless- 5 months and no m/c. Well during her pg and my mounting frustration and sadness (and I told her exactly what I was going through) she did some very selfish things. The one I just cannot let go of is that she had the bad judgment to tell me that she cried and cried when she had an ultrasound and found out she was having a boy! Can you imagine telling me that? I had been ttc for 11 months and was beside myself with grief and she thought it was approroiate to tell me that! Some time later after her baby was born and I had my first m/c and she had said and done numerous other insensitive things, I wrote her a long letter telling her how much these things had hurt me and she sent me back a short email basically saying "I'm sorry that you feel this way" but never offered a sincere apology for her blatent insensitivity. We are basically estranged now, but I cannot forgive her especially not without a sincere apology. Am I wrong for not being able to forgive her?

[Broomryder]

Erin, I also joined this forum today also and I know how you feel. My husband and I are trying to conceive (2 miscarriages). I am 35 and he is 43 and has a 22 year old son whose girlfriend is 4 months pregnant and it feels like a kick in the teeth everyday. I am afraid that the hardest days are yet to come. The only thing that I know is you can never give up on your dreams.

[jenn10299]

I totally understand. We just had our 4th IUI and I am waiting to find out if I am PG. We have suffered 3 MC over the last 2.5 years. I absolutely hate all of the crazy things that people say to you....just don't focus on it...go on a vacation...quit stressing....lose 10 pounds. Or better yet, how about the terrible stories that they tell you to try and make you "feel better" - like "my neighbor tried for 11 years" or my cousin had 7 miscarriages" - how is that supposed to make us more hopeful!

I will say this...don't do or say any more that you want. Don't share your struggles with people who you know won't understand. If it is too painful to go to visit a new baby or go to a baby shower, then don't go. You have every right to be sad, angry and frustrated and have to make sure that you are taking care of yourself!