Hello everyone

After three years of trying everything from surgery for endo, septated uterus, IVF DE (several attempts) my husband and I are trying to adopt from Russia.

We had our first homestudy last night. I hate to say this, but I prefer sticking 1.5 inch needles into my butt to going through this. I STINK at interviews. Always have, always will. Thats why I dont have a great job
Im just no good at SELLING myself.

I had an abcess tooth the day of our homestudy. So I was in a lot of pain and nauseated from pain medication and the study lasted three hours. I tried not to show how uncomfortable I was but I dont think I did a good job. Not only was there the pain, but also the nervousness of "my God, our future is in this person's decision"

Anyway to make a long story short after the social worker left my husband and I were left with the distinct impression that he didnt care for us very much.

Im scared. I dont know if we still have a chance or not. Im supposed to write an autobiography but Im afraid I will mess that up too. Is there anybody that can help with that, like a resume service for adoption or something?

I just dont want to fail because we are out of options then we dont have enough money for gestational carrier and Im just afraid of more medical failures.

Sorry to introduce myself with such a negative story but I would appreciate any help. I wish all of you successful and speedy adoptions.

clydster....

You are not alone. I spent 7 years on the infertility rollercoaster ride. Our first visit with the social worker for our home study was very nerve racking!!! I put out a big plate of fruit, cheese, and crackers. Guess who ate the whole plate? I was so nervous, even my husband commented after she left. I later called the social worker, she told me "don't waste a minute worrying, we know you are very nervous and we take that into account. They are there to help place children not find reasons not to.

It all worked out. Good luck on your journey. Keep your chin up. Either path is not easy but at least with adoption, you will be holding a baby after all the pain you are and will go through.

When they placed my little girl in my arms, all the agony of the last 7 years just melted away. I've heard this from many woman, it is true. Hang in there....

Dear Clyde,
Welcome to the waiting world. Your homestudy experience was typical of many. I'm on my third adoption and they get easier. Our first homestudy resulted in a phylisophical discussion about religion and transracial adoptions. Both of which my husband and the social worker had strong but opposite opinions. It was not a pretty sight. Also we both smoked at the time and didn't want to smoke in front of him.......it was very stressful and personally intrusive. But we did survive, and did adopt a racially mixed baby girl, then a special needs baby boy.....they are are now 3 and 4 years old and worth every stressful moment we had to endure. We are now in the visitation stage of adopting a 9 year old girl. We hope to have her full time by the summer. This time we only had to update our last H.S. and it was done by a lovely woman who just sat in awe watching the way my husband interacted with our children. As far as your letter goes you write well, are open and honest and have a sense of humor. Just be yourself....that baby will be tearing up your house before you know it.

Sincerely,
Saj

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at your comment about rather putting the needles in your butt instead of going through this process, because two years ago I said the EXACT SAME THING! My husband and I went through 9 rounds of treatments, including 4 IVF/ICSI's and then decided on Russia.

Though it seems like hell going through the paperwork process, and having to lay your life out to a complete stranger in hopes that they 'approve' you as a parent, the reward is amazing. You have to remember that the social worker is there to HELP YOU get a child, they are not there to judge you. They know that this process is extremely stressful and nervewracking, especially for those of us adopting for the first time after dealing with infertility.

We went to Russia to bring home our son 7 months after our last IVF/ICSI failure. Looking back, it really wasn't as bad as it felt while we were going through it.

Just take it one step at a time, you will make it! And if you have any questions on the Russia process, just PM me and let me know!

I was so nervous during our first home study visit that I actually burst into tears!! I can usually represent myself very well. However, I had never felt so much pressure "selling myself" for anything in my life!! At the end of the first meeting, my husband asked point blank what our chances were of getting approved. The social worker said that we were going to be approved -- that most of the screening was done on the application. I realized then that she WANTED to approve us. She wasn't looking for a nit-picky reason to weed me out. She was just making sure that we meet the minimum standards to take care of a baby (large enough home, working fire alarms, etc.). The home study is also so she can get a feel for your personalities so she can do a better job in representing you to potential Bmoms, AND it is a way for her to help you think through parenting issues that will arise in the future.

So, in a word -- RELAX. You aren't going to "get the axe" just because you were nervous. In fact, why don't you mention at the beginning of the next meeting that you were really nervous last time? And, if you are nervous again, fess up before you even get started. They aren't going to prevent you from becoming a mom just because you get nervous during an interview. The home study will be over with before you know it.

Good luck with your adoption!!

- Faith

If you think this is bad then your in for a tough time "waiting". Once its all over and you just wait for months on end for the phone call that will change your life is for me the hardest part!

But we too were nervous about our social worker. He was brand new to our area and said a couple of things about our young age and less than wealthy circumstances that made us think he didn't think we'd even be chosen if they DID approve us.

Our homestudy went okay and I too asked if he thought we'd be approved. his reply: "We wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of the paperwork and interviews if we DIDN'T think you'd be approved!" That really helped me relax. It wasn't like they were gonna do all this work and think we'd be a horrible family and then see a big gorgeious home or something and decide we'd be okay! They really DO want to approve you by the time they get to the homestudy, and they won't waste there time on a family thats obviously not going to be approved.

After all that I sent him a Thank you card thanking him for working hard to represent us and we are glad we have a great worker on our team. Subsequent phone calls between us have been very polite and relaxed. Just a tip.

Good luck to you!

We will be going through the dreaded home study this year also. I am terrified! My biggest concern is how much of this is based on relationships with parents, and my childhood. I don't have a relationship with my mother, and I am very concerned that this will hurt our chances of getting the daughter we have always dreamed of.

Having a great childhood is NOT a prerequisite to be an Aparent, nor should it be. I, too, had a lousy childhood. If anything, it has made me a better parent because I know what NOT to do. I shower my son w/the love and affection that I never received growing up.

I don't remember them asking me if I had a current relationship w/my parents or not. In some cases, NOT have a current relationship is actually a plus. For example, if your father sexually abused you, they obviously would NOT want a child molester being a part of the baby's life.

All the social worker is looking for is to make sure that you and your husband are ready to be parents. That means that you want the baby, you have thought through how you will financially afford the baby, your marriage is stable, and you have at least started thinking about parenting issues like discipline. You aren't going to "get the axe" because you had a tough childhood.

I think I remember the social worker asking me about my childhood. I was honest about it being a painful time, but I also showed her how much I had grown despite a rough start. If anything, I think it is to my credit that I am the person I am despite not getting off to a rosy start.

Good luck w/your adoption!!

- Faith

Clydster,

Hope you have taken all this very good advice to heart. I've been there!!! literally sweating thru the home visit and so worried about anything negative coming up. All the previous posters here are absolutely correct - none of the 'little stuff' matters.

I also don't think you need to call on a 'resume writer' to help. You are obviously a very capable writer. Honesty is the key. You never know what might appeal to a potential birthmother - lots of cousins; living on a farm; having a cherished pet;

I do understand what you're going thru, just wanted to say, you're definitely worrying too much. A potential birthmother will key on something in your profile - and the match will happen based on that -

I also agree that you should let the sw know you are nervous (it may have been obvious anyway!) but hopefully if he/she is any good at their job, they'll be able to put you at ease.

I didn't have a 'bad' childhood, but at the time of homestudy wasn't on speaking terms with my dad, long story, anyway having to admit that concerned me, but it wasn't a big deal and never got brought up again.

I remember mostly being concerned about the behaviour of our 2 very loved but very large dogs - thankfully they were exceptionally good that day! - but I hoped the sw wouldn't be set against us having a baby in a home with 2 large dogs - she had no concerns and as it turns out, one of the reasons we were chosen by bm was because she wanted the child raised with a love of animals. You just never know what will make the perfect match happen!

Write the letter yourself, from your heart, be honest. It'll happen.

All the best,

Babs

Our social worker said this "Believe me, I have heard it all and nothing you have told me is all that bad" I was worried about a few things about my family background as well. But in the end, they are looking to see if YOU would make a good parent, not your family members or your parents. So the best thing you can do is relax and be honest. Although I hated the experience of being on trial, the rewards are well worth it.

Hello! I understand where you are coming from. I used to have a hard time selling myself, too. My counsel would be to Hang in there! Hopefully, the Social Worker realized the situation. We all have bad days! Although my husband and I didn't have to write a biography, per se, we did have to give detailed information about ourselves including how we grew up, how close we were to our parents, what our 'environment' was like, etc. Be honest. Share the joyous childhood memories. In terms of discpipline and whatnot, if you believe it was firm, but fair, put that. Let your heart guide you. I had to write a birthmother letter as part of my profile (although we adopted domestically) and I found it was easier than putting the information about myself because it came from the heart. Being able to become parents through adoption gave me hope that my month over month of failed fertility treatments did not. Hang in there, my friend! Your dream CAN come true!

Clydster,
Im truly sorry that your interview went poorly, but please do not refer to birthmothers as "Gestational Carriers" I thought I'd heard every insulting description ever put out there by A-parents to describe Birthmothers (Incubator until now topped the list) but this one takes the prize. Ugh!!!!

BethF37,

Clydester was not "slamming" on birthmothers. She was referring to a form of surrogacy called "gestational carriers." I have attached an article about gestational carriers below.

- Faith


From:

http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/pre...lems/4099.html

What is a gestational carrier?
Whether you set it up through an agency or as an independent adoption, or negotiate it privately, using a gestational carrier is an emotionally intense and legally complex arrangement that involves having another woman carry and deliver your baby for you. It's officially recognized in only a handful of states and is still illegal in others. The process can require vast amounts of time, money, and patience to succeed.



Is surrogacy for you?
Using a gestational carrier may be the best choice for you if you're unable to conceive because your uterus is irregular or missing or if various other fertility treatments have failed.

Treatment: What to expect
Typically, you and your partner will undergo an assisted reproductive technology (ART) procedure such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) to produce an embryo that's biologically yours. (If this isn't possible because of the nature of your fertility problem, you can also use donated eggs, sperm, or embryos.) Your embryo will then be placed in the uterus of a gestational carrier who'll carry the baby to term. When the child is born, the carrier will turn the baby over to you and sign away her parental rights.
Gestational carrier arrangements are usually set up either as independent adoptions (in states where they're legal) or more commonly by contracts arranged through agencies. Some physicians specialize in gestational carriers and can help you make an arrangement. Most likely, you'll be heavily involved in the pregnancy. You'll also probably pay the carrier's expenses, from doctor visits to housing, along with additional legal, agency, and service fees if a contract is involved. If you live in the United States, you can get information about your state's gestational carrier laws here.

Length of treatment
Finding a healthy, willing gestational carrier can take months or even years, whether you screen candidates through an agency, canvass friends and relatives, or search for someone through the Internet (all ways in which couples have found carriers in the past). Once you've made an arrangement, you and your carrier will probably try in vitro fertilization for three or four months. Some experts say it's not a good idea to try longer because success rates drop off after that.

Success rate
It's impossible to assign a numerical success rate to using a gestational carrier — too many factors are involved. If you find a willing carrier and she gets pregnant and carries the baby to term (which depends on variables including sperm count, egg quality, and the success of complicated procedures such as IVF), you will have achieved what many couples don't. The Organization of Parents Through Surrogacy estimates that in the United States, carriers have been responsible for the births of nearly 10,000 babies since 1976; the number is hard to pin down since some people make carrier arrangements privately, especially in states where the procedure is illegal.

Pluses
If you and your partner are unable to conceive on your own, a gestational carrier offers you a chance to parent your own biological child by having your carrier carry an embryo created from your egg and your partner's sperm. If you set up an open arrangement, you can be intimately involved in the details of your baby's gestation and have a say in your carrier's nutrition and healthcare during the pregnancy.

Minuses
In addition to the possible complications accompanying procedures such as IVF, using a gestational carrier is expensive, highly controversial, and legally complex, often involving intricate contracts and arrangements. In several states, using a gestational carrier is illegal, forcing couples to make agreements under the table.

You'll not only experience the usual suspense and anxiety of waiting for a pregnancy to safely reach full-term, you'll also have to worry about legal snags and the possibility that your carrier will change her mind. You might have difficulty agreeing with her on things such as genetic testing and how to manage the pregnancy, labor, and delivery. And, when it comes time, your carrier might have a hard time letting the baby go.

Cost
The cost of using a gestational carrier varies widely. An independent adoption can cost at least $15,000, with about $12,000 going to the carrier and the rest for legal fees (set by lawyers and agencies). If you arrange a contract through an agency it can cost well over $35,000, with $10,000 to $12,000 going to the carrier, $15,000 or more to legal expenses, and $10,000-plus to agency fees. (Neither total includes additional fees for the carrier's prenatal care and delivery if they aren't covered by her insurance.)

Thank you everyone for all your support. Its nice to know that others have felt the same way and survived this process.
I havent been around, Ive just been so discouraged by this process I have wanted to just give up.
Fortunately, my husband did not. Im happy to say that we have passed the homestudy. Now we still have at least three other agencies to approve us.