Originally Posted By Paulina

We have been through almost 2 years of infertility work up and trying to do procedures w/o success; 3 years of unsuccessful "trying" to get pregnant. We have now decided to proceed with adoption. I had figured our road to parenthood was going to become easy. Boy, was I wrong. They ask you everything from A to Z. I was just curious if "real parents" go through this. Did my sister, who has three kids, get questioned if she was financially stable? Did they ask what assets compared to liabilities she had? Did she take parenting 101? No. I understand the reasoning for whomever to get to know us better, but do they stop to think that we are grieving? It sure does not feel like they even think about that. I feel like we have not made it past the ordeal with infertility. Our own pastor did not even bother to touch that subject with us. Did anyone else experience this?

Originally Posted By chazachmom

First of all, I can relate with all that you have been through. DH and I were married 11 years and from the start never practiced birth control. After 7 years of travelling and having lots of fun we decided to see a specialist and then went through 3 years on an emotional rollercoaster ending in a failed IVF. We now have 2 beautiful boys adopted from Korea. My DH and I always say that if all parents had to go through what we went through, there would be much better parents out there. It will make you stronger, get in touch with your feelings and appreciate your children every day. You will not be the type of parent to take your children for granted.

I highly recommend that you try and find a local chapter of Resolve, they are a wonderful support group and as far as people not wanting to "touch" on the subject... you bring it up. This will be hard at first, but a lot of people don't really want to bring up any sad feelings and want only to focus on the positive (your adoption)! Things will get better for you as you proceed with your adoption. Focus on being a parent and not being pregnant. It will happen, maybe not the way you expected, but it will be more wonderful than you can ever imagine!

Wendy

Originally Posted By Sally

Adoptive parents are real parents!!!!-not cartoons!!!! If you are feeling alone and are still dealing with your grief from infertility Resolve is a national support group that might help. Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family but give yourself time to grieve your loss before starting this new adventure. Adoption is not a cure for infertility and you need to deal with one before committing yourself to the other. Good Luck!!!!

Originally Posted By Paulina

I have read and heard this a lot of times, that you should resolve your infertility issues before moving to adoption. Personally, I do not feel it will ever completely be resolved. I know eventually the pain will be less sharp but I never will be glad that Skip and I cannot have our own children. Thanks for the support, some days a person really needs it....

Originally Posted By Sally

I know you will never be happy about your infertility but hopefully some day you will be able to make peace with it. FOR me it was just realizing I wanted a family with lots of kids that made me see that being pregnant isn't the goal having kids is the goal. I think God sends you the kids you are meant to have and if you open your heart to it and ask God for peace about this issue He will give it to you . Also I found adoption empowering after infertility for me because
I felt like I was actually moving in the right direction to build a family.I really hope this helps and I believe the children you are meant to have will come to you.

Originally Posted By bm Jamie

Paulina in this adoption world, if you adopt, that makes you the "REAL" parents.I have given a couple of speaches for my agency to prospective Aparents.They too feel like noone realizes their grief.I as a birthmother can relate also.Noone realizes my level of grief.Not even my own mother.

Originally Posted By think about this

"REAL PARENTS" don't have to go "through it". They are just natural parents.
Infants that gets "chosen" by the adoption racket,never knows "what strangers will be like" ,even under the most meticulous scrutinity of "paper work". They are just STUCK with the adopters. And they CANNOT up and walk away. Does anyone ever THINK about THAT?

Originally Posted By amber (indian)

Hello,
Ihave been going through your letter and it has struck a chord with me. I too am facing the problem of infertility and have been through the entire process of fertility treatments. It has taken five years of my life and I am sure you understand the trauma one goes through on the particular day of the month. You are right. I have finally made peace with myself and I donot think now that pregnancy is the end of having a family. I pray to God to see me through in mydecision to adopt. I feel I have won the battle already. The decision was tough but I am at peace now. I felt compelled to reply to you as I felt that your ideas were very much like mine.

Originally Posted By amber (indian)

Hello,
Ihave been going through your letter and it has struck a chord with me. I too am facing the problem of infertility and have been through the entire process of fertility treatments. It has taken five years of my life and I am sure you understand the trauma one goes through on the particular day of the month. You are right. I have finally made peace with myself and I donot think now that pregnancy is the end of having a family. I pray to God to see me through in mydecision to adopt. I feel I have won the battle already. The decision was tough but I am at peace now. I felt compelled to reply to you as I felt that your ideas were very much like mine.

Originally Posted By Marie

Sorry, but I can't help but find your comments those of an "idiotic" nature. I think that kids who are, as you put it "naturally" brought into the world to ignorant, uneducated, unscrutinized, impoverished, abusive, neglective, young, dumb, unemployed, crack-addicted, people who are non-discriminating about who they sleep with or how many children they have or how many different people they have them with, are pretty much just STUCK with who they get for parents too. Way too many people who will never have to prove themselves, never have to get an education about child development or take parenting classes, or have to prove financial, emotional, physical, psychological, or residence status/stability, and who will never so much as have to say a prayer or write a biography or even a single page expressing their desire to have children, and will never have to prove employability and will never have to turn in references, will never be interviewed, checked up on via law enforcement agencies to see if they have a criminal background, checked for STD's, HIV, TB, etc., and will never have to fill out endless mounds of paperwork or spend any money to get pregnant are just continuing to have kids like they don't know what's causing it while the rest of us must suffer for our cause. God help us all, and most of all, God help those kids who will be unfortunate enough to get "stuck" with any parent who isn't fit &/or doesn't deserve them!! And God help your insensitive self to be a little more open-minded, kind, and understanding. Obviously, you have some real issues with A moms. Probably are someone who was forced to adopt out a child when young and are just venting. If so, I feel for you and wish you peace. what ti

I agree with a lot of what you said, Marie. It is hard not to see the unfairness from a hopeful adoptive parent's point of view -- we want children desperately. We are willing to go through all the paperwork and prove ourselves repeatedly to social workers, attorneys, agencies and even birthparents that YES, we are good, decent people who simply want a child to love and raise.

It is very hard not to be angry that there are so many people out there who are able to just have sex and become parents without any planning, any reading up on child psychology and child development, any criminal background checks, any anything.

I wish I had answers, but I don't. I am just like so many other hopeful a-parents -- waiting for a birthmom to choose DH and me as parents for her baby.