[ByChanceBaby]

I'm 36 and my dh is 38. We both have "issues" in ttc. I have one ovary which doesn't really factor, by my dh has several strikes against him. Low count, poor shape, and movement, etc. For three years we have been ttc, and we've been back and forth if we want to jump into IVF/ICSI (the only thing that will work for us, according to our RE), or do we forego the whole IVF process and jump to adoption. Financially, we only have enought money to do one or the other right now. After spending that money, we'll need to save again for another 2 years to get those funds available. We have been leaning toward adoption because we know the result will be a BABY. Has anyone jumped right to adoption -- without going through the trials of IVF? How did you come to that decision? Please... share your story!

Thank you!

[ByChanceBaby]

Also -- I might add -- if you jumped to adoption, how hard was it for you to overcome the fears of regret for "not having tried IVF".

That's our big dilemma. Will we regret it? I don't have an overwhelming desire to be pregnant, so that's not the big issue for me. The main thing, is the biological aspect of having our own child. Having our physical features. Is that really important?

In the end, we just want a healthy baby... right????

[mgmsrk]

My husband and I decided to adopt before we ever tried to have our own kids, if you read through the adoption threads the longer story is there. We have always felt that we would adopt if we were going to have children, with the intent to adopt older children or a sibling group. Ironically some things got in the way during the process and we started to try to have our own and now we may not be able to do that. We are now afraid that if we first pursue adopting an older child we will be prevented from adopting a baby if we decide to go that route.

[ByChanceBaby]

Thank you. I'll try to find your other threads. Question -- is there a reason you don't want to try to adopt an infant?

[mgmsrk]

It’s not that we don’t want to adopt an infant but we feel that people should adopt because they want to give children a good home not as a means of personal fulfillment. I feel like many people believe they are entitled to have a baby and will disregard the hundreds of thousands of children who are waiting to be adopted in the US and Canada, because they are not infants or white. Our goal was to give children who need it a permanent home, that is why we started the process before trying to conceive, we thought we would have our own child or children later. Now that we may not be able to we would like to adopt a sibling group and possibly a baby after. We don’t know if that will be possible because of where we live now.


I don’t mean to sound like I think I am superior to every one else or that I think all people search out adoption for selfish reasons. I don’t believe that and I do believe that most children placed for adoption end up in good homes with people who care for them.

[ByChanceBaby]

I see. I completely understand! I think for us, we want to have that "bonding" experience with an infant, but our hearts ache for all of the children in need of homes, and we may just decide to add to our family through a "fost/adopt" situation, sometime in the future (once we get our parenting sea-legs so to speak).

[sarah16]

We have secondary infertility so our situation is a little different. We decided early on in our IF journey that we weren't going to try IVF. After IUIs didn't work adoption just seemed like a natural choice. I am lucky in that I've been pregnant so I don't feel like I"m going to miss that. I also have requested domestic infant adoption because of birth order. I didn't want a child coming into the house who was older than my daughter. Again, just a personal choice. We also didn't do international adoption because of all the traveling we would have to do without our DD. So here we wait for someone to pick us. I felt very excited to start adoption as IF takes a huge toll on your body and hormones. PM with any questions if you would like.

[ByChanceBaby]

Thank you Sarah!
We actually began looking into adoption 1-1/2 years ago when we found out IVF/ICSI would be our only real chance at conceiving. So, we've done the research, attended a seminar and conference and we've narrowed it down to domestic adoption and to an agency that we will move foreward with (we also seriously considered going through an attorney that we found and like here in So. CA.. too, but I think it would be more expensive).
In the end, it's just making the final committment to JUMP! That's the hold up. But... mentally... I'm just...about.... there.

[Bri01]

I adopted first then went through the IVF. At the time the conclusion to adopt came because I wanted to be a mom more than the need for a biological child. I went through IVF last year and now have a 7 month old and I feel no different for either one. I love them the same.

[ByChanceBaby]

Bri... Was there regret from not trying that led you back to IVF after adopting? If I was younger --- I would probably have little reservations about jumping right to adoption -- but because I'm older, and we have limited financial resources, I'm leaning toward adoption --- end result = baby.

[Claire75]

My best friend has decided to go the adoption route without trying IVF first, which initially surprised me. It's a combination of high cost with no guarantee of success that brought them to that conculsion.

They also felt that they didn't want to go through all the intrusive tests but I suppose they'll have that to deal with for adoption - just different types of tests.

I'm glad for them though as they've obvioulsy made a decision that's right for them and I can tell they're more relaxed about the whole thing now.

There's an interesting survey about infertility where you can see the results after participating at OpinionDB.

[ByChanceBaby]

Thank you, Claire. Did your friend adopt yet? How are they feeling with their decision? Has there been any second thoughts?

[rebecca0130]

ByChance -
We don't totally qualify with your question, but thought I would add our experience as well. We did one IVF in 2005 because our insurance covered 3 attempts (if you can believe that), we knew IVF was a slim chance given my husband's situation, but it was worth a shot. We immediately moved to adoption because in the end we wanted a family, that was all that mattered to us. We also wanted a baby, no matter what race/color, but I truly wanted a baby. My thought was that if I have to compromise being pregnant for adoption, I at least want to experience parenting right from the beginning.
We could not love our son more, he is absolutely the joy and light of our lives. When our 2nd son arrives in December via my uterus , I feel certain there will be the same feelings and love and attachment I felt for our first the very moment I see him.
Adoption is a magical and heart opening experience - you will be overwhelmed. Blessings to you and DH.

[casb77]

My cousin and her husband adopting without trying IVF. They tried for years and went through numerous unsuccessful IUI's. They decided on adoption rather than IVF because they just wanted to be parents. They went with infant domestic adoption and it took about a year for them to have a baby in their arms.

We were in the same boat as you in terms of being able to afford IVF or adoption, but not both. We were lucky enough to find a clinic that offered a Shared Risk program and qualify for it. If we don't have a live birth we'll get 2/3 of our money back. We'll still have spent a lot of money, but will at least get some ($12,000) back so we can put it toward adoption.