[Hannah81]

Hi,

I am new to this site, and I am so glad that I found it. This month marks 2 years that my husband and I have been TTC unsuccessfully. I have not been able to get pregnant during the past 2 years. After many appointments and 3 rounds of Clomid we decided to take a break and start the paperwork for adoption. The fertility treatments were just too much for me, as I am teacher and the closets RE is 45 minutes away. Also, we became really excited about adopting, and now have all of our papwerwork submitted. We are currently just "waiting" for the referral of our baby....But we've been told that the wait will be around 1 1/2 to 2 years (starting now). I am feeling very sad today, as I reflect on the past two years....I recently spent time with some friends and their new babies, and it was so hard to see them. I just kept thinking, "I'll never experience what it feels like to look at ymy child and see myself or my husband...And know what it feels like to be pregnant or to breastfeed."

I am wondering for all of you who are in the process of adopting or who have already adopted after infertility, does the pain of infertility ever go away? Will I ever be able to be around newborns or pregnant women and NOT feel this sadness? I am worried now that maybe my husband and I should have tried more fertility treatments. Each month that I get my period I feel both relieved and sad...Because if I do get pregnant we can no longer proceed with the adoption in the country that we are so excited about, but at the same time I have wanted to be pregnant and to have a baby for so long that of course I would love to get pregnant still. This is just such a tough time for me....I can't stand this "waiting" and not doing anything! After months of fertility treatments and adoption papwerwork...It seems strange and wrong to be sitting here not doing anything! Sorry to write so much...I just needed to get that out! Thanks for any advice or personal experiences you can provide me!

[sarah16]

I think everyone has an individual answer to this question. I know that sometimes a person getting pregnant makes me very jealous and other times it doesn't bother me at all. We have just finished our first year of waiting for adoption. Good luck with your journey!

[mlb]

I agree with the other poster. Sometimes other people's pregnancies bother me, other times it doesn't. Between ttc and adopting I did not go to baby shpwers, now I do, but some have been tough. The grief surfaces occasionally, but it became far less after we adopted Zack (and then Alex). Unfortunately only time will help, as well as having that one person (besides your spouse or family member) that you can vent to. More than once that has talked me off of the ledge.
Hang in there., we know exactly how you feel.

[humbird97]

Hey, ladies -

I'm with you - after almost 3 years of TTC and many treatments and alot of pain later (see my signature), we are JUST beginning to fill out adoption paperwork. I am SO angry. We have spent so much money, and now we don't have enough for adoption. But since the wait is so long, I'm sure we'll have enough time to save for it!

Sorry to vent, but my feelings are very raw. I feel like I am nothing. I know this is a lie, but I'm healthy, in the medical profession, I've survived abuse as a child but I still can't have a baby. I wish we could try again with donor sperm, but DH is against that. I know I'll find peace with this eventually, but I've waited so long already. Now at 35, I'm like enough! Why does God have to hate me so? (I know He doesn't but He's almost killing me here).

It feels like the pain will never end. And I wonder, every time I look into the face of my child, and see how different it looks from mine, will I hurt? Will it remind me of my infertility every time? Or will that be overcome by happy memories?

I would LOVE some happy memories.

Rebecca

[arucker]

I'm so sorry your feeling blue. We haven't adopted yet, but we will be doing the homestudy this fall/winter. But I can tell you that after 7 years of IF the sadness gets a little better. It hasn't gone away, but it's better. There is a point in time where you have to let it go to make yourself heal and feel whole again. IF puts a tole on your spirit, mind and body. I was just thinking the other day about my 3 year old nephew. He was born when I think I was in a deep depression about our IF and ever since he was born I have not been close to him. I don't know if it is out of sadness or putting my guard up, I'm not sure, but I feel horrible about it, but my feelings have not changed yet. It's not his fault nor my sister-in-laws fault for having him at the worst time in my life. It's my problem that I need to get over or look past it. I feel the same way about looking at a child and not seeing my DH or I. But I know I will love that child uncontionally. Please keep your chin up and try to keep as positive as you can. I wish you all of the luck.

[KelB]

I have been dealing with very similar emotions! We are also just starting the adoption process. We picked an agency, have filled out some of the paper work, am putting together the profile and letter to birthmom, yet I can't bring myself to call the social worker to set up homestudy! I don't know what my problem is. We are not giving up on IF treatments. We are going to pursue treatments and adopt. We figure if we have had this much trouble ttc #1, it may take a very long time to complete our family or we may never be able to conceive and then we may have depleated all savings and won't have anything left to adopt. I am pretty much the last of my friends to have a baby and I am pretty much the oldest too (while I know I am not old, we really hoped to have started our family by now). It does hurt seeing everyone else enjoy motherhood! And even worse are the comments like, "Are you ready to have kids now!" when all the babies are crying! We have been pretty private about our struggle and most days I am content with that. But other days I just want to scream it from the roof tops... but I can't handle the pity either! Anyway, thanks to the ladies for putting your thoughts and advice out there. I worry about whether I will ever get past this pain too, but I know I will love an adopted child just as much as I would a bio child.

[mlb]

I don't think the pain ever goes away, it just something we have to deal with and over time can compartmentalize it better. However, when I began bonding with my sons, I saw the pain as part of the journey to them. Without it, we would not have adopted, and my sons would not be my sons. Do I wish they looked like me? A little bit, but if that means that Zack and Alex woulld not be the loveable ruffians that they are now, it woudn't be worth it.
However, the comments suck. Be forewarned, they don't stop after the adoption either. People can be idiots.

[KelB]

I never can figure out what is wrong with people... do they seriously not think before they speak? Or, are they intentionally trying to hurt me or just elevate themselves in some way? Am I less of a person b/c I don't have children or b/c I can't have bio children? Sorry to rant! It is truly a pet peeve of mine. I have decided that when I get through with this chapter in my life I am going to write a book for stupid people... not that they will read it. So, thanks for the advice. Good to know I will need to prepare myself for the continuous comments.

[KelB]

By the way, you have a beautiful family!

Originally Posted by mlb

I don't think the pain ever goes away, it just something we have to deal with and over time can compartmentalize it better. However, when I began bonding with my sons, I saw the pain as part of the journey to them. Without it, we would not have adopted, and my sons would not be my sons. Do I wish they looked like me? A little bit, but if that means that Zack and Alex woulld not be the loveable ruffians that they are now, it woudn't be worth it.
However, the comments suck. Be forewarned, they don't stop after the adoption either. People can be idiots.

[mlb]

Thank you KelB for the nice comment, I think they are rather adorable myself
While you are writing the book, write one specifically for family members. Our extended family thinks that they can just say anything because they are family. I can't tell you the number of times we have corrected them.
BTW While I'm sure the hurdle to call about the homestudy is a mental hurdle, it really can be a great experience. He or she is a great resource, especially about bonding, dealing with family, etc. I belong to a local adoption group and we have some great social workers that lead monthly discussion groups. Do you have a local adoption group? Ours is such a great resource, and we have made some great friends. A lot of prospective parents come while in the waiting process and it helps. Have a good day ladies!

[KelB]

It is funny you mention family... through the whole IF process they have been the ones that have hurt us the most. Not intentionally, but deeply. I try to imagine being a parent and watching my children grow up. I have to imagine that for so many years I will do what ever I can to protect them and when the time comes for me to step back that will be very difficult. I think that is what we are dealing with in regards to family. They think they know what is best for us, but b/c they have never walked a day in our shoes they truly have no idea what goes through our heads. Point being, I try to understand that they just want what is best for us and they think they know, but they don't. Needless to say, there will be a whole section for families!!

I am sure there are adoption groups around here I could reach out to. We have been very fortunate to this point and have multiple friends around us that have recently adopted. They have been tremendous help and have given wonderful advice thus far. I will also look into local adoption groups though. Thanks!

[mlb]

I totally agree, family doesn't mean to hurt us, but they feel like they know what we are feeling just because they are family. My mother is a prime example of that, to the point that I had to tell her no, you can empathize, but you were fertile. Therefore, you do not know how I feel. UUGGHHH!

[Hannah81]

Thanks for everyone's responses to my original post. I already feel less alone knowing that there are other women out there who are going through the same emotions.

It's hard to believe that this pain will ever go away...And I worry about how that will affect my relationships with certain family members and friends who are insensitive about their comments.

It's nice to know that I can get support online, if nowhere else! Thanks again....I am glad to have found this forum.

[Wannafamily]

I wanted to chime in here with my thoughts and feelings on this. No, I don't think the pain ever goes completely away, but I do know that it has lessened a great deal for me since we adopted our daughter. We had a surprisingly uneventful adoption process and the whole thing (from first meeting with the agency to bringing home our baby) was only 4 months. I know that is unusual, but it happens a lot with the agency we worked with.

I was at a baby shower for a close friend a couple of weeks ago and she spoke of how much she loves being pregnant and I felt a little badly because I never experienced that. I tried to remind myself of the not so great parts of being pregnant and when I got home, I squeezed my baby extra tight and felt better.

People (including family) are NEVER going to understand unless they have experienced the same thing. MLB made a very good point about her mom being fertile and that excludes her from really understanding. I don't think people mean to be so harsh (and I think we are all a little more sensitive than fertile people) and just really have no idea what it means to struggle to have a family. I try to give them a little slack, but do find myself getting completely annoyed at times. Sometimes I correct their naive thinking and sometimes I just walk away and figure it is not worth trying to explain. It depends on my mood.

I also agree that finding a support system is key. I also belong to an adoptive family group that our agency started. There are 8 of use who all adopted within a 2 month time frame and we get together regularly and it is so great. The babies enjoy it and the parents enjoy it.

I wish all of you the best of luck in achieving your goals. I will admit that when we first decided to adopt that I dragged my feet in interviewing agencies. It seemed so daunting to me, and part of me knew that I was giving up on having a bio child. My DH was very on board and helped me get over the personal struggles and I am so thankful to him for being so supportive. If it wasn't for him, I would not be a mom right now. Take your time and you will know when the right moment is. You will all become Mom's and I promise that when you hold that baby in your arms for the very first time, you will forget that you did not give birth to him or her. I was very afraid I wouldn't be able to bond, but I can't tell you how wrong I was!!!

to all of you!!

[Kari]

I, too, had this question prior to our adoption process. I agree with the others, sometimes it does still hurt to see others pregnant or being involved in a conversation that revolves around pregnancy, labor, or breastfeeding.....but now that I'm a mom, it hurts less. I have to remind myself that I missed out on his first 9 months, but I get the rest of his life with him! I would have loved to carry him in my belly, but then he wouldn't be him.

When I look at our son and see his features that he did not get from his dad or me, it reminds me of how much of a miracle it is that he's our son. What if we pursued the adoption a year later, or his firstmom stayed with the first agency she worked with and didn't move to our city and switch to our agency, or picked one of the other 60 couples that were in the book.......so many things were aligned because he was destined to be our son!

As awful as our infertilty struggles were....and still are (would love to give Jax a sibling some day) I can say that it has made me a better mom. When he's having a fussy night and I'm starting to lose my cool I am reminded what I've gone through to be able to have even the not so happy parenting moments. I think I value more of the moments with him and don't want to take anything for granted (probably more so if I never struggled to become a mom). I am a better mom because of it!

Good luck to all of you starting your adoption journey!