[mommasomeday]

Hi Everyone,

I'd love to hear from you about how you cope with lots of pregnant friends?? I just found out yesterday that another good friend of mine is 4 months pregnant and I was really upset when I got the email. I have 3 good friends that are pregnant as well as a girl at my gym and another girl in my pilates class. I am surrounded by pregnant women and I need to figure out a way to cope with this while we start the adoption process and are waiting. It could take a couple years before I have a baby in my arms and I don't know how I'm going to manage everyone else's pregnancies. I still feel angry and upset when I hear new pregnancy news and it still feels unfair that everyone else seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and not me. I know the way I feel is normal I just wish I coped with it better.

Heather

[qweska8402]

If anyone's got the answer I would love to know too. i just found out my DH's friend from work is pregnant. we went to their wedding in may and signed our card to them "Love, L, J, and Baby." we had just seen the heartbeat the day before and less than a week later it was over. I've been upset about this for 2 days and if there's a better way to cope I would love to know. Anyway, just hang in there is all the advice I have. It sucks big time, but you're definately not alone in this.

[alyaly]

Its really hard for me too. I dont know of any good way to cope....I generally just try to maintain my distance and hope and that someday things will be back to normal again....I cant relate to my friends anymore and they cant relate to me. Sorry i wasnt much help.

[mommasomeday]

Thanks everyone for your support. It's so nice to be able to come here and get support and know I'm not alone.

Jeska-I am very sorry for your loss. I had a missed miscarriage as well and it was very hard to cope with. Take time to take care of yourself. Time does heal things and make it better, but I still think of the baby I lost.

[Kari]

I, too, had all of those feelings. I distanced myself from my friends and family during our fertility struggles because it was just too hard to handle.

My only suggestion is to start preparing for your child as other pregnant women do during their wait. I read books on how to care for babies, researched baby supplies (Baby Bargains book), started purchasing a few baby items such as a new children's book each month and gender-neutral sleepers (stored them downstairs in rubbermaids so I wouldn't see them all the time), made lists of what we might need to purchase if we got "the call" at the last minute, etc.

This was one way to make me feel like my day was coming, even though I didn't know when. Whether you are adopting, or giving birth to your child, you have the right to be excited, and enjoy preparing for him/her during this time. It made me feel not quite so different from my pregnant family members and friends.

[Koshveily]

You can distance yourself but that's not really fair to your friends. Remember that life is not fair and what comes easily for some come with trials and tribulations for others. Going through infertility has broken us in so many ways... but would it make us feel any better to know that our friends were suffering the way we are? Be thrilled for your friends that they didn't have to go through infertility treatments and the pain and disappointment that we have to... and think of it this way, if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you want them to be excited for you?

Yes, it hurts to watch other people's dreams coming true while yours don't seem to get past the ceiling. But you can't compare your life to someone else's life. And if it makes you feel better, remember that you are building a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in your arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink you’ve ever known.

While you would never have chosen infertility, you cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits you. Yes, one way or another, you will have a baby of your own.

Never give up. Face every day with a refreshed optimism, and celebrate new life, no matter where it comes from... one of those new lives will be yours before you know it!

[ara79]

I would like to repeat exactly what Koshveily said.

I know it's so hard. And to be honest, the pain never really goes away 100%. Even though I have my baby girl, it's still a slight sting when I hear how easy it is for others. At the same time, you cannot put too much distance between your pregnant/mommy friends. One day you WILL be a mother and you will want and need their support and for them to celebrate with you.

I will also add that I agree that no one knows the joy of a woman who struggled to have a baby when they finally have their moment. It is unbelievable. Every mom loves their kids, but there is no way they can experience the joy that is going to be yours one day. I promise you that.

Hang in there. Your day is coming.

[ara79]

You know what, I reread my post and I'd like to add this:

Sometimes you can hear the message that I wrote above over and over, and while you know it's true, it's hard to feel that way. So yes, give yourself a break and know that your feelings are normal. Infertility SUCKS!

[Koshveily]

I second Amy's second post... Infertility sucks and can make us into people we really don't want to be... don't let it get the best of you and celebrate life as if it weren't so hard on you. That's why we have each other to uplift each other and lean on each other when Infertility brings out our little jealous monsters... Don't feel like you don't have every right to feel slighted by the hand you were dealt... just remember that your pregnant friends didn't deal it, okay? Great big and love and !!

[mommasomeday]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for your responses. I am doing better this week. It was just all too much at once. I always need time to digest the information. I know it's not my friends faults they are pregnant. I've read that in all of the books, but when you're having one of those weeks it's hard to see past your own pain. I am trying my best to be happy for my friends that are expecting. I spent most of last year isolating myself and I'm trying really hard not to do that, but I still find myself retreating sometimes. When my husband and I first made the decision to adopt I felt relieved to put infertility treatments behind me and I felt hope again. I guess I just realized after last week that even though I've decided to move to adoption, I still have issues that I need to work through and I just hope one day it won't hurt so much.

Kari-thank you so much for your response. I really want to do everything you suggested. It is great advice and it is my plan actually. I am hesitant to do it now because I haven't picked an agency or started the homestudy process. I have been telling myself I will do all of that after the homestudy is done. Is that what you did? I feel like I am still so far away from having a baby in my arms. I think I am still trying to protest myself and it still doesn't feel quite real that I will actually have a baby one day.

Thanks again,
Heather

[Kari]

Heather,

Yes, once we were "officially waiting" in the book I started slowly purchasing baby items. I needed to keep myself busy during the wait. We also took a child and infant cpr class and bought a subscription to Adoptive Families magazine.

Since you aren't quite that far along in the process yet, another thing to keep in mind is that if you pursue domestic infant adoption, you will probably need to create a "portfolio" (scrapbook of pictures of your family, friends, house, pets, etc.). Take advantage of any great picture opportunities now (especially with family over the holidays).

I wish you all the best and hope you get to hold your child in your arms soon

[ara79]

Heather, I am really sorry that you were having a bad time. I think the idea of preparing a little for baby is so great. I hope that you have that baby of yours in your arms so soon.

[jtonnis]

I know how terrible it is. I am an identical twin and after two years of me trying, my twin sister got preg by accident! It was the hardest thing I've ever been through! With my sister, it was different. I still went to the appts, and threw her a baby shower, and was in the delivery room. I had to!! I'm glad I did because my neice is the most amazing little girl! My sister was also very caring and sensitive about how I was feeling. But, with my friends, I gave myself permission to have something else to do the day of the showers. Just send a gift, they will understand. If they don't, then they are not true friends. Give them a call once in a while, but you don't have to ask how they are feeling or endure their endless talk of symptoms and complaints of being sick. I remember how I hated to hear that because I would have given my left arm to be sick every morning!! It's ok to be sad and angry. It is SO not fair!!! I will tell you a secret, though. I have an adopted son and people are always extra excited to hear about my adoption story! You will have a great story to tell. One that is unique and special. I am so sorry for your pain. You WILL have that precious baby in your arms. And it will be better than you ever imagined and not a day will go by that you won't appreciate being a mommy. This is one of the worst things a woman can endure, but I promise you it will make you a better mother and a better person!

[jtonnis]

Also, while I was waiting I got a puppy. She's a little Boston terrier named Lola and I dressed her up and took her everywhere with me. I painted her nails and had cute little outfits for her. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but it helped! All of my friends and family made a big deal over her and I even had a birthday party for her. We are still very close and she is so special to me because she helped me through a really hard time. I have to admit that I don't take the time to paint her nails anymore, though. Poor Lola! I also had a "maternity" shirt that I wore. It was a regular tshirt that my mom made for me that had an applique of a baby taking a bath. I will wear it next time I adopt too! You can find "maternity" shirts online for mommies that are waiting to adopt. You should get a few and wear them proudly. Except on the days you don't want to talk about it. If you're anything like me, there were some days that I talked about it all day to anyone that would listen, and there were days that I wanted to kill anyone for asking! I hope I am helping and not making everyone think I'm nuts!!!

[jennifereckles]

Coping isn't easy...
still waiting on my period to come *2 mos late* Because of thyroid problems & PCOS. While I'm digesting this and telling some family, last week at thanksgiving *here in Canada*, my SIL cries "WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT" And immediately my other SILS (who know about where I'm at) start giving me the most sympathetic looks. It was hard not to loose it right there. To smile and know that everyone who knows is watching how you cope with the news...I feel like such a fake! I am so excited for her (and a bit jealous), and it is a struggle. AMAZINGLY though, just 2 days before my SIL announced this, DH & I bought a house and my MIL is giving us a puppy. So we will have lots going on to keep our minds occupied. Also, DH & I have a rule, not to talk about it for more than 30 minutes at a time or it RUINS our nights. Anyway, it is a struggle but I think as long as we have our minds occupied and I keep myself busy. Also, I am a Christian so I just have to trust that God sees and knows the bigger picture here, even if I don't. That peace of mind also helps.