[mommasomeday]

Good Morning Ladies!

Boy, I'm becoming a regular on this site!! I wanted to know how you told family and friends you were adopting?? I have been private about our infertility treatments so only close family and friends know and now we are moving on to adoption and I am nervous to share it with them because I'm not sure how they will respond. Will they be supportive? Will they say we should keep trying for our own? I have only told my sister and a few friends who have been very supportive and know what a toll this has taken on me. And my husband has shared it with his parents who have been supportive as well. I am also nervous to share it with coworkers because only 2 close friends here and my boss know what I've been going through. I know I've gotten some insensitive remarks about our infertility struggles from people and I'm afraid I will get that from people regarding adoption too. I have thought about mailing a letter so that I can address any misconceptions they might have and give them time to absorb the information. Any thoughts?

Thanks,
Heather

[CaribbeanQueen]

DH and I were very private about our IF issues and adoption plans. I really think that you should do what you're comfortable with...

Our parents knew that we were pursuing adoption even before our IVFs were successful. We are about to submit our dossier for international adoption before the end of the year. Only a few close friends and our parents know. We plan to tell everyone else only after our match.

Yes, people are insensitive--both about IF and adoption. It's aggravating, yes, but once you become a mom, it won't bother you again for a second. Been there, done that...

Best wishes on your journey!

[mommasomeday]

Hi CarribeanQueen,

Thanks for your response. I really want my family and friends to be excited and supportive of our plans, but I know some people will have their own opinions. I'm afraid I can't handle the possible negative or unsupportive comments right now. I am really thinking about writing a letter. I think I will be able to address some of their possible concerns about adoption and won't have to hear the doubt in their voices. It will give them time to digest the information also.

Thanks again,
Heather

[Wannafamily]

We did not discuss our fertility issues or our adoption plans with too many people (close friends and family only). Many people had no idea we were pursuing adoption until we had our baby girl. We learned we had been chosen by the birthmom 2 days after our daughter was born and she came home with us two days later. During that two day wait, I told my boss and a close friend and my DH did the same thing. We didn't even tell our parents until we had her in the car on our way home (she was born in the same state we live in). At that point everyone was so excited to welcome a new baby into the family!

I have to say that most people were super supportive and just so happy for us. If there were negative comments, I don't know about them and don't really care about them. Having a family was the most important thing to us, and we didn't care how we built it.

One of the things we learned early on in the application and home study process is that you don't have to share a lot of details (nor should you) about your adoptive child's situation. It is not our story, it is hers and she should be the one to share the details when she is old enough to do so. I think the nitty gritty details are what make people offer opinions that we don't want to hear.

Good luck - I think you will be surprised at how people react to your choice!

[mommasomeday]

Hi Laurie,

Thanks for your response. It's funny there is a part of me that wants to keep this information private, but there's another part of me that wants to share it with everyone because I've been waiting so long for a baby and I'm really happy to be getting closer to that goal. I guess I need to find that happy medium somewhere in the middle. Was your boss shocked when you told her you were adoptiong a baby in 2 days and would be out on maternity leave for 3 months? That is also good advice about not sharing your childs adoption information with people and letting them do so when they are old enough.

Thank you so much for your advice and support
Heather

[Kari]

After a year of TTC, my husband and I told family and friends about our fertility treatments. Everyone close to us were supportive. I didn't want to keep it a secret because I wasn't ashamed of it - and I didn't want others to ask "when are you 2 going to have children".

So, it was very easy when our IVFs were unsuccessful to share that we were waiting to adopt. Everyone was very excited and had lots of questions. When we had our adoption classes we learned a lot about what to expect at the hospital, to not have a baby shower prior to TPR (termination of parental rights), open adoption aspects, keeping specifics about our sons bparents and adoption story private, and the steps that need to happen before becoming legal parents (adoption day). So, I sent out an email to family and friends about everything we learned - so they would understand our feelings when we were finally picked and waiting for the TPR. I think people are less likely to make insensitive and/or ignorant comments when you educate them about the facts.

For me, telling our families and friends about us waiting to adopt was exciting - you have the right to be excited, plan, and share your news just like any other expecting mom. Our social worker encouraged us to tell everyone we knew in the hopes that maybe it would lead us to an emom that was making an adoption plan.

[arbuckle17]

I have a close nit family. Our parents knew about some of the IF stuff but not a lot, I just wanted them to stop pestering us about "when are you gonna have a baby"... dw's heart drops...

We were going to keep our move into fostering a secrete till after the homestudy (was supposed to take 6 mo) but we ended up with an emergency placement and that little detail had to be expedited.

We sent out an email explaining that we were fostering, and later my dw posted why we moved into foster/adoption so there wouldn't be a shroud of mystery.

One thing to keep in mind, during our homestudy our parents also had to fill out a questionaire about their marraige, and us as a child. So though you may want it to stay a secrete they will end up finding out part way through the process.


OH and what will they do when you tell them about IF:

"are you still trying"
"oh your sisters friend had that have your dw call her"
"well you still what your own kids don't you"
"Wow I could never do that"
"I heard if you sit on a monkey and rubbed a bag of Irish sunflower seeds on your face for two hours while burping the alphabet that you will ge pregnant (so embellished a bit there but when they started talking about acupuncture and herbal drinks I tuned out)"

[Wannafamily]

Originally Posted by mommasomeday

Hi Laurie,

Thanks for your response. It's funny there is a part of me that wants to keep this information private, but there's another part of me that wants to share it with everyone because I've been waiting so long for a baby and I'm really happy to be getting closer to that goal. I guess I need to find that happy medium somewhere in the middle. Was your boss shocked when you told her you were adoptiong a baby in 2 days and would be out on maternity leave for 3 months? That is also good advice about not sharing your childs adoption information with people and letting them do so when they are old enough.

Thank you so much for your advice and support
Heather

My boss and our VP of HR both kinew when we started the adoption process last November. I told them it would take 6-18 months for a placement and they were very supportive. They both knew (because I told them) that having a family was my #1 priority and it didn't matter what it took - I was going to be a mom. Anyway, they were both very supportive when we got our match and placement so quickly. I actually worked 10 hours a week starting when Isabella was 2 weeks old and that has morphed into me working 20 hours a week (all from home). I know that I have an amazing situation where I can be home with her, but still stay connected to the company and make some money. I never imagined it would work out like this (thought I would go back full time) and could not be happier. I busted my butt for this company for several years, so I think that is why they are being so awesome right now to me. I plan to stay part-time indefinitely!

You are right about a happy medium. We shared the fact that we were going to adopt with our immediate families and some of our friends, but I just didn't feel like I had to tell everyone. I was excited to tell the people I did, because like you, I felt like we had waited so long to be parents and adoption was definitely the light at the end of the tunnel. I also learned that a lot of people in our "circle" had either been adopted, had adopted children in their families, or had adopted themselves. It opened up a really large support group for us and I can't tell you how much that helped. Like fertility, once you are going through it yourself, you find out that there are more people that have that in common than you could ever have imagined. It has brought so many wonderful people into our lives that we would never have met - I feel it is such a special bond.

Sorry for the ramble!

Keep us posted - I can't wait to hear your story and follow your journey!!

[mikamaya]

Hi, everyone.
I'm a bit late, but this was something I used to worry so I can totally relate. My DH and I are doing our 3rd and last IVF but we are ready to adopt if this is not successful. Just keeping our eyes on the prize (baby)!
Since we've been considering adoption almost at the same time we started 2nd IVF, I've talked to a few close friends/coworkers and family about the possibility of adoption and found their reactions very encouraging! Like they are just as excited as when we told them about IVF - then I realized they just want to see us with a baby no matter how we get him/her. So I feel sure that people (at least those matter to us, anyway) will be happy for us and our baby, IVF or adopted, will get their love and support.

[mlb]

My immediate family and a few very close friends knew that we were pursuing IVF and then adoption but my husband's family did not. We told my husband's parents and with our blessing they "spread the word". This kept us from having to hear as many unthinking comments. Most of the questions we got were how we piacked an agency and steps involved. It was after our son got home that we got the more intrusive questions.
Best of luck!

[reddee24]

Heather,
First of all, congratulations to you and your husband on your adoption plans! This is a very exciting time for you and you deserve it after what you've been going through to have a family.
I am a 31 year old and was adopted when I was only one week old. My husband and I are now in the process of adopting ourselves as well after a long and painful history.
Those who understand what it truly means to be a family no matter how that family is formed, will be the ones who matter in all of this. Just know that you are making the right decision for yourself and your husband and anyone else who says otherwise is just ignorant.
You have a lot of love to give, so for anyone to question how you give it is wrong. My parents faced this same problem with my fathers mother, but they still moved forward and in the end I ended up being my Nana's favorite grandchild!
Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to support you.
Dawn

[mommasomeday]

Good Morning,

I just want to thank everyone for responding to my post with such support. I feel like I always say this but your words means so much. Just a bit of an update, since I haven't been on the board for a while, but my husband and I are hoping that after our last information meeting this weekend with a local agency we will be able to pick an agency to do our homestudy. We are hoping to get our application in my Dec 1st, so I am really excited about that. I am so ready to get the process started!! I've even started looking at baby bedding online which is something I never would have done going through IF. I really feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now and that's a great feeling.

Mikamaya-I just looked at your signature and wanted to say congratulations on your BFP!! That is so awesome and I wish you a healthy happy pregnancy!

Reddee24-You have such an amazing perspective being an adoptee and now adopting yourself and I wanted to thank you for your kind words. And I wanted to say I'm very sorry for everything you have been through and for the loss of your precious baby. Best of luck to you and your husband in your adoption journey. I look forward to hearing all about it!

Heather

[reddee24]

Heather,
Thank you so much for your kind words. This last year has for sure been the hardest thing we have ever had to go through, but we've made it and for that I'm so proud of us. We always love and miss, Halle, but I know she wants only the best for her Mom and Dad. Hopefully we can give her a brother or sister to watch over now.
I will keep in touch and let you know how we are doing with our adoption and you do the same as well. Good luck to you. Let me know if you need anything else!
Dawn