[jessalynhope]

So after one more we've decided to start the adoption process!
We always planned to adopt, but we tohugh we'd try to have a biological child first. Two and a half years later, we're ready to start!!!
I'm really excited!!!
The only draw back is my in- laws don't support the idea. They have two adopted sons and then they had my husband. My mil has actually said she wishes she had waited to have my husband instead of adopting. A years or so ago, I told her we planned to adopt and she said' You never know what you're going to get'. His middle brother was a FAS baby, and had lots of behavior problems, but it kills me htat she think my hubby is not only the perfect man(which I love him but he's not perfect!) and that she's actually said it's because he's biological!!! It strikes me as so egotistical.
I don't know I guess I'm just moody...I'm adopted so her comments offend me more than I can tell you!
They're visiting us tomorrow and we just made the decision, but we've decided not to tell them until just before we get our child, so that will be best I think. I just hope she stops wondering about when we'll get pregnant...Any advice on how to deal with unsupportive family and friends??

[KuddleyGal]

Well Jessa -

Congratulations for the next steps to becoming a mommy. I cant believe your MIL for actually saying that. Your adopting a baby - thats your child. But regardless I'm excited for you and DH's next step.

[shb24]

Congratulations - only YOU know what is best for you! Keep us posted!

[Maureen]

Hi-
I actually wanted to post a similar question. We are starting our 2nd IVF try, but plan to start the adoption process if we don't have any luck in 3 tries. Today, my MIL started a conversation about how you have to be so careful with adoption, since so many adopted children have big problems. It's all based on the experiences of one friend of hers. I tried to explain that many/most people have wonderful experiences, but she didn't seem to believe me. Then I pointed out that adoption may be our only option to have a family, so it doesn't matter what the risks are- we'd do it anyway. Earlier, my sister had also said many negative things about adoption. How parents she knew talked only about the problems, and how if you have any of your "own" children and adopted ones, problems occur. I just get SO mad. A) I think they're wrong and that people's biological kids are just as likely to have problems. And B) what good could possibly come from telling me this when it might be our only hope???

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this? I know I'm being defensive, but I also know that they are being insensitive.

Thanks!
Maureen

[jenedens6102]

Congratulations on this decision, it is also the direction that we are headed in once we have the funds saved up. It's been our plan for a while but we wanted to try IVF first so we could say we'd done everything we could (treatment wise) to have a child of our own. Adoption is not the second best choice for us and we've made that very clear to everyone. We've always said that we will be parents in this life, whether biological or adoptive didn't matter to us. A child is a gift from God, a blessing! Fortunately for us everyone is very supportive of our decision. I wouldn't know what to do or say if we didn't have full support. Therefore know that my thoughts and prayers will be with you to help guide you in the right direction and give you the strength to help others understand your desire, regardless of "what you might get."

[futuremom2b]

I can't believe what your mil said to you!
I'm so sorry that you all have had some unsupportive family members.... Our adopted son has been so amazing and makes our whole family laugh harder than any of the bio kids! As soon as your child gets here and they see the love your family has, they will start to make a different impression. Good luck and stay positive.
Congrats on your decison to move forward, and create your family.

[Poppycorn95]

Let me tell you about me.

I have a biological daughter from a previous relationship - so I have the "Birth" child. I also have my son, Conner, who I adopted from Ukraine when he was 9 months old; and my daughter Macie, who I adopted from foster care when she was 2.5 years old.

Do I love one child more than the other? Nope. Do I favor one child more than the others? *hehe* Well my kids would probably say that Jenna gets more (but she is older, has more responsibilities, and as a result has more freedom than the other children.) But no, I don't favor one over the other.

I can honestly tell you that ALL my children are a blessing, and we love each of them in their own way.

Now my in-laws...they have a clear favorite - my son Conner. It doesn't matter that Jenna was their first granddaughter, it doesn't matter that Macie is their youngest granddaughter. All that matters is CONNER. (Very frustrating and many arguments have occurred.)

Guess what i'm saying is GO FOR IT. Do what is best for YOUR family.

[jessalynhope]

Thanks everyone! We finished our educational component of our hme study and will be starting the rest of it soon. Getting all of our paperwork in order is a lot of work. We've done our medical, criminal record checks, and our references now need to respond...EEEK!
My inlaws haven't said anything again yet, thankfully! We've met a family who adopted from liberia which makes it even more exciting...We have decided to adopt two at once, hopefully siblings...I'm so excited! The people we've told have mostly been supportive. My brother was a bit of an ***...He started telling me that having black role models for our children wasn't important. It bugs me when someone says really ignorant things, coming from a place of no information...Of course it's important! Our children will be black, I'm not going to pretend they're not...I want to them to be happy confident adults one day, and I want them to be proud of their heritage...I'm begininng to suspect we'll be hearing more ignorant comments..,.But I'm prepared. These wil be our children and we couldn't be happier!

[Anastasia]

Jessalyn,

I am so excited for you. I am sorry if I missed something but are you doing International (what country?) or domestic adoption? We are thinking about adoption as well, and as my DH is African American (I am white), we are only open to AA or biracial children. We will probably do domestic, perhaps foster to adopt. My Mother-in-law has been a bit of a pain in the *%$ as well. My husband's brother and his wife are in the process of adopting a child (they are also an inter-racial couple) and their child is AA. Anyway, my MIL said to me a couple of weeks ago, that we should do whatever we can to get pg on our own, because she didn't know if you could ever feel the same way about an adopted child. UGGGH! I wanted to slap her, good thing I was on the phone. I mean it is difficult enough for all of us grieving through the IF process w/o those comments. She has since back-pedaled from those comments (my DH confronted her). Oh well.

Well, please keep us up to date with your adoption process. I am that you will have a smooth and wonderful experience.

[Jacklyn]

Congratulations on your decision!! I pray that eveything sails smoothly for you.
I guess waiting for a bit to tell your in-laws in a good idea, if that is how they feel.

Good luck with eveything!!

[irmareyes75]

Congrats to you and your DH. MY DH and I also thinking of adopting. I told my DH if the 3rd IVF didnt work that I will start the process in adopting. We are both hispanic and I told him it didnt matter on the baby's race. I just need to search for an adoption agency and save up. The company I work for also helps in adoption fees so thats great. I did tell my MIL and she was really supportive of the idea. She just wants us to be happy and she wants to be grandma. I wish your MIL can be so understanding and come to her senses and I think she will ones she sees that adorable baby. Good luck and lots of prayers going your way.

[sunny72]

DH and I are doing some real soul searching right now and considering international adoption. Just in lines with this thread, my MIL I'm ashamed to say is very racist. She fears other races, it's very apparent in her words. I don't want that to influence us or make us choose one child over another, but at the back of my mind I wonder how she will react to our decision let alone the child. I know deep down she does have a big heart in other respects and she will love the child and bond, but there is the chance she'll have a verbal slip-up somewhere. She has no filter on her thoughts and it worries me.

Again though, it would never truly affect my decision but just wish some people were more open minded in life and kept their thoughts to themselves if they can't be.

[Anastasia]

Sunny 72,

I am so sorry about your MIL, I am afraid racism is still so prevalent and something nearly everyone who adopts transracially encounters. I think it is definitely something that should be considered. The last thing that you want is for your child to be shunned by your family and if you should have a biological child down the road (I of course am not suggesting that adoption will make this happen, contrary to about a zillion people who have told me this- v. annoying), but if you should, I just know you do not want the child to feel second best. I am lucky in that even my grandparents are very open to different races (they love my DH and his family).

Also, everyone I know who has adopted transracially gets constant questions and comments. A lawyer I work with here even had her secretary say that she would not let her daughter date the lawyer's son, because he is bi-racial. OMG, I couldn't believe that that S*&^ was aired openly anymore. Anyway, I am not saying any of these things to be discouraging to anyone, but people should know that racial issues are still so prevalent. Luckily, even in our small city in Wisconsin, my dh and I really never run into open racism at least.

Take care and whatever path you choose is going to result in you becoming a mom, yeaah!

(sorry about the long post)