[gangof4]

It is a big risk that we will be taking by going the foster to adopt route. And I understand that the main goal is reunification. But to have a child from birth and taken away after 4 years is truly tragic. And I cant see how this is in the best interest of the child. It must be devastating for the child also. That would be the most painful part for me...is the impact it would have on the child/children.

[sarah16]

I agree! From personal experience as a teacher I know the state gives the parents way too much credit when the children would be better off away from them. It's a sad system.

[kristyr41982]

I know that kind of stuff does happen but usually the children placed in foster to adopt home are just awaiting termination of bio parents rights. My agency has two types of foster to adopt. One is emergency cases that are usually infants. This is very high legal risk as the child's mom may get them back or a grandparent or family member may step in. The other is usually babies older than 6 months that have been in the foster system up to a year. It is clear the bio mom is not going to get the baby and no family will take the child so they are lower legal risk. We refused emergency cases. Our agency had 2 cases in the past 2 years where children were returned to thier bio parents but both cases were high legal risk from emergency situations. There are always risks. That is why I would almost prefer a toddler who has been in the foster system for a year or so. The legal risk drops the longer they are in the system because there is a reason they are not going back to the bio parents. In the system they will do anything they can to keep kids with thier biological mothers, but if she has not fixed the problem eventually a judge will terminate rights.

[gangof4]

Sarah-Wow as a teacher you must see some messy situations. I have a good friend who is a teacher and she works in one of the poorest and toughest districts. She has some sad stories to tell.

Kristy- Your right, most cases do end up with termination of the parents rights but it still feels like Russian roulette.

Is 3 yr.s the best age? It's so difficult to calculate what age is the best. So much damage can happen in the first 3 yr.s for some and for others they can come out of it unscathed. A few years ago I ran into an acquaintance whom is a family court judge. She sits on a lot of these type of cases. She knows the system and the children. I mentioned to her how I was interested in one day becoming a foster parent. She strongly urged me to not take any kids over 2 because after that too much damage has been done. She was saying that because I have young children and her concern was for them. But personally I think it's a crap shoot. You can get a 4 yr.old who handled their past really well and is pretty stable and you can get a 2yr.old who never recovers from the abuse.
I've been reading about what to expect with foster children and it seems like you can expect pretty much anything...that some children will be symptomatic of all the consequences of their abuse/neglect and some kids will show very little effects of it.
Anywho, It's a lot to ponder

[sarah16]

After our heavy conversations this week I just want to say have a good weekend!!!!!!!!!!

[CaribbeanQueen]

Hi Everyone--

I am with Sarah--wishing everyone a good weekend! It is a lot to ponder if you consider the foster-adopt route. I cannot imagine how I'd feel.

Theresa--wishing you well on your adoption journey. I hope that your mom is feeling better... I am glad that you can be with her.

Mika--welcome to the thread... I am a newbie around here myself. Our adoption has been "on hold" while we were undergoing fertility treatments, but we are excited about moving forward.

As it turns out, our social worker had to cancel her visit from last week. She had strep throat and didn't want to share it (thanks for that--it's the LAST thing that we need around here). We've sent her some dates for a visit in the next 2 weeks, so hopefully we'll schedule that on Monday. We need to update our fingerprints as well, then we'll be good to go!

[gangof4]

Thanks Sarah! I hope you have a wonderful weekend as well!

And everyone else too! Have a great weekend!

[IslandGirl]

Hello!

Do you guys have room for one more? My DH and I have a meeting with an adoption agency at the end of June. We had a miscarriage with our first IVF and and a FET that was a BFN. We have decided that adoption is our best option and we are really excited and scared. We are going to pursue domestic infant adoption. We are looking forward to bringing home a baby to our family.

[Wannafamily]

Hi Island Girl - your story sounds like mine. I miscarried my first pregnancy then I had a chemical pregnancy and a BFN from a FET. After that we had to think about what to do next and domestic adoption was our first choice. I wanted to let you know that it does work, and sometimes it works very fast! My DH and I used an agency and we were matched with our daughter in approximately 3 months from when we submitted our completed application (4 months from our initial meeting with the agency). We got her at 4 days old (that is how soon the birth parents can sign papers in our state) and she is now just over 11 weeks old. She is our miracle and we feel very blessed! Feel free to PM me with any questions you have - I love to share our story with others who are looking into adoption! Good luck with your meeting in June - I know good things will come of it!!

[mikamaya]

Hi, All.
Thank you for the welcoming messages.
As I said we went to an adoption conference on Saturday and got a lot of information - almost too much that I still haven't digested all. So many choices! At least I feel better that if we continue the path of adoption we will finally have our baby in the end
I saw that some of you were talking about fost-to-adopt, and these risks definitely turned me away from it. It's kind of sad because I know there are a lot of children who need parents, but for our first child we'd like to be selfish and pursue a healthy baby without the anxiety of birthparents taking him/her back. Still we haven't even decided domestic or international. It is exciting, though. I know that the choice of agency/attorney/facilitator is VERY important, so we'll have to do a lot of research! At least we found a social worker we'd like to use for the homestudy, so start from there!
Then there's the cost, but the tax credit and employee benefits would definitely help. And we learned that private adoption (where you find a birthmother yourself) would cost significantly less and even though we are still apprehensive about the risks associated with it at least we saw/heard several examples at the conference where they worked out fine for all parties. If only we are lucky to run into someone who knows of potential birthmothers! Better start spreading words among friends & families that we are looking. You never know.
Good luck everyone!!

P.S. Theresa - hope your mother's health will improve soon.

[gangof4]

Mikamaya. I have a friend who adopted by way of finding a birthmother. I think she also had an adoption lawyer. But in anycase I dont think the whole process took that long at all. Good luck!

[gangof4]

Island girl! Adoption can be a little scary but if you were brave enough to go through IVF then you should be just fine going through the adoption challenges.

[kristyr41982]

Island girl and Mikamaya! Good luck with your journey. I completely understand why someone who is adopting their 1st would want an infant. I would if it was my 1st.

Well, we had our meeting last week and everything is taking off. We have a pre-adoption counseling session next Wednesday the 27th and then we have classes June 11-13th. We have our application almost complete. We are starting to work towards the long to do list for the homestudy. Our final decision is to do foster/adopt. We are willing to take any child under age 3, boy or girl, any race, without any major disability. We are also willing to take a sibling up to age 5 if there is a situation where 2 children under 5 are available.

[sarah16]

Welcome new ladies!!

[arucker]

Hey girls and welcome to everyone that's new. I work in a lighting store and I was talking to this guys this morning and he mentioned his wife works at an orphanage. Long story short we started talking about adoption/infertility ect. Talk about bad luck. This man told me his and his wife's story about their infertilty/adoption process. They did 1 IVF with it ending in MC. Then did all of the adoption stuff and he said things went wrong he hated the system ect. They never did get a child then did fostering and was traumatized over the 3 older boys they were fostering that had major problems. Now they are childless. My question is how often does that really happen? Does this couple have bad karma? It seemed pretty over the top to me, but I did feel really sorry for them. Have anyone else heard of any stories like this? Really bummed me out this morning.