[CryingInside]

Dh and I are going back and forth between IVF and Adoption as our next step.

The things we are thinking is that we can adopt and do IVF later (unless we don't have any money left because we would have a baby to take care of and might not be able to afford IVF later). Also, if we went this route I would probably have to have another lap beforehand (not necessarily a big deal, but something to consider).

The other option is IVF, but I am soooo worried that I may not be able to deal with a BFN after spending $8-10,000. I feel that the hopelessness that might happen after a BFN would be so much worse if I then feel that I am going to have to save all over again for adoption.

I know that it is completely a personal decision, but how did you decide? Was there even any decision to make for you? I just need some opinions so that maybe I will feel more comfortable making a decision.

Thanks in advance for any opinions you can share!

[rhart]

That's a great question. I was in your shoes up until a couple months ago. We were attending information seminars about adoption and starting to do the propper financial planning. After the dismal results of our first IVF I was sure that I couldn't go through that stuff again for at least 2 years. Everything changed when I saw a posting about an IVF clinical close to where I live. I couldn't pass up the opportunity inspite of all the uncertainty and fears. I know that adoption still holds a place in my mind and I won't rule it out, but for now I'm putting my eggs (literally and figuratively) into the IVF basket. I know through some soul searching and perhaps a little fate you'll make the decision that's right for you or something good might just fall in your lap. Good luck whatever you decide.

[sarah16]

My situation is a little different because I already have a daughter. I wasn't going to go through the $14000 when I could spend the same amount on adoption and it would be a sure thing. It did take us 2 failed IUIs to get to that point though. We told our RE up front that we weren't going to do IVF.

Looking back no matter how long it takes for us to be placed I know I made the right decision. But it isn't for everyone. I was crazy on the meds and cried every month I had a BFN. I had to get off the IF rollercoaster because it was becoming an obsession.

Good luck Stephanie with whatever you decide to do. You will have support here either way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[mgmsrk]

For my husband and I adoption was always going to happen, if we chose to have children, until we started trying for our own, 3 years ago we were not sure we would have children of our own.

We first started adoption procedures about 10 years ago when we were living in NY. We were almost done with the home study when we decided to move to Canada. So that went on the back burner, I ran a B&B for the first 3 years here so that allowed for no time and my DH was still working in NY. 5 years ago we started the process here, it moves even slower than the health care system, hard to believe but true. 3 years after the application they were just getting around to the home study and they told us they would have to stop the process as we were deemed “unstable”. 1 year previous my husband lost the contract he was working on in Canada and had to go back to his job in NY (Thankfully he had that to go to) So because we were living apart they considered us to have separated!!!! One of the dippy social workers actually wanted to know why we just didn’t declare bankruptcy, foreclose on our house (our 1year old new home!) and go on welfare than we could live together and proceed with the adoption process. I can’t post what my response to her was or I will be banned from the site, it did have a lot to due with responsibility and how she obviously has no idea what that is. So we had to live together for 2 years again before we could go ahead, so we started a few months ago again. This time we are also doing a privet home study, we meet with her tomorrow, very exciting.

We had always planed on adopting older children, most likely a sibling group. Since infertility was never a thought originally. When we started the process we thought if we wanted our on children we could just do that. Ha Ha how ironic. Now that we want one of our own we will likely still go for a sibling group first than we may look at adopting a younger child.

Now if my cancer scare turns out to be negative and can do IVF at our leasure we are seriously thinking of doing it overseas. We are leaning at this point towards the Czech Republic, for $10,000 you can stay for 2-3 weeks have your IVF and ER cycle including your hotel and flight. I figure if I spend 10g and get a BFN at least we both get a great vacation out of the money.

[mia23]

Oh Steph you and I are in the same boat it is crazy. Dh and I have been thinking more and more about it lately. Also when I looked into it I found out that you get a $10,000 adoption tax credit. So you will pretty much get the money back that you spend up front so that is something to consider. You get that credit and can start saving again for IVF. I dont know if your looking at international, domestic, foster-adopt. But good luck and lots of prayers for peace in your decision.

[nefile]

I was worried about the same thing -- spending all of my money on ivf where there is no guarantee and then not having enough left over for the costly process of adoption. For me, there are strong desires for both -- for adopting a child (which many friends have done and seem even more joyful than other parents) and for the pregnancy experience, which seems so wondrous to me too. With a little research I found out that many IVF programs have a sort of shared risk program of various sorts. If you qualify for these then you generally get a certain amount of tries and if the attempts fail, you will get your money refunded. One does has to meet their medical requirements however.
I hope this works out for you.

[mlb]

I was 26 and began the infertility journey with my husband. We did Clomid and IVF with ICSI twice. At one point he was secretly giving me shots in the keester (SP?) during a wake as his family did not kow what we were going through. Oh, the good old days. After the second failed IVF I was soooo emotionally done and knew that if it failed for a third time that I would fear for my mental stability, though a pregnancy was what I wanted more than anything at the time.
When we decided to adopt it was like a weight was off of our shoulders; that is how we knew we made the right decision for us. We did adopt internationally and Kaz is one of the most expensive adoptions out there, but my husband's super saving ability was how we got there (twice) on top of 2 IVFs with an average two person income. Yes, I am 35 and we are just now looking for a bigger home (ours is tiny), but that was a concession we made to have our boys. Boy are they worth it.
Sorry for the long resonse, but I love to talk about my boys and our journey to them. Best of luck with whatever you decide, and at the end of the day you and your husband's feelings are all that really matters.

[CryingInside]

I guess I will know for sure what is right for us. I just don't want to screw up and pick the wrong one. Still just doing a ton of research!

[Kari]

After 2 failed IVFs we knew we could afford only one more IVF or domestic adoption. Domestic adoption was a more sure thing. I now have little faith that IVF will work for us.

It still was a very difficult decision. Waiting for the adoption "call" and waiting for the next procedure, injection, or pregnancy test can all be emotional.

I know the child that comes to us via adoption will be meant for our family - and loved more than anything. However, I know I will always have a hard time accepting not experiencing pregnancy. Thus, we may consider embryo adoption for our second adoption.

[hopenpray]

Stephanie, thank you for posting this question and thank you to all the women who answered. We are in the middle of our 3rd IUI and will only do one more. We are not going to do IVF and are pretty set on adoption. Thanks again for all of you sharing your experiences.

[Murphette]

I POSTED THIS ON THE INFERTILITY FORUM WHERE I INITIALLY FOUND THIS QUESTION, BUT THOUGHT I'D REPOST IT HERE TOO.

Stephanie,

My DH and I went back and forth on this issue as well. Like Charms we were not "allowed" to adopt until we could say we were not trying for a biological child. We had two attempts at IVF and unfortunately both of them failed. In between the first and second cycles we started looking into adoption.

Because of my age, and because it was the last time I would ever be able to try IVF we opted to do the second cycle in January. Yes, it cost us $11,000 but I really felt that I needed to try. When I got my BFN, I was devastated. I had to grieve for the 4 little embryos that none of them took, and I had to grieve for the fact that I would never be able to have a biological child. It took me a long while to get through my depression and anger at everything. Having come through that as best I can, I can look back and say that I am glad we did try that last time. There were parts of the experience that were incredible (like when we actually got to see the moment of conception when they injected the sperm into the egg). How many parents (or potential parents) get to see that? So, while things are tight financially at the moment, I will never regret that I spent that money on a final shot at my dream of biological children.

Having gone through hell and back, we then needed to consider what options were left to us. We had a choice of using donor eggs (which would more than double our IVF costs as we are self pay), we could adopt, or we could opt to remain childless. We decided that we really have a lot of love, a beautiful home, and strong values to share with a child or children. We really want to have the chance to be parents together. So we are trying to adopt. We are in the process of completing a required parenting course and our home study.

We did a lot of talking and soul searching. We looked at our lives, where we are now, our ages, oh just lots of things. So we've decided to try and adopt children through the state we live in, and we've decided we want to try for a child or a sibling group between the ages of 6 and 10. There are so many of them out there that need and desperately want a home and parents. But the older they get, the more they know that they're chances for fulfilling their dreams are getting slim as almost everyone wants to adopt babies.

We decided we've been there, we've seen how getting "older" decreases your chances of having your dreams come true. So why not try a fulfill a child or children's dream of a loving home, while at the same time fulfilling our dreams of having children to raise and love?

It took a lot of time, a lot of talking, a lot of sharing what our individual dreams actually were to come to these decisions. But as we close the door on our dreams of biological children, we feel we've made the right decision to at least try and share our lives with with someon who really needs us.

Good luck to you whatever you decide is right for you at this time in your lives.

[Kari]

Murphette -

I, too, am glad we tried IVF even though it was not successful. I can at least say I carried our embryos in me for awhile - and that meant a lot to me. And down the road I will never think - "what if...". It was part of our step to adoption.

Good luck with your adoption journey!

[mlb]

I totally agree with you Kari! Knowing that we did all we could and had no regrets made the transition to adoption a positive one.

[mondk]

Well, we decided to adopt a few months after I miscarried the twins. My IVF was cancelled due to poor response (only 3 follies) on the maximum dose of Follistim. However, even though I m/c'ed, I still got pg on the IUI.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop with the IF...it took me quite a while to just work through all my emotions after the miscarriage. At the time we adopted Joshie, I never wanted to do another fertility treatment of any kind.

However, we have one vial of sperm left and when my clinic notified me as to what they should do with it, I knew in my heart that I had to do one last treatment. Since I'm nowhere near menopause (my cycles were really irregular and I thought that was the cause) we decided to use that last vial so I will be using Clomid, mainly due to cost factors. If we get pg, great...if not, I can rest assured knowing we tried everything.

Our adoption we are still making payments...total cost with homestudy, post-placement visits, attorney fees, travel, all came to probably a bit over 20 grand. And that was domestic and Joshie was only 2 days old when placed with us. He is almost a year old now and I can't believe how time flies. I wouldn't trade either of my sons for anything in the world...I love them both so much...

Anyway, whatever you decide...good luck and I pray you will have a baby soon via either decision.

Blessings, Michelle

[rebecca0130]

Steph,

The most important thing for us was having a family. Look at my history. We went right to IVF - got BFN and just said forget it! We wanted a family, period. - and wow, were we blessed with the BEST little boy in the whole world. DIdn't matter how he came to us.
Having him while trying to decide how to have our second, made it a thousand times easier. We have our family, so we were relaxed.
And now we are expecting in December - it is the absolute best of both worlds and I wouldn't do anything differently.

Best of luck to you.

Remember, when you think about your next step it should bring you peace and happiness, not anxiety.