[CryingInside]

DH got back from being gone all week last night. Truthfully I wanted to talk about all this new information I've found while he was gone, but I knew better than to do that the first night he's back. Anyways, I was putting some stuff on Ebay to sell to raise money when he got home and he was instantly ticked off.

Our plans were to interview and research this summer while I am out of school and then maybe by next summer have enough information and money put together to actually start the process. Apparently now dh wants to wait to do anything. He doesn't want to think anything "baby" over the summer. He just wants to enjoy his summer. He said we can start thinking about it all maybe next summer or the summer after that. I am trying to figure out how much "baby" stuff he's been doing. I mean, he never even looked up infertility online, never once did any research about it, and hasn't done anything related to adoptions. He said that it is all I ever think about. I was like "whoa, wait a minute!" I am a full time student, work full time, am chairperson for our company newsletter, manage a 3.8 GPA, have a dog and a cat, make jewelry to sell on Ebay. I mean really, is infertility stuff ALL I am? Not even close! Not to mention that I was forbidden to even talk about infertility while I was on 2WW.

I just feel like we have been standing still so long. I mean out of the 3 years we have been seeing the RE, we have only done 8 cycles.

So now I am on an indefinate wait. After I got so excited and ready to go and had something to look forward to, we are on a break again. I can't imagine making it through another 4th of July, Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's......all without even a shred of something to look forward to. He did that to me when we first started seeing the RE. I had the appointment, I had the medication, I had the surgery, and then BOOM-we had to wait because dh wasn't ready. So that pushed me into the timing of having to have the second surgery because it had been so long.

I feel so heartbroken that I don't know what to do. I even ordered a stupid book that is going to come anyday now and I dread opening up my mailbox to see it sitting inside.

How can I look forward when there is nothing to look forward to?

[Cathy-TTC#2]

Originally Posted by CryingInside

DH got back from being gone all week last night. Truthfully I wanted to talk about all this new information I've found while he was gone, but I knew better than to do that the first night he's back. Anyways, I was putting some stuff on Ebay to sell to raise money when he got home and he was instantly ticked off.

Our plans were to interview and research this summer while I am out of school and then maybe by next summer have enough information and money put together to actually start the process. Apparently now dh wants to wait to do anything. He doesn't want to think anything "baby" over the summer. He just wants to enjoy his summer. He said we can start thinking about it all maybe next summer or the summer after that. I am trying to figure out how much "baby" stuff he's been doing. I mean, he never even looked up infertility online, never once did any research about it, and hasn't done anything related to adoptions. He said that it is all I ever think about. I was like "whoa, wait a minute!" I am a full time student, work full time, am chairperson for our company newsletter, manage a 3.8 GPA, have a dog and a cat, make jewelry to sell on Ebay. I mean really, is infertility stuff ALL I am? Not even close! Not to mention that I was forbidden to even talk about infertility while I was on 2WW.

I just feel like we have been standing still so long. I mean out of the 3 years we have been seeing the RE, we have only done 8 cycles.

So now I am on an indefinate wait. After I got so excited and ready to go and had something to look forward to, we are on a break again. I can't imagine making it through another 4th of July, Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's......all without even a shred of something to look forward to. He did that to me when we first started seeing the RE. I had the appointment, I had the medication, I had the surgery, and then BOOM-we had to wait because dh wasn't ready. So that pushed me into the timing of having to have the second surgery because it had been so long.

I feel so heartbroken that I don't know what to do. I even ordered a stupid book that is going to come anyday now and I dread opening up my mailbox to see it sitting inside.

How can I look forward when there is nothing to look forward to?

IF is so frustrating isn't it? It puts such a strain on marriage. I wish I had some good advice to share with you but the only thing I can offer is try not to get mad or angry because it wont' help anything.

Maybe there is another issue that DH isn't talking about. Is he nervous about having a baby or becoming a daddy? I'm sure he knows all you've been through. Maybe he is feeling neglected in general?

Find a time when neither of you is preoccupied with something (which I know can be hard) and talk about things, talk about life and then gradually move into the IF thing. Talk about the pros and cons of waiting until next summer or the summer after. Those of us who have dealt with IF for a very long time know that just because you decide you are going to start "trying" whether it be naturally or ART, that it doesn't happen right away sometimes years down the line. Make sure he understands that. By the time it happens, he might be ready.

We all need something to look forward to, let him know how important it is to you.

[BabySteps]

I am sorry that you are going through this. IF is very stressful on relationships. Men typically are fixers. They want to fix the problem and when they can't they get discouraged and often do not want to deal with it. It is really hard to get in a man's brain sometimes and really know what they are thinking. He may be scared, he may feel like he is not in control of the problem, maybe he really does want to wait to have children or he could just be really stressed and neeed some time to focus on other things. Maybe he has some financial concerns? It really is hard to predict what is going on.

Try to talk to him. I know you said that he does not want to talk about it but begin by letting him know that it is very important for you to discuss a few things so you now where things stand. Somehow you need to both get on the same page and be supportive of each other. Try in a very calm way to open the lines of communication. Be strong and hold some of your feelings back if you can. By that I mean don't let your emotions get too out of control. If you get emotional, it may stress him out even more and push him away. This is hard to do, I know.

Although you may think your DH is acting 'mean', there may be issues that he is concerned about that need to be discussed. Sometimes it is painful for men to watch their wives get upset and disappointed and the only way they can fix it, is to avoid the situation. Reassure him that this is not going to define or break you, that if you take it one step at a time you both can get through this. If one protocol does not work, another will. IF is a journey.

I hope you and DH feel better about this soon

[mgmsrk]

Stephanie, I’m so sorry it sounds incredibly frustrating! I agree with the ladies that with men there is just know way of knowing what is going on it their brains unless you get them to talk about it, easier said than done. He may be just overwhelmed with the whole prospect, it’s a lot of information to absorb or he could of heard that adoption is just too hard and believed it, there are a lot of bad rumors out there. He may not under stand that the process tends to be very long, it can take years to find your healthy infant through adoption.

I wish you all the best.

[mittons]

Just food for thought, but my dh said to me the other day that he was afraid that he wouldn't love an adopted child like he loved his own. Now to me that is a huge fear that should be talked about a little more freely to work through those feelings. To me an adopted child deserves all the love you can give (and then some). Any how I told him that while he does love his dd with all his heart there are some things about her that he doesn't like. All kids are going to have things you absolutley LOVE and some things that you do not love so much.
When I put it in that light he did see that he had it in his heart to love 2 kids and he would see them as HIS and love them as idividuals and not where they came from.

Maybe there are just fears that your dh is afraid to talk about and he doesn't want to break your heart so his best solution is to tell you to hold it. I agree it needs to be talked about by the two of you but maybe it should be under his terms and not forced. I would simply say to him hey hun, I am hurt and confused by your reasoning to put off adoption. I don't want to press the issue with you until you are ready to talk to me with an open mind and an open heart. Tell him that you think it will be easier knowing the honest reasons why. When he is ready let him speak when he is done tell him how much you hurt, tell him how the holiday's get you down.

I know I am throwing a bunch out there but this is not OUR fault that we can not have children and our husbands need to know the hurt and pain that we feel because WE can't fix what is broken, but we find solutions to go around the broken areas too.

Hope it helps

[thunder]

Ohh Stephanie, I am so sorry hun. We haven't gotten to that point yet, but IF sure did put a lot of strain on our marriage and relationship. I just hope you will be able to talk to your DH and find the real reason he wants to postpone the IF work. I can understand that he wants to take a break and have the summer off before you will continue your journey, but "this summer or maybe even the next one" seems like he isn't sure what he wants or is affraid of something. Try and talk to him and make sure you understand his view and that he understands yours as well.
I am so sorry dear. I wish I can just give you the biggest hug of all! Going through IF, the last thing we need is extra stress!
Good luck with communicating with your DH. I know how hard we work on ours!
Hugs darling.

[jenedens6102]

Stephanie, I have been in those same shoes. When we first started the process with Dr G I was gungho but shortly thereafter, especially when DH found he was our factor, DH wanted to put things on hold. In that first year we only did the three IUIs (so we averaged one every four months - hello?!) then we went on a break for almost two full years before our IVF. Mainly because DH wasn't ready, he didn't want to go through so much - their part is the easiest by far! Then when we decided to start looking into adoption I had done so much leg work, ordered books, contacted adoption agencies in the state, started sharing on the adoption forum and then he decides to put things on hold again because it was too overwhelming. Plus he felt he would want to be picky about the child which isn't fair to the child. By that I mean he'd want a child that might resemble us in some way, share some of our features, come from a parent(s) who didn't smoke, drink, etc. What is it about allowing us to build up our dreams just to have them come crashing down around us? I'm so sorry. Give DH a nice swift kick in the butt!

[sarah16]

I absolutely had the same thing Steph. First DH didn't want to do any fertility meds, then he didn't want to do the IUIs. I have over researched every aspect of our journey for a baby so far. It took him at least 6 months to get used to the idea of adoption. The hard part is there is no compromise.

I had what Jen had, where my DH wanted to "hand pick our child" and I had to remind him that God would "hand pick" our child for us.

He is so excited now. I think the DHs on here have to process on their own time and bringing it up at different times is ok. I was in the car crying more than once so he could see how passionate I was about adopting. Then he finally GOT it.

Good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you on this extremely hard journey. You are an amazing woman who will prevail though!!!

[CryingInside]

Thank you so much everyone! We had a talk over lunch and I think it is a mixture of the money involved, the time involved, and me being super gung-ho ready to do it all NOW!

So we compromised and decided that we will research this summer, but the entire summer won't be only about adoption stuff. He said that he feels like I think we will get it done immediately, so I explained to him that I fully expect it to take 2 years at least. He also said that the odds of us coming home with a baby are so much better than when dealing with IF and that scares him a little I think. So, we are talking about it still and I am considering us in a "laid-back research mode." I told him that I want to read a bunch of books and that I don't want to guide myself, I want God to guide me and tell me when the timing is right and that I hope he will do the same thing.

But it was still so incredibly frustrating to hear him talking about it last night saying......hmmmm, maybe sometime, but not right now. I don't know where they get their nutso ideas!

[mlb]

I am so glad that you talked and now seem to have some sort of a plan. After you do the research and he sees the wait times, he may want to begin sooner than you think.
BTW You can select your child in Kazakhstan (when you get to the orphanage) though it is a very expensive adoption.
Best of luck with your research and enjoy the summer.

[BabySteps]

I'm glad to hear that you talked and you have some sort of plan for now. I think it is a good idea to take some time to do some research.
Good luck to you!!

[Anastasia]

Stephanie -

I am so glad to hear that you are your DH have been able to talk a lot of this out. It is really hard when one person is ready to move forward, and the other isn't quite there. I know that my DH just started feeling like he was ready to be a parent, whether it be bio or adopted in the last year or two. He is 35, your dh is 26, unforunately sometimes men take a little longer to be prepared for something like this.

Best of luck to you.