Hi,
I'm interested in finding out others experiences and opinions about my situation. I am 35 years old and first thought about adoption 8 years ago because adoption seemed like the right thing to do. My husband and I starting trying to get pregnant 2 years ago, and shortly after we started, a 13 year old asked me to adopt her. I was a special ed subsitute teacher working that day in a treatment facility. I had my doubts about this child! My husband was all for it from day one, but I wasn't sure with having a new baby. A year later, I decided I was up to the challenge, and started the home study process (which is where we are now). We have learned that this child isn't a good match for us, so we are pursuing an 11 year old girl that will match us better. We feel up to the challenge, and have been going to classes and reading a lot. We expect our relationship with her to be completely different then the one we have with my husbands daughters (7 and 9). So we are in the homestudy process (almost over).

We had not given up on a birth child. A month ago, I had a laparoscopy and found that I would need IVF to get pregnant. Of course this was devistating, but I've decided to try. I start in March. I look forward to being a mom to this 11 year old, and maybe to my own too. I really feel that these are two independent decisions for me. That the adoption is totally irrelevant to my infertility, and I have no interconnecting feelings at this time. I would like to have my own baby, but it's being a mom that is more important to me.

Today my adoption worker insists that I seek counseling for infertility, because she just "knows" that I have unresolved issues that she insist I get help for! It's funny how others just know you better then yourself! I am not opposed to seeking counseling when I am bothered by my infertility, but I'm not right now (who knows, maybe I will when IVF doesn't work).

In the mean time, this all makes no sense to me. What issues am I supposed to have? Has anyone else tried to do both at the same time? If so, are they independent decisions for you? What emotional issues are involved, since I have absolutely no clue at this point.

Thanks!

There are a lot of agencies out there who feel like you should pursue pregnancy or adoption but not both. They feel that an adoption plan is second choice to the birth of your own biological child and in most cases that is somewhat accurate. Most people do not think of adoption until infertility possibilities come into view.


I think the worker wants you to deal with the fact you may never have biological children and that adopting a child is not a substitute and an older child is different then adopting an infant cause their our lots of issues involved with the child.

Unfortunately, to adopt you have to play by the agencies rules and if they want you to see a therapist then you will have to inorder to adopt this child. So, you see a therapist and talk some and she signs off on you or she helps you deal with issues you have not thought of. Either way it can't hurt.

Good luck,

Angel

What Angel said is very accurate I will also add that the worker wants to make sure that this child will be thought of as your own child. That bonding will not be hindered by that whole issue. The other issue is the stress that infertility and treatments can add as well as the grief process. I didn't realise I was experiencing grief until it was brought up in pride class. Once it was said I realized that was exactly it as did DH. They are just wanting to insure you are up to meeting the childs needs and doing the best for her.

I guess I have not made it very clear to either my adoption worker or through this note, that I am confident I am not having issues. And I'd really like to be given some credit for knowing myself. My therapy session is supposed to be about me, and if i don't have a current issue, then I should be able to wait until I have one. Afterall, I am willing to seek help, it benefits me!

Why is it so hard to conceptualize that there may be a minority of women who does not define themselves in large part by her ability to reproduce? We actually do exist! It's very easy for me to see the whole picture, the big picture, and giving birth does not define who I am (and I don't get upset when my friends get pregnant or when I see a child).

My best friend through child hood was adopted, bu I never thought about him as adopted, it didn't make him any less than he already was! I grew up with 6 aunts and uncles, 3 of them adopted children and did foster care. I grew up with this as normal, with no significant issues of them being anything but a full member of the family. I had every intention of adopting AND having my own from the get go. I wanted to adopt long before I was willing to put my body and self through child birth process! And truthfully, I'd like to wait a few more years (but I'm already 35, hence the immediacy of IVF). I simply haven't been moved to have the birthing process like many women do. Why is it difficult to that large majority of women to conceptualize that someone could just love to mother, wants to build her life as one, is good at it, and yet, doesn't have that need to actually give birth? As wonderful as the birthing process probably is, it's over in 9 months, and only a memory. The relationship is between another human being and you, one that looks up to you, that you create a bond with, one that you are there for, one that you have an unconditional love for, and that is the part that lasts a life time. Why must that I can not possibly have that wisdon already? And why must i be so distraught about infertility that I must need counseling? Yes, the laparoscopy was upsetting, and I spent several weeks afterward discovering the ins and outs of being infertile, and determining that it would be nice, but that simply wasn't my goal. I've accepted my diagnosis and it's consequences, just like i have no choice but to accept it if IVF doesn't work. I'd much rather spend time enjoying what I have instead of dwelling on what can not change. I at least then gave it a try, and, If i don't get pregnant, then eventually, we will may look into adopt again, and in that case, go with a younger child.

I do expect that I will be emotionally tired if IVF doesn't work. I imagine then would probably be a better time to discuss probable issues. When I get there, I'm confident that I will be satisfied with my effort and will be ready to submit and get on with the wonderful life that I already have. I've traveled the world, recieved 3 degrees and several awards, am confident and love my values and self. I've found a wonderful husband that I've known for 8 years, and love my life the way it is, I love my 2 young step daughters (who call me mom at their own desire), and love the plentiful challenges they bring to my life. I love playing monopoly with them every friday night, and being needed by them. I love to see them explore the world with their child like view, and I love guiding them to be good citizens and christians.

I simply do not want to pay for a counseling session that I don't personally feel necessary at this time. I actually know myself better then the adoption worker does. I am at a crux as to how I will deal with her request. I would go if the state would pay for it (since the adoption is going through Dept. of Human Services), but I am reluctant to pay for a situation because of someone else's negligence (lack of respect, and closed-mindedness after passing judgement). The problem with passing judgements is that no one fits a mold 100%, and those that decide to pass judgement should be open minded enough to evaluate additonal data (the obvious researcher in me). The problem with a lack of respect is that some one is treated incorrectly.

The decision I have ahead of me is how to handle this. A crystal ball would be nice! I am interested in changing workers, but don't want to jeporidize anything in this process...

Hi Whetnam,


I have been trying to figure out how to respond in a way that would be helpful for you.

Chances are if you try to change workers they will want to know why and you may have to go into further discussion about fertility treatments and adoption.

I don't know whether you have issues about infertility or not. I do know that the worker will not sign off on you until she thinks you have delved into infertility and feelings about it.

It comes down to whether or not you are willing to undergo the therapy inorder to adopt. As the worker, she gets the say in it, unfortunately, and you may not agree with it but if she does not approve you then you will have to find another agency who will and most will want you to have had some sort of therapy about infertility or to not actively be trying to get pregnant.

I am not saying it is right or fair I am just saying how it is...

Good luck,

Angel

I understand where you are coming from. I myself feel very much the same but I have to admit treatment did take a lot of me. I realized I didn't want a baby. I just wanted to be a mom of at least a toddler if not a little older. But it is a bit different than what you are talking about anyway be beause you have not gone through the treatment yet. As I said previously they are really just concerned about the stress of going through both processes at the same time because they are both extremely stressful and frustrating, secondly they want to make sure you will be ready to take on the issues of this child 100%. I'll be honest many agencies will tell you that they will not except you at all if you are still going through treatment. In fact I have heard of people not telling the worker at all that they were pursuing it just because of that. At least all she is asking is for you to see the councelor.

My husband had to go get an alcohol and drug evaluation because our worker thought he May have issues around that. We had to pay $100 and it seemed unreasonable to me. He had never had a DUI or anything else. We just did it and moved along with the process. Fighting it can take more time and energy than going with the process and keeping the end in mind. Something good might actually come out of the visit, you never know. A big part of adoption is the ability to be flexible, patient and persistent. Good Luck.

I guess this information was a little more helpful. From the first time I talked to my adoption worker, I didn't like her dictatorship style. Several situations have occured in several months for me to believe that she can not represent us properly, and that is why I would really like to change workers. I have yet to see the Home Study, but get the feeling that I may disagree with it's representation of us as a family. I have the feeling it will be an uphill battle to adjust it, and I have the feeling that this worker will push a certain child on us that SHE feels is best, one in which my husband and I disagree with. She clearly is using generalities to pass judgement and once her decision is made, she doesn't appear to change it at all. I don't want to have a worker that may sabatoge what we feel is right because of her generalities.

And really, we have no problem seeking counseling, and would pay for it if we felt we would benefit from it, but fundamentally disagree with a third party recommending it based on which X's be marked on a form (which essentially is what this is). I do not like the fact that I am required to pay for something that I feel would be better suited for a different time (I.E. counseling starting in May after I have finished IVF and am not pregnant, and before this child would move into our home. Another issue I have is that she has requested us to go to her recommended therapist, us to pay for it (instead of her state agency), and us to sign a release so she can talk to the councelor about us (yet she is hardly an expert in the field). I believe she has misinterpreting who my husband and I are, and I simply can not agree to sign a blanket release with her counselor choice (It feels as if we are giving a drunken driver keys to drive our car!) My husband and I have seen a counselor in the past to work through the complications of him having a previous wife, and this adoption worker wants a blanket release for her to talk to this counselor to. If I felt that she was open minded enough, and didn't jump to conclusions so fast, I would be more willing to open these records, because truthfully I don't have a lot to hide, and they would just indicate what she has already read. I just don't trust her with representing us, and feel I have valid reasons based on what has already happened.

I can tolerate her until we have a home study, but I keep reading that one should have an adotion worker they can work with, that they are a primary source of information. I am already to the point of not wanting to talk to her at all.

Now I would have my issues with her insisting you see her councelor and wanting a blanket release to both councelors. I would either talk to the supervisor or I would look for a new agency. Some of them do think they have the power. True enough they do in many cases, but they don't have to be rude. I would say it is better to start over again vs. having a bad homestudy. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks.

Yes, I have a big problem with a blanket release on her prefered counselor, and especially when they aren't paying for it. In any other case, I wouldn't tolerate it, but this adoption stuff is new territory for me. I'm also trying to ascertain from her if she will turn down the home study if we decide to wait on this counseling (I really beleive that I will benefit more from infertility counseling during IVF or after it doesn't work).

In addition, If I am supposed to benefit from this, then I should be deciding who I want to go see. So, you're advice about talking to her supervisor sounds like one avenue that we could take. We may actually decide to talk to the supervisor about the recommended counseling anyway, because of a related concern my husband has. In his line of work, her request has dire consequences. As a pilot, if he seeks personal thearpy, he is required to report it to the FAA, which could end up ending his career. And a blanket release is inviting a needless investigation: all because some woman with possibly no education, who's closed minded, and no true familiarity with him, read that his first wife left him 8 years ago and thinks there must be some residual issues.

So we will see how this all turns out. I would really prefer to adopt from within our system rather then internationally, but her requirements will be the determining factor.

Always open to other ideas regarding my situation....
thanks

I totally understand where you are coming from. We paid a lot of money for our homestudy, and see the light at the end of the tunnel, so we are sticking with it. If time and money were not a factor for us, then we would probably be more assertive as well. Most people I know who have gone through this process find it invasive and demeaning. No wonder more people don't adopt.

I totally agree - it can be so frustrating when people try to tell you how you should feel. I went through 2 years of infertilty treatments and then nothing for 6 months, at which time we did one last IVF attempt before starting adoption process, just to exhaust our insurance coverage basically but we pretty much knew it wouldn't work (we ended up getting cancelled just like the last 2 since I have POF.) Anyway, one of the agencies I talked to said I had to wait 6 months after last IF treatment to start with them. Like that was the magic amount of time to heal or something? I tried to explain that we had resolved our IF issues, but she was insistent that we had to wait b/c "I could get PG and then they'd have to drop me from their program".

Well, we did find an agency that doesn't make us wait, but all of them wanted us to be done with treatments before adopting. From going through 3 IVF attempts (shots 3 times/day and doc. visits every other day), I can understand how it would be difficult to concentrate on that and adoption at the same time. Plus, the meds can really make you crazy! LIke the worse PMS ever :-)