[mitty]

Also, we had looked into adoption as a "first choice" and were told it was pretty much a waste of time for us-- our homestudy would likely never be approved due to my husband's health condition. (I won't go into details but I'll say although I think that is ridiculous, the practical side of me can at least see a thread of logic there.) So it was DS or childfree. Although we are still somewhat early in the process and childfree is still an option, we don't feel God has asked us to close the door on DS. Honestly, our biggest concern is that we might lead someone astray if they think using infertility treatments is "sinful." And when it comes to DS, I think this is a bigger group than infertility in general. Has anyone else struggled with this?

I also have had people talking about infertility treatment as a lack of faith-- in God's grace, in miracles, etc. I have to admit, sometimes it feels like that to me, too. In fact, I've sometimes found this so widespread that it is hard to find other Christian women to talk about it with.

[anilorak13ska]

mitty, thanks for the clarification. In that case, I think women who use donor eggs at least still get to experience pregnancy and childbirth, whereas men who choose donor sperm don't have that extra connection to the child. I know one poster expressed it this way - for his wife to conceive using another man's sperm would be like his wife having a child with another man. Whereas if the tables were turned, a woman using another woman's eggs doesn't have that same threat to the man's ego. I think also for the woman who had wanted a child with a specific man - using DS may bring that into question, whereas using DE she still experiences the pregnancy.

I know I wanted to adopt a Hispanic or multiracial child for a similar reason. DH is Latino, and we have a biracial niece (AA/Latina), so I wanted my child to remind me of my DH that way. (I'm Caucasian). As it turns out, we're adopting a CC relative, and at first I had to grieve the idea of a "mini-DH", even though I never went through that on the bio side (loss of idea of bio child).

Also, Mitty - have you considered embryo adoption/donation? Certainly the success rate is not as good as iui/ds, but it eliminates some of the ethical concerns of using DS.

[mitty]

We had/are still considering donor embryos but have been at least cautioned that we may run into similar issues to what we have with adoption (although these could probably be gotten around.) The big factor for us is cost.

My DH is really comfortable w/ds as long as he chooses the donor, as he personally feels like it will "feel the same" to him. I don't think I would even consider it if he felt otherwise, and at least for us, I'm the one hesitating. He's had the advantage of about 20 years knowing he can't have genetic children so that might be part of it.

[mitty]

I understand the mourning though about not having a "mini-DH." Sometimes he'll do something that is uniquely him, and I'll think, even if the child "looks like" him, will be raised by him, how many of those little things just won't be there? I want to have a child, sure. But I really want my DH's child. And I know that any child that comes into our life, however God chooses to place it there, will be "our" child in every way. But that doesn't make the loss any less real.

[anilorak13ska]

mitty - there was a thread on here that ended in November by Bostonyankee, azoo guy struggling with the decision to use ds. His DW insisted on it, and slowly he came around to it, but grudgingly, and now there are further issues of full disclosure to the child (which I think is the child's right, but he disagrees). Your situation is what I'd have wished for Bostonyankee - that you are on board with ds if and only if HE is.

I can't imagine my DH insisting that we use donor eggs or a surrogate just so he can pass his genes along, if it made me feel uncomfortable in any way. I question this poor guy's marriage, and can only hope for the best for him and his DW.

[Shez]

My husband and I were told by a specialist last year we had no chance. Only option was donor. He didn't even talk about ivf (my dh has 0 sperm). We were devasted. I said at the time why god? Is it not too much to ask, for a baby. Both my husband and I were not at this time close with god. Now 8 months later we have started to attend a church and truly believe 'this' happened for a reason. I already feel so much closer to god and am asking him to show us the way. Since we first got diagnosis HE has opened so many doors. We are now seeing the top ivf professor in aust!! Praise the lord. They have told us my dh can have open surgery to try and see if they can find sperm. We are praying This happens!
I have only just come to come to terms with using these medical interventions. I thought god was trying to tell us something, that we weren't meant to have children. But I now know this is just a small hurdle and is testing our faith!eGe knows the desires of our hearts. God has shown us this path and given us these people, who he created, to help us. Recently we too spoke to our pastor. He said it's like being diagnosed with depression, god wouldn't want us not to take our meds. Our pastor prayed for us and he saw a baby! We are holding tight to our faith. Our god is a mighty god and can perform miracles, even when all the doctors say no!
It's been a very tough journey until now but my husband and I are very supportive to each other and becoming closer through this experience.

[mitty]

Shez, any updates? You're in my prayers!

[Shez]

Hi
Thanks for your message. As will see from my signature we have been through an IVF cycle and my husband had mTESE surgery - nothing was found. We were both devasted and still trying to come to terms with the news and our next step. Much more prayer needed! I'm also trying to find some good literature to read. I saw the title of one Empty womb, aching heart. That is exactly how I feel - my heart longs and aches for child...

Where are you currently at in this journey? It's such a roller coaster

Originally Posted by mitty

Shez, any updates? You're in my prayers!

[mitty]

We're kind of at a point where we may just be childfree. We're praying pretty intensely about it right now. Whenever we get close starting treatments something seems to come up that makes it put it off and we're wondering if we just aren't listening to a "no."

[MelissaHoete]

Hi Everyone! I am new to this Forum, but I am so glad I stumbled across it on the net. Anybody out there got any advice for me, I am really searching for some answers or direction in my life.
Myself and my husband have been trying to conceive for the past 10years.
I have a septate uterus, and I've had the operation to remove the wall of flesh that was dividing my womb. I have now been through 3 IVF treatments. Got pregnant twice but miscarried both times at 8 weeks.
The situation I am now in is, I have 1 embryo left. I am so over the emotional rollercoaster of treatment, the dissappointment, the failures, getting my hopes up and getting my faith so strong, then only to end in miscarriage.We are not in the position to pay for a 4th cycle, nor do I want to put myself through all of that again.
Do I use the last embryo and put back in my womb, and have the risk of miscarriage again, or do I get a surrogate? It feels like my last chance. I so desperately want to carry my own child, and get upset on the thought of someone else carrying my child, and them possibly becoming emotionally attached to my child, but maybe it is the only way for me. Any thoughts would be great right now.Thanks

[MyFaithIsInGod]

Originally Posted by Shez

Hi
Thanks for your message. As will see from my signature we have been through an IVF cycle and my husband had mTESE surgery - nothing was found. We were both devasted and still trying to come to terms with the news and our next step. Much more prayer needed! I'm also trying to find some good literature to read. I saw the title of one Empty womb, aching heart. That is exactly how I feel - my heart longs and aches for child...

Where are you currently at in this journey? It's such a roller coaster

Hi Shez. I'm the same boat as you with the same situation with my husband, he has no sperm. We haven't had the biopsy surgery yet, I'm almost afraid to do it only to find out they still won't find anything. We are new to the journey, but I just finished a great book I want to recommend to you. It's called "Supernatural Childbirth" by Jackie Mize. It's mostly about giving birth without pain, but there is also a lot of great stuff about believing God for conception. The author was told before she got married that she wouldn't be able to have kids, and through the faith of her and her husband, they went on to concieve and have 4 kids. It has a great prayer at the end of the book too that my husband and I have been reading outloud everyday. We're keeping the faith, and I hope it helps you and your husband too!

[anilorak13ska]

Melissa - you asked for thoughts, so here's mine, take it for what it's worth. Not sure how you feel about the embies themselves, but to me, if you think that transferring to yourself might increase likelihood of miscarriage, then you're looking at risking that embie's life. But if you think a surrogate womb can give that embie a chance at life, then do it. Sometimes we can't have both - a bio child and the pregnancy/birth experience. I'm on the other end - we're about to do a donor embryo cycle, so we won't have the bio link but hopefully the pregnancy. We can't all have it all, kwim? Best of luck in your decision!

[Shez]

Hi thanks for your message. I will try to find that book - can you find it online? Another good book is called Hannah's Hope. If provides a Christian perspective on infertility.

The diagnosis we received on my hubby was devasting - but I'm so glad we went ahead with his micro TESE surgery. We were able to then close that door knowing we tried everything humanly possible to use his DNA. It's taken us nearly 6 months to move forward - but we have now decided to progress using donor sperm and I'm getting excited about making it happen. We will still continue to believe for a miracle, but find comfort in knowing that god has a plan for us all - whatever that will be.

Originally Posted by MyFaithIsInGod

Hi Shez. I'm the same boat as you with the same situation with my husband, he has no sperm. We haven't had the biopsy surgery yet, I'm almost afraid to do it only to find out they still won't find anything. We are new to the journey, but I just finished a great book I want to recommend to you. It's called "Supernatural Childbirth" by Jackie Mize. It's mostly about giving birth without pain, but there is also a lot of great stuff about believing God for conception. The author was told before she got married that she wouldn't be able to have kids, and through the faith of her and her husband, they went on to concieve and have 4 kids. It has a great prayer at the end of the book too that my husband and I have been reading outloud everyday. We're keeping the faith, and I hope it helps you and your husband too!

[mitty]

Hi Shez, Melissa, MyFaith, Anilorak,

Hope all is going well! I just want to give you all to help with the people that show you more judgement than true faith, guidance, and Christian love through this difficult journey.

[Shez]

Hi Mitty
Thanks for your group hug! I think it's great if we can keep this post going. How are you going?

I haven't been on here for a while. Needed to take some time out and decide what I really wanted. It's been 5 months since we were give my husbands tesa diagnosis and I've been struggling with our infertility ever since. I've now had time to reflect and pray about our situation and god has spoken to me and given me peace to travel the next road. We have decided to persue donor sperm. I feel excited at the possibilities and our next chapter!!

Originally Posted by mitty

Hi Shez, Melissa, MyFaith, Anilorak,

Hope all is going well! I just want to give you all to help with the people that show you more judgement than true faith, guidance, and Christian love through this difficult journey.