[waitingandpraying]

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 15 months. I had surgery to remove endometriosis and have started taking Clomid without success yet. All of our lab work is otherwise normal.
About a month ago, I found out my sister is pregnant. She and her husband decided to get off of the pill, but they wouldn't "try" to start a family yet, but they would be "okay" if it happened. She became pregnant on the very cycle she started after she stopped birth control pills. She never even had a period or had the chance (or need) to track her cycle and determine when she ovulates. When she told me, I cried, but I told her I was happy for her. My sister and I have always been close and I know that she feels sorry for my situation. I hate to say this, but I feel she doesn't deserve to be pregnant because she didn't do any of the work. I know it doesn't make logical sense, but that is just how I feel.
I know it has only been a month, but I thought it would get easier and so far it hasn't. My other sister has 2 children and I love spending time with them and I know I will love and adore my sister's baby once she/he is born. Anytime I am with my newly pregnant sister everything is fine, but I cannot talk to her about her pregnancy. I feel bad about this because I know she is very excited and wants to share stuff with me. I also want to be able to do baby preparation stuff with her but I physically feel nauseated if I am in the room and she is talking about the pregnancy. I have not been able to tell anyone I am going to be an Aunt again, because I feel like I would be faking my excitement. Honestly, I don't think I would even be able to fake excitement, I would probably not be able to hold the tears back.
My family is disappointed that I am not able to get over it and share the joy with my sister because she "has always been a good sister to me." I am sure I will be expected to help throw her a baby shower and at this point, I don't know how I could even attend. I wish I could be excited for her, but between the fighting back tears and the feelings of nausea, I feel the only way I can cope with it is to avoid it.
I feel that my family feels I am being selfish. I am frustrated with my family because they give advise to me to not focus on it so much and at the same time they tell me to cut back on my activities so I am home more. I feel I can't win and they think it is my lifestyle that is preventing me from getting pregnant.
I do feel guilty for my negative feeling I have toward my sisters pregnancy. How can I expect people to be excited for me when/if I get pregnant when I can't be excited for my sister? I have had friends who have gotten pregnant after IF and I am excited for them. I think because their stories give me hope and hearing my sister's story make me feel hopeless. It make me feel like getting pregnant should not be this difficult and make me feel like I have a bigger problem than I thought. Also, I know because my sister and I are very close, I will have a front row seat for the entire pregnancy.
I am tired of my family thinking I am being a bad sister because I have withdrawn a bit. My dad is the only person who asked me how I was doing with my sister's pregnancy. I feel like my whole family is talking about me behind my back. I feel like I not only have to deal with our IF issues, be excited for my sister, and also be the one who educates the whole family on how to be sensitive/supportive of our situation. I wish they would take some initiative to educate themselves about IF.
That feels good to get that off my chest.

[StillWaiting410]

I don’t think you are being selfish at all. You are happy for your sister, but you have to be reserved.
I too wish my family would educate themselves. They also think I am selfish sometimes. But, I need to look out for me. They don't understand how emotional it all is.. they focus on the medical aspect of it all.

My experience ....

My best friend (who happens to be my SIL - husband's sister) never wanted children. She was adamant that it was not the path for her. She is single and loves the single lifestyle.
She called a 'family meeting' and announced that she was adopting a baby boy! She's telling me this in front of a room full of people?!? I could hardly stand to be in the same room as her! She announced that the baby would be born in a month. A month!!! (I almost wished she would have announced that she was pregnant... it would have given me more than a month to get used to the idea) She knew about this months ago.. but she waited until now to tell us.
She was given this opportunity through a friend of a friend.
This family meeting was prior to a birthday party that we all were attending and she decided it would be great to make the announcement there as well. I thought... OMG I really have to sit through all this?!?! My husband asked if I wanted to go home, but I thought I had to tough it out. Had I known then what I know now... I would/should have gone home.

Then... I was asked to plan her baby shower with my other SIL! My DH said I should. I don't think he understood the emotional aspect of it all. He was just thinking, 'but that's my sister'. I was in between cycles at that point (thank God... bring on the vodka!). I cried all the way home. She just couldn't understand why I was the only immediate family member who didn't go back to her house to parade through the gifts again.
The first week he was born, she asked me to babysit.... I’m excited for her.. but they really just don't get how hard it is.

Now, he's 3 months old. Cute as can be. I don't mind being around him.. it's her that still drives me crazy...I still have a hard time around her.

Latest news.... she wants his baptism the same weekend I'm going out of town with my cousin (the one person who understand IF). She asked me to cancel my weekend because 'this is more important'.
I amended my plans... for her son's sake, not hers. But I'm still disappointed in her for this.
My DH sometimes thinks I'm being unreasonable. I fear I'm withdrawing from him sometimes too. But some of it may just be the hormones :-)
Her reaction to anything IF now.. is 'you should just adopt'. ARGGG!!!
(which we may consider, we're just not there yet)
I get it that most people don't understand. You just hit that wall sometimes, where it bugs you some days more than others.

Wow... Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me vent!!

You and your sister will work it out. I know it's tough.
You are not alone.
Greatest luck to you on your IF journey!

[bistro]

Oh boy . . . this is the third time I'm trying to write this, so TAKE THREE. Here is the simple version.

Your story sounds like me and my BFF, who is like a sister to me. She is very far along - due in Oct - and it gets no easier for me. She wasn't even trying for Pete's sake!! And her DH only wants kids because she does!! So not fair.

In my head, I am so happy for her. But I'm not a fake person, so I can't fake being happy with my heart. And I feel really bad that I cannot be excited. But it's just so HARD.

You are NOT alone. None of us are. This all sucks so bad and I thank god I found these boards so that I can talk to people who understand me. Hang in there.

[waitingandpraying]

My non pregnant sister, in her attempt to be supportive, asked "have you thought about adoption? The smart a$$ in me wanted to say "Adoption, no I didn't think of that, thanks - no more pain now!!!" But I didn't.
Hang in there!

[hopetobemum]

Oh.. i totally understand your feeling...

When my brother's wife tell me she is pregnant.. when my cousin tell me she is pregnant... when some of fren tell me they r pregnant and when my brother's gf abort a baby... i feel worry, scare, jealous, sad, couln't sleep, couldn't eat... but i have to pretend nothing infront of them... on everyone brain is "she must be very jealous of other pregnancy" i admit! i'm jealous.. They r not wearing our shoe walking our way... how they understand our feeling? I feel i'm a bit crazy and bad heart people.. but i know everyone have IF problem will have feeling like me..'right now i'm very scare to hear people pregnant... Oh god!

I tell myself... my time not arrived yet.. god will arrange for me.. i know.. i have been tru all this IF problem and work very very hard for this.. just one baby... my family don't allow me to do IVF again... they wan me to adopt one.. but i really wan my own baby...

I give up! I'm not going to see RE again.. I want to rest my body rest my mind... fate fate fate..

I just wan to tell u that we understand and have same feeling.. don worry, you have us.... baby dust for u...

[JessStillWaits]

I am so sorry for everyone and our struggle, and how hard it can be to listen to what other people say about our infertility struggles:

- Why don't you just try and not be stressed?
- Why don't you go on a trip?
- Why don't you adopt?
- Why don't you BLAH BLAH

I know they don't know what to say. But, what I am trying to adjust to here is I have a medical issue. You wouldn't say to a person with a disease- "why don't you just ___." Plus, I feel that with babies and having babies, people always feel like they are some kind of expert and intrude into your personal business, but never in the right way.

Infertility is just so stressful on so many areas of your life. First, there is the frustration at your body not working. Then there is the frustration of waiting. Waiting to be seen at the doctor, waiting to ovulate, the two weeks waiting, AF happening and waiting to start again, etc etc. Then there is the frustration of not being able to do what biologically we are preprogrammed to do. Sex becomes more frustration than fun. The list goes on and on and on. But the weirdest part is I can deal with all of that... almost, but the thing I feel like I can't deal with is other people's pregnancies.

It's so hard! And I almost feel bad for them for having to be around us. It's not that I am not happy for them, but it just sucks. And it doesn't help when people are blatantly just disregarding of your feelings.

Jealousy is not somewhere where I want to be right now. I know I have so many other positives in my life, but guess what? It's not enough. And I am jealous and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

I really feel like I could deal with this whole infertility thing if I lived in a bubble. If I didn't have to be exposed to other people and their reactions. I really feel like it would be easier. I mean it would be bad, but for some reason other people just push me over the edge.

So anyways, sorry for the rant. I know 9 pregnant people right now and a lot of people who make a lot of crappy comments. At one point I copied a thing from the Resolve Website and shared with them how stressful this reall is for me. Some of them got it, and some of them didn't.

It's nice to know I am not the only one who gets negative sometimes. It's so hard when it's so easy for others.

[harpjs]

waitingandpraying- I can totally relate also. My sister got pg a few months after DH and I started ttc. She isn't married, has a loser for a boyfriend (who never wanted kids!) and doesn't have a job. Then a few months after that, my 19 year old cousin (obviously unmarried and NOT ttc) got pg also. I have tried my hardest to find happiness for both of them but I just can't do it. I love my niece (yes, she is almost 3 months old now!) but can't stand to be around my sister. All she did was complain about all the pg symptoms and now all she does it complain about not getting any sleep and always having to be around the baby cause she is breastfeeding. Absolutley nobody in the family gets it. They think we should all support her b/c 'it is hard for her'! Screw her, I say. I gave her a years worth of BCP b/c I wasn't going to need them (it turns out I never needed them!) and she still ended up pg! She has always been the type of person that craves attention and I am almost the opposite. But since I have been dealing with IF issues, I have had to constantly speak up and remind others of what I am going through b/c I don't want to hear about others being pg. My sister's baby shower was the hardest one I had ever been to but also the quickest. I kept pushing presents in front of her and saying here open this one, here open this one and never let her have a break. People commented on how fast and 'efficient' it went when it was over. I just wanted out of there! My cousin's wife had a baby the day I had my embryoscopy (partial d & c) and I still haven't congratulated her and it was 3 weeks yesterday. I could go on and on about all the preggos I have been around lately but it would just be a pitty party for me and boring for all the readers. Just know that you are not alone and remember to not do anything that causes you pain. It just isn't worth it!

[ginger]

My husband and I have been ttc #2 for well over a year and a half. My sister in law is pregnant. She knows what I am going through (only b/c she asked me-ONCE), but she has been anything but sensitive or understanding about the situation. She constantly complains about her pregnancy to me(can't sleep, shave legs, paint toenails, etc.) Does she honestly think I am going to feel bad or have compassion for her? I have been keeping my distance from her b/c I can't stand being around her. My mother in law doesn't understand (although she also knows what we are going through) why I can't be happy for her. Afterall, I already have a child and this is my sister in law's first. She is planning a baby shower that will be taking place in a few weeks. Can't hardly wait for that. I have been at too many family functions already and have left b/c people make comments, intentional or not that are VERY hurtful. Such as, now (my son) will finally have someone to play with. I know it sounds stupid, but that really makes me mad to hear that. I've been trying to give my son a brother/sister, thank you very much!
Moral of the story, I'm glad I'm not alone in the way I feel.

[redoak]

Some days I think I'm loosing my mind and that I'm a very unstable person. I wonder why I can't move on past the infertility and "get over it". It's a nice sanity check to know that I'm not alone. althought I wouldn't wish this crappy problem on anyone.

I think most people want the best for others in their lives. I sit right across from the pregnant lady at work. It's really hard to listen to all the people stopping by and asking her how's she doing.

I avoid all the conversations as much as possible just for my own mental health. I don't ask her any questions about t he baby or pregnancy. I'm sure it seems cold-hearted. However, infertility is the silent issue. It's more harmful for me to be a part of those conversations than it's helpful for her to have me involved. she has tons of people wishing her congratulations.

However, people with infertility usually don't have many people supporting them. No one talks about it. If you haven't been through it, almost no one gets it.

My insurance covers therapy at least:-) Even though it won't cover fixing my actual problem.

[ginger]

I agree...people who haven't been through it, don't get it. I am currently on my 2nd round of clomid. I had reservations about the drug initially b/c of the risk of multiples. I went through a period of time, where I was completely stubborn about treatment. However, I have come to the realization that I need help. I too have been pretty private about the issue. It's not something that I want to broadcast, but people don't think before they speak. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "So, when you gonna have another baby?-It's about time. What are you waiting for?" I've opened up to some people about what we've been going through in hopes to eliminate the stupid comments.

I agree--it's hard being around pregnant people! Especially my sister in law. She definitely plays the "pregnant card" too! You would think she was handicapped.

Oh well, sharing and venting on the site makes me feel better.

I'm in the 2ww...can't test till Friday. Trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm really anxious. I just want to know, either way!

[marzena]

Dear JessStillWaits, When I was reading your post I kept saying to myself that, that is exactly how I feel! I could have written this post myself! I wish everyone would just shut up and stop giving me ridiculous advice. I think everyday that I could somehow deal with this if I didn't have all the pregnant people everywhere and all the other people giving me advice. Almost all my friends are pregnant or just had their babies. It's so heartbreaking and frustrating. It does suck big time and I am very much jealous. But even my mom says that I shouldn't be jealous or I shouldn't say it's not fair, she never had this issue and she is not understanding what I am going through. I feel like even my DH doesn't get it sometimes, he said to me one day that I shouldn't be jealous of a friend that just had a baby. That really hurt my feelings because he is the one who is in this with me and of all the people he should be the one to get it. Well, anyway thanks for listening.

[Linethlabella]

Well, what can I say?? I felt the same way when my older and sister got pregnant. I had that feeling of "Why her and not me?" I sometimes had a hard time looking at her belly, and she was too excited about the baby's room and stuff, and I would be hurting so bad in the inside, but I decided to just keep it to myself and not ruin her moment. I now adore my nieces to death they are everything to me, but still when I see a pregnant woman or I know someone in the family who is pregnant I get sad. So don't feel that you are selfish or you are bad sister because it is normal to feel sad. I just have a question though? How come people who abuse drugs, alcohol, beat up their children, even kill them sometimes are able to have kids, and us that would do anything to have a child can't?????? I don't get that, and sometimes that makes me so mad!!