[RobynRN]

My husband and I have been TTC for 18 months. We recently started visiting the RE and he said that we needed IUI or IVF. We had IUI on Friday and are on the schedule for IVF in January in case it doesn't work.

Of course, since ya'll are on this website, you know that that in itself is really difficult to take.

Well, last night I went to visit my best friend and she said she had something she needed to tell me. She has been "in the loop" for all my fertility issues and knows how much it upsets me. She told me that she was 4 months pregnant. She hasn't told anyone because she was afraid it would get back to me and she knew how much it would hurt me. It was an accident (sort of, she had some difficulty conceiving her first two, so just didn't think she would need to take birth control, she always knew she wanted more than the two she has). She said she hasn't even been able to get excited about this baby because she knew how much it would hurt me.

I started shaking and sobbing and then threw up. I absolutely hated her seeing my reaction, because I knew it hurt her to see how much she was hurting me. She kept saying "I know you hate me". I tried to explain I don't hate her and eventually said "Ok, the best way to put it is 'as much as I hate you right now, I don't hate you'".

Its not even that I hate her or that I'm mad at her. The pain is directed inwardly more than outward. I hate that it is so hard for me. What is so wrong with ME that I can't get pregnant, but yet she gets three??? Why is she so much better that she gets this and I have to work so hard? It's simply not fair. Of course since I have been TTC, everyone gets pregnant but me, but SHE IS DIFFERENT! She gets what she doesn't even want when I want it more than anything and can't have it.

I know that as soon as I get a BFP I will not care one bit, but is just so hard to be happy. I am also worried about my loving her child. Her two boys are my world. I call them my nephews and would do anything for them. I don't want to resent their new sibling and love it less.

I also hate that I have to hurt her back. I wish I could be happy for her. I wish I didn't break down in front of her. As much as she didn't want to hurt me, I DON'T want to hurt HER.

On a side note, MEN ARE STUPID. Her husband has been telling her "just tell her, she won't care she will be happy for you". What an idiot.

I guess this post has two reasons. I wanted to vent but I also want to talk to someone else who has been in the same position and knows how it feels.

Thanks,
Robyn

[HRMS MOM]

Robyn so sorry I know how this can feel as countless people got pregnant and had their babies (or two) in the time it took me and DH to have one. Honestly it is not a reaction you can make go away or change. I remember when my boss told me she was pregnant through and email and than had the nerve to come and talk to me (yes she knew everything I was going through) to tell me she was sorry, which made me start crying right there in the office, I thought I was going to die! I am sorry no one should have to go through IF but I think it is something that makes us stronger. Even thought we cannot help feeling bitter or upset when we find out someone else is pregnant, we should also remember that it is not their fault they are fertile, just like it is not our fault we are not.

I hope you find the peace you want and are able to start feeling happy for your friend. I know it can be difficult to do!!

[EmilyElectra]

Originally Posted by RobynRN

I started shaking and sobbing and then threw up. I absolutely hated her seeing my reaction, because I knew it hurt her to see how much she was hurting me. She kept saying "I know you hate me". I tried to explain I don't hate her and eventually said "Ok, the best way to put it is 'as much as I hate you right now, I don't hate you'".

Its not even that I hate her or that I'm mad at her. The pain is directed inwardly more than outward. I hate that it is so hard for me. What is so wrong with ME that I can't get pregnant, but yet she gets three??? Why is she so much better that she gets this and I have to work so hard? It's simply not fair. Of course since I have been TTC, everyone gets pregnant but me, but SHE IS DIFFERENT! She gets what she doesn't even want when I want it more than anything and can't have it.

I know that as soon as I get a BFP I will not care one bit, but is just so hard to be happy. I am also worried about my loving her child. Her two boys are my world. I call them my nephews and would do anything for them. I don't want to resent their new sibling and love it less.

I also hate that I have to hurt her back. I wish I could be happy for her. I wish I didn't break down in front of her. As much as she didn't want to hurt me, I DON'T want to hurt HER.

On a side note, MEN ARE STUPID. Her husband has been telling her "just tell her, she won't care she will be happy for you". What an idiot.

I guess this post has two reasons. I wanted to vent but I also want to talk to someone else who has been in the same position and knows how it feels.

Thanks,
Robyn

Robyn,
Know that how you feel is totally normal. I always wanted children. Even when I knew it wasn't my time I would get upset about it. Jealous of anyone that got pregnant or was able to have a bunch of kids. What was worse for me was that my husband had a child with someone already. So I went through the - well you had a kid when you wern't ready before...why can't you with me? We're married! Once I actually started trying almost everyone I work with got pregnant - 3 in one year. All of them had told me they didn't want to get pregnant for at least a few more years. Since I was told at work too...I had to keep my feelings to myself. I still cry about it. Nights are the worst. I have found alot of strength reading the success stories on here...and the inspirational quotes. Giving advice seems to be another way to make me feel better - like I am helping someone.

[SFBaygirl]

I completely understand how you feel.

My best friend since Kindergarten recently got pregnant after 2 months of being off of BCPs. Luckily I found out in an email so she couldn't see my face or read my expression. I wrote a great email back and acted very excited for her.

The interesting part is, her DH had cheated on her a while back and knowing his history (he has cheated in every relationship he has ever had), I have low confidence that he won't do it again.

It makes me so frustrated that my wonderful DH and I can't get pregnant without shelling out tens of thousands of dollars (he has 0 sperm count) and she gets preggo in 2 months but in a less than ideal situaiton.

So, you guys here in this thread definately aren't alone in feeling this way and don't feel guilty, it is only natural.