[D&Q'sMommy]

I recently loss a set of twins, on June 8th. I was 21 weeks pregnant. I am obviously still struggling and I will continue to.

My BF's best friend keeps wanting to bring his new daughter over but I won't allow it. I don't want to see their baby, I don't want to see how happy they are. It sucks and I don't want to be happy for them.

Also, my sis-inlaw is pregnant and she is having her shower on the 15th. I am going to attempt to go because I feel like I have to face it eventually. I am scared that I am just going to break down when I am there and ruin it for her.

I also told her I wasn't going to go in to the baby section and buy her anything, she just gets a gift card. I don't want to be mean, I am just being honest.

Help!

[bistro]

Dear D&Q'smommy-
I am so very sorry for your loss. I imagine your pain must be very profound and I do wish you all the best during this incredibly difficult time. June 8th is very recent - I know you know the numbers and have done the math already, etc. I don't blame you for feeling this way and I don't think anyone that loves you can feel anything but understanding. I don't think you should have to do anything you don't want to right now. You have to give it time.

Time heals. You will never forget, but you WILL get through this. And when you do, you will be ready to face the world and all of these children in it. But you will need to do this on your own time.

Lots of for you. Be strong!!!

[bistro]

PS - in case it wasn't clear . . . don't go to the shower if you don't want to. Really, no one will blame you. There is no reason to force yourself if you feel it will be too difficult. I am sorry if I am stepping over a line by being so strong with this advice, but I really stand by this opinion. People will understand. And if they do not, then screw them. Send a nice gift instead with a heartfelt message that you can write in the privacy of your own home!

Good luck!

[D&Q'sMommy]

No need to apologize. I am a very honest person and I know at times I feel as is I was coming on too strong. No worries, I appreciate the honesty you gave me. You are so very correct.

I have a step sister who lost her child somewhere between 12-15 weeks. There wasn't a way to determine when exactly. From the outside it looks like she is fine. She holds our new nephew, plans baby showers, talks about others babies, etc. She has a 2 year old as well. I just can't do that. I don't want to talk to other pregnant women, see them, see babies, go to birthday parties or anything that celebrates new life. Sometimes I look at her and wonder if she really is ok or she just fakes it. That is so horrible to say!

[bistro]

I have never experienced such a loss, but I know 2 people who have lost pregnancies at about 20-25 weeks (both first pregnancies, one with twins) and I saw what they went through and it was much more difficult for them than it was for people I know that had losses in the first trimester (especially those who had other kids). I know that anyone who had an early loss who might be reading this might beg to differ. I do apologize to them if this sounds insensitive. That is not my intention at all. I am just recounting what I have seen from my friends.

Also, EVERYONE is different! What may be easy for one person may be difficult for another. Perhaps your step-sister is faking it, perhaps she doesn't even know she is faking it, or perhaps this is her way to heal. Whatever the case may be, I think you still need to do what's best for you.

Best of luck! Time will heal. Time is good for wounds.

[bunniswife]

Speaking from experience, as someone who has held their six day old son in my arms as he was removed from life support and died, time doesn't heal ALL wounds. It's been almost a year since my son died and I am still deeply grieving his loss. I understand completely what you are going through and although the old adage about time is mostly true, it doesn't completely take away the pain. However it does soften it. As Bistro said, you are still early in your loss. Be kind to yourself. Don't put yourself in situations where you will be revisiting your pain and loss. Alot of people won't understand and will expect you to be over it. It's been almost a year for me and I don't think I'll ever be over it. The loss of a child is monumental, there is no greater pain on earth. My only suggestion is that you do what you need to do for you. Don't worry about pleasing or displeasing anyone else right now, take care of your heart. Sending you hugs

[D&Q'sMommy]

So I didn't go to the shower and now I feel bad. I feel like no one in my family understands, they say they do but who knows. I don't want to completely withdraw from them, their lives, or what they are experiencing but i don't know when i am going to be ready.

[JessStillWaits]

Just came across this thread. I totally respect your decision to skip the baby shower. I would say maybe plan something privately with the mom to be, maybe go out to lunch or something, somewhere where you feel more in control. Maybe it will help to make you feel more involved.

I am sorry for your loss. My losses were in the first trimester, but after years of infertility, they are still bothersome and I still must avoid pregnancy as much as possible. I do feel bad sometimes, but I hope for an end soon.

[lostandconfused]

My sister got her beta results today exactly 1 week from my ER with failed IVF attempt...her number is over 600 at 14dp3dt...i know that means i get to be an aunt again...but i want to be a mom....

[HopeFull5]

I am so sorry for your lost, I wanted to give you some words for encoragement:


"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass, or it could be worse" all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowled...ge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Don't do anything you don't want to do, and take all the time you need to heal!! I hope you are able to feel better soon!

Originally Posted by D&Q'sMommy

I recently loss a set of twins, on June 8th. I was 21 weeks pregnant. I am obviously still struggling and I will continue to.

My BF's best friend keeps wanting to bring his new daughter over but I won't allow it. I don't want to see their baby, I don't want to see how happy they are. It sucks and I don't want to be happy for them.

Also, my sis-inlaw is pregnant and she is having her shower on the 15th. I am going to attempt to go because I feel like I have to face it eventually. I am scared that I am just going to break down when I am there and ruin it for her.

I also told her I wasn't going to go in to the baby section and buy her anything, she just gets a gift card. I don't want to be mean, I am just being honest.

Help!