[themainissue]

The short version of the story is that my friend, fertile myrtle, is pregnant for the third time in a few short years. I always try to be supportive and not overly-sensitive about her pregnancies, but this time she is talking about me coming with her to the hospital when she delivers.

I love her to death but I am not sure I will be able to do that without having a total meltdown. All those babies...her own baby...it's just so unfair. I don't want to miss her child's birth if I'm invited (who wants to be that person?) but I also want to keep it about her and her new baby and not have attention deflected my way.

I guess I'll just have to think about it some more. What are your thoughts?

[jenedens6102]

I can say from experience that this is something to take the time to think through. I have a friend who had two babies in two years. She got pregnant the month she moved to my hometown to be with her fiance (DH's best friend). It was the same day as my first IUI. All my treated cycles that year failed and I was not in a good place. Since she moved from a different state and didn't have many friends and no family in the area other then her fiance's (now her DH) she wanted me there with her. I tried to do my best to be there for her through thick and thin but this conversation took me back. Of course I was honored for the invite but didn't know how I could possibly be there for this birth when it's what I'd been trying for and still wasn't pregnant myself. I was in the room and cried like a baby but it was from joy of the moment. I was in the room with her and walked her through the hospital with the second delivery as well. She had been having a hard time with pre-term labor and they weren't sure they were keeping her this night either so we sent her DH to work. It's a bonding like nothing else in life. While I was hesitant at first I'm so thrilled that I decided to be there for not only her first but second delivery as well.

[themainissue]

Thanks for the encouragement. That really does help.

[jenedens6102]

It's not a decision that can be made quickly, feelings change all too quickly as many of us know all too well. So take the time to really think it through, not only for yourself but your friend and this new baby entering the world.

[mrsjanowski]

Definately take the time to think about this... I had to do the same. My best friend told me about her pregnancy a while ago now (he is 11 mos old now) and I did decide to be in the room with her -although it ended up being a C-section.... Not saying that this is what you should feel, but I felt that at times I was being very selfish and that I shouldn't be, but at the same time I was so hurt that she was with someone for 3 months at the most, got pregnant when it had been 3 yrs since TTC for my husband and I. I did decide to be there because I knew I was going to love her son no matter what and if I were in her shoes, I would want her to be supportive of me as well (since the father had decided to dash), afterall she was very supportive of me and my infertility. Good luck, and whatever you decide is going to be in YOUR best interest!! =)

[Kay]

This is a tough decision. I was at the birth of my nephew a couple of weeks ago. This was an amazing experience and I am so glad I did it. It was very hard however, because I just lost a baby in Sept. My sis said she couldn't have done it with out me. I felt good that I was able to put my feelings aside and be supportive of someone else. Now I will forever have that connection of being at my nephews birth. Whatever you decide is right. You need to weigh it and make a decision that is best for you. Best wishes to you and I hope you get your BFP SOON!
Kay

[evita]

Though i have never been in such a situation but this is really a tough decision that you have to take! Had i been you i would have decided against it if there were enough people beside her side at the time of birth. It is not necessary to hurt your feelings...is it...but in extreme cases where the lady does not have anyone by her side it would be an apt thing to be at birth for support simply on humanitarian grounds. That's what i think, you think wisely and take your call. Good luck!

[wewishforbaby]

I can totally understand where you're coming from. However, sometimes we have to put our feelings aside for the greater good. Going through infertility can be a very stressful thing. But like many said, they were actually happy to be there for the special occassion and it turned out to be a beautiful bonding experience.

Claim parenthood and believe in all your heart that you will be a mom one day. Know that you don't have to feel sad when to see other people having children b/c you will one day be in that delivery room as well and maybe your friend can return the favor. Like I said I know it's not easy, but this can end up being a blessing for you in the long run.

[wannabigbabybelly]

I was in the delivery room with one of my friends a couple years ago.

It was the most amazing expereince....

It wasn't until after it was all over and I was home that it really got to me. The realization that that might be the closest I'll ever get to experiencing that miracle for myself.

But it was totally worth it and I'm so glad I went.

It was a real bonding moment for me. I felt so grateful that she was willing to share such a personal and special moment in her life with me. Something I might never see for myself otherwise.

[rexie]

I'm going to say the same as everyone else and suggest you think about this until you can't think about it anymore.

When one of my friends got pregnant accidentally, I was so hurt by it. Much more hurt than even I realized until after I myself got pregnant. She was the last of my friends to get pregnant and I had started before ALL of them. So her pregnancy hit me especially hard. Subconsciously, I found myself detaching myself from her pregnancy and her child. I realize now how much of her daughter's life I've missed, but it took my friend's unbridled joy for me when I got pregnant to realize how detached I really was. She was buying my girls presents from the moment I told her I was pregnant. I barely even acknowledged her daughter's birthdays.

My point is that I now feel terribly guilty about it. I fully understand why you wouldn't want to go. It'll be very, VERY hard for you and I myself wouldn't want to do it. In fact, I'd probably be hurt that my friend asked me and would insist she was being insensitive. However, if you think for even a second you might feel guilty for saying no somewhere down the line, I'd do it despite all the pain. Just make sure you'll be in the position to cry later that evening and have a feel-good activity lined up for the next day.

Hope that helps a bit.

Natalie

[Laci]

When we were struggling to conceive I would find myself sometimes having resentful thoughts about some people around me who were expecting, and even turning away from some people. Namely, two cousins who became pregnant at very young ages by random boyfriends. Now that I am pregnant I have had one friend who is struggling with infertility turn away from me. I realize how hurtful I have been to a few people because of my pain, and I am sorry for the way that I reacted in some situations. With that said, my close friends and sister have always been very sensitive to my struggles, and I could never do anything but love their children to pieces. I was in the room when my niece was born in January, and it was the most precious experience of my life. I was overcome with emotion at this miracle, and I cried and cried as she came into this world. Whether she was mine or not, it was amazing, and I am so thankful not only for this moment, but for my sister always sharing her children with me.

[tulip23]

I agree with the others here..its your decision ...but I must say that watching a new life enter this world is a feeling you would almost always cherish..it can bring nothing but joy .I agree that during such moments emotions run high so may be you can get overwhelmed and even feel bad about your infertility but that has nothing to do with you friends baby.. ..sharing someone's joy can only increase urs ..I know its a difficult decision but believe me, u'll not regret going there. I hope very soon you would b inviting her over to your delivery

[Deb72]

I'm SURE this is mute by now, but, people's responses are sort of aggravating me. This is NOT a tough decision. The answer you give to your friend is NO. Is she KIDDING? Going through infertility is gut-wrenching - the LAST thing you should do is go witness a friend giving birth! You shouldn't even go to a baby shower! You need to take care of yourself. Period.

[MIRANDA12503]

Originally Posted by Deb72

I'm SURE this is mute by now, but, people's responses are sort of aggravating me. This is NOT a tough decision. The answer you give to your friend is NO. Is she KIDDING? Going through infertility is gut-wrenching - the LAST thing you should do is go witness a friend giving birth! You shouldn't even go to a baby shower! You need to take care of yourself. Period.

In my 6 years of infertility I have witnessed a birth and attend many many baby showers. I can't not imagine my life without my friends in my journey. Friendship is not one sided. My friends have been there to hold my hand, cry with me....attend Dr appointments....wait in waiting rooms during surgeries and celebrate my long awaited pregnancy. I am glad I chose to share in there joy and be there during there life. I feel that I can support them and "take care of myself". I think I suffered from IF to learn lessons....prepare my soul and better myself. Understanding that life is not perfect and things can travel off the path we chase is half the journey.

[Jacklyn]

If I were in your shoes and she was my really close friend, I would tell her how I feel and expect her to understand. I would probably want to make the decision as the day grew closer depending on how I felt by then. May be, the fact that she understands (assuming she does), would make me feel closer to her and I would go for the birth. Or may be the hurt of me not having my own would be too large for me to go.
Its not an easy decision and needs to be left to time.
Good luck with it all, and I hope that your day comes very soon.