[Deb72]

Can I explain a situation to you guys so that I can just get your advice as to whether or not I'm just too sensitive or if this is just really hurtful?

I have 2 friends - Sue and Dana. 2 years ago Sue and Dana did not know each other at all. I was friends with both separately. But all 3 of us were going through IF. Dana was my confidant and Sue was my confidant. As time passed, I introduced them to each other and the 3 of us would hang out from time to time. Eventually Dana got pregnant. I remember Sue and I reacting with a lot of emotion. And so Sue and I were each other's confidants and we cried to each other daily and we emailed all day etc etc. Well, 1 month later, Sue got pregnant. Long story short, I saw both of them very little throughout their pregnancies because it was just so hard on me. Dana gave birth last month, Sue gave birth 2 days ago. Come to find out that the 2 of them have been hanging out almost every weekend, Sue came over to Dana's (lives right next door to me) to see the baby twice and didn't even call me to tell me she was in my condo building. Sue called Dana at 2:30am when she was going into labor, Dana already went to go see Sue in the hospital... etc etc.

I really abbreviated this story so that I woulnd't bore you with too many details. But, this whole situation makes me feel SO LEFT BEHIND. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Is it wrong that Dana told me in casual conversation this weekend that: "Ohhhh Sue called me at 2:30 am to tell me her water broke..." Why do I want to hear that??

I feel SO left behind! Neither of them even ask how I am doing anymore - they have pregnancy/newborns in common, so I'm left out. I just feel so wretched about this. Does anyone have a similar situation? Does anyone have advice for how I can deal with this? Thanks so much...

[CryingInside]

I wish I had some fantastic words of wisdom for you, but I don't. IF hurts and it hurts even worse when it seems that we are left behind. My friend that went through IVF to get her son now says that she doesn't remember any details and barely talks about the IF stuff at all. And, she is getting ready to try for #2 through IVF and I am sitting here trying to save for IVF #1.

It sucks. I would say take time away from both of these friends. If they truly care about you, they will understand the frustration you are going through right now. Remember, when you need to talk there will always be a whole slew of women on here who know what you are going through. And, for the record, I don't think you are being too sensitive.

[Deb72]

CryingInside - Thanks for responding. Yes, this just sucks and I know I have to just cope. I just wish, along with the obvious pain, that behavior of friends didn't have to add to that. I guess it's good just to know I'm not alone - not that I wish this on ANYONE else, but this forum has become such a source of comfort!

[frymomma2b]

I think it is a terrible situation and a rude thing to do but at the same time maybe they know how hard it was for them to speak and see pregnant women so they wanted to spare you. And just like you said "like want to hear that". I am sure that is all they had to talk about with eachother was the pregancy and had someone to share that with just like you all shared the IF with. It is hard and i deff understand the feeling left behind...All my friends have gotten pregnant and had babies in the last year and half so now i am just the baby sitter when they need one but they kinda act like i wouldnt understand which is sooooo stupid because "hello i raised my step son full time from the age of 14 months". Keep your head up it will be your time

[Deb72]

Thanks for your message - it helped. Maybe all they have in common (or all they HAD in common) was pregnancy - and I guess you want to be friends with people who are going through the same thing as you. Maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive. I just bought Sue (the one who just had the baby) a huge bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her house to say congratulations. There's one step forward...

So tell me - in your signature it looks like you are a foster mom? Or you adopted? That is wonderful!

[frymomma2b]

No I have been with my son from the age (his) of 14 months. My dh and i met at that time. He was a single dad. Collin (my dss) is actually a twin, and my dh didnt want to lose the children (they werent married) so he stayed with her and cps told him "if you leave her or fight for the children you will lose. So when he was working out of town he would have her bring them to see him and well one time he was working in Louissiana when the children were 5 months old (we live in Texas, two days after they (her and the twins) were home he got a call that Caydin was dead. she had gotten messed up partying and left the two children in the carseats in the livingroom for at least 24 hours with bottles and they called it "SIDS" so she has been in and out of prison every sense and my dh finally got his point across (not the way he wanted) that she is an unfit mother so the judge awarded full custody he got his life in order and when he moved to my town with Collin he brought him to my daycare where we met and instantly fell in love. Collin does not know i am not his mom because he is only 4 but he understands that another lady carried him in her tummy and i got him after that (only because he seen the pictures from the shower). He is the most amazing little boy and we are trying to get my rights to adopt but in Texas it is very hard even when the mother has not seen him in years and is in prison, to take away her rights. She has visitation rights 2 weekends a month for 2 hours under supervision but she has not taken advantage of them but 1 from the time he was 8 months old and that was only because she heard of me and wantedd to see what i looked like and to ask cody about his level of involvment with me. I hope to one day give him the brother (or sister) he wants me to give him but i dont know if that will be possible. I am trying to have faith though


I think the flowers are a great first step and if she is worth being a friend with then she will call or come see you when she gets them. I really wish you the best and hope that you get your friends back. IF is hard enough but without companionship from those who are going through it or even those who went through it and have the end result (a baby) it is even harder.

[kblythe]

Deb, I think if I were you, I would be hurt, too. But I also think that you should give them the benefit of the doubt. They may have been attempting to spare you pain by not constantly talking about your pregnancy. Sometimes, I think it's hard to strike the balance. One of my really good friends in Chicago who knew all of the IVF crap I'd been through waited until she was 7 months pregnant before she told me because she was afraid it would be upsetting to me. Although I was upset that she had withheld the news from me, I understood that it came from a good place in her heart.

k.

[Deb72]

To frymomma2b - Wow! What an incredible story. It sounds like you had some really tough times for a while, but now you have your beautiful son and you're working through the steps to adopt him. I really hope that happens for you. Do you ever worry that the mother will get out of jail and come looking for Collin? I'm assuming you have met her now - is she thankful to you for taking care of the baby or is she resentful? That is a wonderful story of how you met your DH though!! And good luck to the both of you through the IF process.

[Deb72]

To kblythe - I am giving Sue the benefit of the doubt. Dana is another story. And such a long story. To make it short, she lives right next to me (condos). She used to come over EVERY night after work to have a glass of wine, cry on my shoulder or just talk about our IF struggles. She also came over to complain about her DH (long story) and I would console her every time. We used to talk about IF and I said over and over again, "Inevitably, one of us will get PG before the other one, and we have to promise we'll still talk like this and be good to each other..." And she agreed. But when she got prego, she immediately stopped coming over. In fact she hasn't knocked on my door in over 10 months now. I call her about 1x per week, even when I'm miserable and don't really want to hear about her baby, and I email her constantly to see how she and the baby are doing. She never calls me and never emails me. There are a few other things that she has (or hasn't) done that hurt me too. I just think I am too old to have friends like that.

I understand why your friend may have waited 7 months to tell you she was PG. I have a friend like that too. I knew she was trying, asked her all the time if she was PG yet, and she'd avoid the question and start talking about politics or something. So yes, I agree that she was doing that from the heart...

Thanks for your message - I really appreciate your thoughts.

[frymomma2b]

She is really never around to know how she feels but i have talked to her a few times and she says thank you but she doesnt really have any emotions (i think she has emotional disorder) she just goes back to talking about herself. She sends a christmas and b-day card every year from jail (his b-day is on Dec 24) and for a few years she wrot3 "MOmmy loves you and cant wait to see you" YEAH RIGHT SHE NEVER SEEN HIM AND IF SHE LOVES HIM WHY DOESNT SHE SHOW IT by at least calling to see if he is still alive ( he has Hemophillia from her side of the family). This year she wrote "love you, Cortni" instead of mom. So i think she is realizing that she is not a mom to him and will never be. My husband had to go the one time that she used her visitations 2 years ago and collin was already calling me Mommy so he told her "Collin has a mom and you are not it, yes you are his mother but he doesnt understand that and until you are consistant with calling and seeing him I would appreciate it if you told him your name is Cortni and not mommy because all he will say is "lorry is my mommy". and she respected that and has not said it sense. I do fear that she will come around when he is more self sufficiant (i.e. 13 or so) and tell him stories that we lied about what she did or that we kept him from her and because she is (wild) collin will take to it. But i cant live my life worryign about that and have learned that all i can do is be the absolute best mom i can be and instill in him the love i have and he will know who is right. I had a step dad that raised me and a real dad that was in and out of jail and i got sent home by him one day when i was 5 because i kept screaming "YOur not my dad David is (my step dad)" so i know that children chose weather to love their parents not the other way around

[bq122]

WOW.. I feel for you and I understand the hurt you are going thru.
But first I want to say you should be very proud of yourself to deal with your sons, so called mom. Because a mom to me is not who gave birth to you but raised, loved and cared for you day & night. She is not. My son passed away from SIDS. So I know it is devastating. But I would love to knock that woman in her head.
Anyway, As far as your feelings you are so right to feel hurt by there actions. Especially since you had a buddy promise with the IF and she went back on it.
Why cant just ask? How would you feel? How would you like me to handle this?
I felt the same way with my son friends just stayed away from me but then I had a selected few that would just ask me. Sometimes I didnt know myself but I thanked them just for asking, and when I thought about it enough I would come back with some sort of answer.
I would send flowers/cards ( with a message incl.) gift. Let them make the next move. If she is truly your friend she will have to respond back. If not, you can either call on it. Or just let it good. She isnt your friend.

[frymomma2b]

Yeah i agree.


Oh she also had a baby in May of last year and gave it up for adoptions (stupid of her to get pregnant again but) probablythe best thing she has ever done for any of her children was giving her up I just wish we could have had the opertunity to take collins sister in