[bistro]

I haven't gotten my period yet, but since last night, I have known that this month was a failure once again. Although my bbs were more sore than usual this cycle, they have stopped hurting at the usual time. My BBT is also starting to go down. And I have been spotting since 9DPO and I know it's not implantation spotting. I'm not sure what it is but I think I need to have my progesterone checked out. This is not right. Happened last month too. Also got a couple of .

It has been almost exactly a year and a half since we started trying and I think I have held it together pretty well for the most part emotionally. But last night and this morning I let myself cry for the first time. I mean REALLY CRY. I've gotten a tad weepy before here and there some cycles, but this time I just let loose. My DH was away, so I just cried and cried and cried. And then I cried some more. I told myself how bad this all sucked and I reminded myself that it was OK to feel really bad for myself and I asked myself over and over again why this was happening to me. And then you know what I did? I cried some more! I cried like a 3 year old who just lost his blankie cries.

I didn't have any answers for myself and I don't feel a whole lot better, but I guess it was good in some weird way to let some stuff out that has been bottled up for so long.

It's Mothers Day weekend and that pretty much SUCKS, but being with my own mommy will be nice. I'll also be taking the weekend to think about whether or not I still want to hold off on the IUI for another 2-3 months as planned. The way I feel right now, I am torn. If I start doing it, I will feel like I'm doing something to take control. But I am so scared of failure at that next level. Deep inside, I am terrified that nothing will work. I feel like if it hasn't happened by now, why would it happen any other way? Unexplained infertility??? What a horrible, cruel joke!!!

In any event, thanks for reading this LONG depressing post and letting me vent.

[golda928]

I'm so sorry you are going through and it doesn't help with it being Mother's Day Weekend. I think almost everyone on this board can relate to you at one level or another. I know it's scary to think about taking that next step for many reasons. I know one of the biggest reasons is feeling that if you go for that next step and you don't succeed then you'll be in deeper and then really get depressed because now you're actively doing something about it and it's still not working.

However, even with unexplained IF, which is what I had, and good test results and DH good #'s, if you haven't done anything towards that next step, don't get that hopeless feeling yet. You shouldn't compare yourself to others, but read of some of these amazing women who have done 6 and 7 IVF's after numerous IUI's and still won't give up the dream.

I think after the amount of time you've been trying, and given you have found an RE you seem to like, I would go for it. It's scary but the old addage nothing ventured nothing gained holds true here.

Feel sorry for yourself, cry, you deserve to and should, but then pick yourself up and realize that you haven't given yourself a fair shot yet. Sure it's scary and there is the possibiity of failure. Sure it stinks you have to go through these treatments when others can just close their eyes and get pregnant, but you also have modern medicine on your side, and you havebn't had a chance to see yet what it can do for you.

I had unexplained IF as well, and while my story is very unique in that we had some medical issues that prevented us from trying to conceive as often as we like so we went the RE route and maybe didn't need to, it's no less scary. And it took me 3 tries on IUI. I just figured the meds weren't correct and it takes a few months. My first month on new meds and I'm 38 weeks along.

Grieve for all you've been through but realize there is a lot ahead of you as well. Hope you come to peace with your decisions soon!

[bistro]

Golda - thank you for your kind and sane words and for bringing some clarity and rationality to the situation.

I feel much better today, as suspected. I know it has not been as long for me as it has been for others, so I know that I may have a long battle ahead and that I have to keep at it. I am only 34 and still have time!

Happy Mothers Day to all who have been blessed!

[mabelina01]

Glad you're feeling better today. I could totally relate to you. This whole IF journey has made me get in touch with a whole new emotional side I never knew existed. I'm generally not a "cryer" but man, I've had myself some good ones since starting all this. It really bothered me at first that I reacted that way. I kept telling myself that I can't react so strongly because that makes it harder and I didn't to be that way. But you know what, it helps sometimes. When I found out our 5th IUI didn't work (meaning the next step was IVF) I moped and felt sorry for myself for a good 24 hours...and I needed that. Eventually I got it out of my system, got myself together, and gained a new strength to move on. I can understand the fear though that comes with moving on to a new step in treatment. I think that fear is what made me react so strongly when our 5th IUI failed. I was so scared to have to move on to IVF because what if it failed?? I didn't want to be at that point. I thought something would've worked before we got to this point and I was extremely frustrated. But here we are. Yes, my biggest fear with IVF is the idea of it failing but I'm trying not to think about that. We are just moving forward with it and I'm doing my best to control what I can in my life.
Also, I try to keep things in perspective when it comes to reading postings on this forum. I find it's easy to compare myself to others on here and their experiences. I find myself thinking, okay they have similar issues and either they got pregnant or they have similar issues and haven't got pregnant. While I find this forum extremely helpful and supportive I keep in mind that everyone's situation is different and I can't always compare myself to other people. I have found with IF that ANYTHING can happen and no one is the same.
Anyway, sorry this got kind of long. I guess it struck a chord. Best wishes as you continue this journey and hope you have success soon.

[kepola]

I know exactly how you feel. I am so lucky to have my husband's support. It is not our fault so don't think that. Try to think positive.