[abbygail98]

Sorry I need to vent…

I’m feeling low. And I’m feeling guilty. I see Dh struggling, I know he’s hurting too but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He just says he feels like the world is crapping on him. We’ve been together for 10 years. From almost day 1, we knew that we were in love and wanted to be together and raise a family, a big family. We had never tired not to have a baby, it just seemed that every time we were ready to really put our efforts into it something would happen and we’d have to put it on the back burner again. And the somethings were always me…kidney stones, back injury, loss of a parent, broken bones. Now here we are in the most stable place we’ve ever been in and again it’s my IF issues keeping us from having a baby.

We went to a little girl’s 1st b-day party yesterday. She had never seen DH before but he was the only one in the room she wanted to be held by. She smiled at him and cooed. She giggled insanely when he talked to her. When someone else took her she would keep look around at him and smiling. I could see in his eyes how much it hurt. I started having that “maybe he should try with someone else” feeling. I know that’s not how he feels and that he doesn’t blame me, but I feel guilty.

AF showed up yesterday too. Just to make things worse.

Today I’m sitting here at work with no one to talk to, hiding everything from the bosses and just wanting to go home and cry. I feel so defeated. My ins isn’t going to cover a RE or any other measures to become PG. Paying out of pocket isn’t going to be feasible either. I see the giant STOP sign in front of me and I know it’s coming up fast. I go to see my doctor again Thursday and I’m not sure what he’s going to tell me but probably that I still have time. I guess no one understands that this journey takes a whole month at a time and that the waiting for that time to go by is what makes it worse.

[mia23]

Oh I am so sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately I know how you feel. Try to take a little time for yourself and do something easy and inexpensive to make you feel good. Allow yourself time to feel these emotions but give it a time frame such as one day. You will allow yourself to feel that way for one day then do something nice for yourself and try to pull yourself up again for another try. God does have a plan for you, you will be a mother. It will happen just maybe not in the timeframe that we would both like (right now!!!!). Anyway sending lots of your way!!! Feel better soon so you can get your !!!!!!!!!! And I too know the guilt of thinking Dh could have a baby with another woman with no problem. We cant let ourselves think that way. They want babies and families with us or else they wouldnt be doing this. I too have a hard time dealing with Dh's emotions when I cant seem to handle my own. But try to keep communication open. And remember that you love each other very much. That is why you want a baby in the first place. This will happen for us. Hang in there girl!!!!!!!!!!

[wally865]

Hey girls. I have been feeling this way lately as well. I feel myself being pulled down by depression but NO ONE (except you guys) seems to understand that. My DH tries to be all huggy/kissy to get me "in the mood" but I have absolutely no desire to do that at this point. However, he doesn't seem to be able to understand that.

I am feeling him pull away and shut off and now he doesn't want to hardly talk about it. I ask him to look at things from my perspective....would he really feel "in the mood" if he had all the stuff going on with him that I have going on with me?

I know that he is trying hard too. But the extent of his troubles is having to do a semen analysis, whereas, I go through exam after exam, surgery, daily pain, and I don't even want to be around babies.

I'm spent....I'm done. I have got to find a therapist before this destroys me and my marriage.

Thanks for letting me vent. No one else gets this.

[Charloto]

I'm in the same place right now.. just feel like i'm drowning and can't catch my breath.

I've been married for 10 years as well and we have a wonderful marriage.. he's the nicest man in the world. Truly. He does absolutely everything to try to make me happy but I just can't seem to find it.
There are moments when I stop to think of all of the great things I have and think to myself why am I still so sad? But I can never stop thinking of what I don't have...

The most difficult thing for me is my hubby travels for work. All.The.Time. And I rarely know in advance when he'll be leaving. For instance, today was a horrible day. The worst day ever when on my way to get a blood test to see if I was pregnant, af showed up. We all know how heartbreaking that is.. to make it worse I've got the most horrible cramps I've ever had in my life.. it's like "oh, not being pregnant isn't enough.. let's make it hurt like hell too." sigh.
Then my husband just got a phone call.. midnight call to go on a job in Fort Worth, 6 hours away. Who knows when he'll be back.
It's so difficult, sometimes impossible, dealing with all of this but so so much more so when the only person in my life that understands what i'm going through is always gone.
We've always been the couple that loves to spend every single second of every day together. I've never once wished he wasn't here or wanted my own space. He is my whole heart and I feel so unbelievably empty without him here. Only made worse with this empty hole in my heart.. the missing part of our family.
I just don't want to be alone...

I just needed to write some of that out... sigh.