[gracevanowen]

I'm new here, and I really don't want to step on anyone's toes. I am in no way judging anyone, I truely want help working through this issue and trying to sort through my own feelings. While I am thrilled that DE are an option for the girls they are the right choice for, I am completely against it for me. I just can't really explain to anyone why I feel this way.

I'm 40 and I know there are just certain realities I have to face. My husband is strongly in favor of doing it after we do a few tries with my own eggs. I won't even consider it. It makes me deeply upset when he (or anyone else) brings it up.

I have a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM in two weeks and I have heard that he gives lots of girls the DE talk. I want to be able to articulte why, other than my current statement that it is just the wrong thing for me.

Is there anyone out there who has gone through this stuggle? Anyone who thought they'd never do DE and now are open to it? Anyone who tried to keep an open mind but decided they'll never do it? Anyone that has a good answer as to why not doing it is the right choice for them? Perhaps someone out there has some insight that can help me open up my mind on this subject. I've tried talking it through with my DH and friends but I just can't seem to explain my feelings. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[Sagermom]

I take it you are not open to adoption then either? I don't think anyone can tell you how you are supposed to feel or figure out why you feel that way, their your feelings. I remember saying I would not do donor eggs because I wanted to adopt, but now that the adoption doors have closed right and left on us, and my ultimate goal is to be a mother, regardless of how that child falls in my lap, I'll do antyhing, including donor eggs. Honestly though, knowing others that have gone the donor route - once you have the baby, the fact that it's not your genetic offspring, it's still your baby, and if you really think you can't feel that way, then you shouldn't do it - or adopt. I'm not judging you at all, those are your feelings and you're entitled to whatever you feel. Don't do something to satisfy others, you ultimately have to live with any decisions you make.

[Kay]

I think it is important to be honest with yourself. If you feel strongly against DE, then by all means DON'T DO IT! You must have peace with a decision like that or there could be potential problems emotionally later. Not feeling comfortable with DE does not make you a bad person either. You know what is right for you. Sometimes these decisions take time too. Just make sure you are "worked" through it before going forward. I that your heart's desires are realized!
Kay

[J-LYN]

First I would like to welcome you to the group!

I was in your shoes last October. I remember saying if I couldn't have my own child, then I was going to have to learn to live without.

But at the time.... I had HOPE.. DE wasn't an option for me to even think about, because I WAS SURE my eggs were just fine.

Then I went thru 3 cycles... 10 months of treatment. Not a long time compared to alot of the ladies here.

But believe me, every shot, every poke, every hanging on the minute that my follicles are going to grow, and begging "please baby, just be in there for me." all I need is one!

But without unlimited funds to keep on trying, (i could keep trying if I money wasn't the issue) The journey to this point has taught me that I don't need a biological connection to my baby. I never thought I would feel this way at all. Honestly.

I'm sure you have your reasons for being so against it.. alot of us have probably had those same thoughts, and believe me, if I ponder on it, I still feel the ping of pain that is there to remind me that I may have lost the ability to have a child with my eyes my toes, my hands, my mothers hands, etc... but does it stop me from wanting to be a MOTHER? No, it doesn't. Thats the THING that changes your mind, and your HEART.

I agree with Kay, you need to be sure, and make your own decisions. make your journey one that you need to... no one else can tell you. But somewhere along the way.... I'll bet you change your mind/heart.

Hugs, Janet (J-lyn)

.

[reggie]

Welcome Grace!

I might have missed it but other than saying the idea of donor eggs deeply upsets you, you don't describe why. What do you think when imagining a donor egg has created the embryo that you would carry? I know the idea is upsetting but why? Is it because you feel the embryo is foreign to your body? Because you feel resentful that your body couldn't do what it was supposed to do? Or is it one of many other reasons? As others have said, your reasons are your own and valid but you must have reasons you tell yourself other than it upsets you but you don't know why. And I think that might lead you down the path of discovery. Not necessarily conversion but understanding.

For me, personally, I have never had a strong link to genes. I'm an only child with a small handful of cousins across the country that I barely knew until recently and no relationship with any aunts or uncles. The only aunt I had was someone I called my aunt but was not related to my mother at all - they were just wonderful, long time friends.

So I never really developed the "family" brain, that's what I call it. I guess everyone feels a biological pull to have their own genetic offspring and it's what we are supposed to do from an evolutionary standpoint.

But if I needed a new liver, I would be so grateful to the family who allowed that for me and to give me a chance to continue this complicated, but super good, life.

So big deal, I need an egg (and not a liver or a kidney). It REALLY is just another biological substitution that I need to continue in this complicated, but super good, life and this time with a beautiful baby to call my VERY OWN.

I also have no aversion to adoption, you might.

We all have to go down our own paths and you have to be happy with yours and your choices. If your eggs are no longer viable and you're not interested in the pursuit of a child not genetically related to you, then you may be able to work towards accepting a childfree life. That is a perfectly good alternative that many people turn to for many reasons.

Your heart will lead you in the right direction because you can only be true to yourself.

Good luck with whatever path you take. And, you never know, I may sit right next to you in the CCRM waiting room having your own donor egg transfer the same day as me. Life can be so funny sometimes.

[Onemiracle]

Hiya - This is my first visit to this board. This discussion is really helpful.

We're already in the midst of Adoption paperwork and applications.

But more recently, we started exploring DE options. We are starting from square one when it comes to dealing with DE - lots to learn.

I'll probably pop in with more questions as we go through this process.

[Cheri]

Onemiracle !

There is a lot of information and support in this forum.

Gracevanowen - None of us want to use donor eggs, but we all want to be Mothers.

Today my donor had her egg retrieval done and I went with my DH to leave his contribution. As we walked out the doors it hit me. Those are no longer the eggs of our donor. They are ours. There are 15 potential babies in that lab, waiting for me to bring them to life and for DH and I to love them. It will be our job to keep a roof over their heads and to feed and cloth them. We will be there to pick them up when they fall and cheer them on when they need it and to hug them ....all of the time!!

They are mine in my heart and legally! I couldn't care more about them even if they came from my body!

Good luck with your decision, I know it's a tough one. I hope your dream of Motherhood comes true.

Oh, one last thing, with donor eggs, you are still the biological mother, you just are not the genetic mother.

[J-LYN]

Cheri,

Your post made me cry.

I 'm so excited for you! I can't wait to be were you are right now.

Blessings, Janet

[BottleBrunette]

Originally Posted by Cheri

Onemiracle !

There is a lot of information and support in this forum.

Gracevanowen - None of us want to use donor eggs, but we all want to be Mothers.

Today my donor had her egg retrieval done and I went with my DH to leave his contribution. As we walked out the doors it hit me. Those are no longer the eggs of our donor. They are ours. There are 15 potential babies in that lab, waiting for me to bring them to life and for DH and I to love them. It will be our job to keep a roof over their heads and to feed and cloth them. We will be there to pick them up when they fall and cheer them on when they need it and to hug them ....all of the time!!

They are mine in my heart and legally! I couldn't care more about them even if they came from my body!

Good luck with your decision, I know it's a tough one. I hope your dream of Motherhood comes true.

Oh, one last thing, with donor eggs, you are still the biological mother, you just are not the genetic mother.

nicely said!

[Cheri]

Thanks J-Lyn and Heather! Lia warned us all about how emotional it was (on the IVF Cycle with Donor Eggs thread), but I had no idea how much it would hit home!

J-Lyn - Your day is coming!! Any idea when you will be starting your DE cycle?

[madge]

Gracevanowen, As you can see, we've been TTC for a while now. We stuck with my eggs for several cycles because I was a great responder with low FSH & my RE was optimistic. My insurance also would only cover IVF with my own eggs because the response was so good. I also felt strange about DE at first--the way agencies marketed women seemed so crass. But over time, my feelings changed. DH & I met late & married soon after, so we've been TTC for our entire marriage. In the past 5 yrs, our love has deepened--I never would have guessed how a relationship could get better & better, esp. with all the stress. When we first started talking about DE after IVF #2, I felt a real loss to discuss letting go of my genetic contribution. Then I came to a point where I was just so wild about my husband that I was thrilled to think about having a baby with his genes & didn't worry about mine anymore. Maybe I don't have genes to add, but I'm excited to nurture that baby in my body--genes are only a blueprint after all, the baby will grow out of me and live from my body. And try to remember, appearance isn't guaranteed. As much as I'd love a mini DH, it doesn't always work that way--I know a couple whose son looks nothing like either one of them--lots of "babies mixed up at the hospital" jokes. And I have a friend who is adopted--people are always saying, 'you have your mom's smile!' 'You look just like your dad!' Well, he doesn't really look like either--you just start to read the resemblance in. People are shocked when he says he's adopted. So, I have no worries 'who will the baby look like?' People grow together as families.

Looking back on years of TTC I must also say I wish we had started this path sooner. Even if you can endure the stress of IVF, how much better to to have the babe in your arms and have your life as a family started sooner. DE has its own challenges--finding a reputable agency & figuring out the donor criteria that REALLY matter & make a success (problems simplified if you're at CCRM)...but sounds like those are in the future for you. The right choice will come to you in its own time, just try to expose yourself to positive viewpoints of DE moms as you are now. Maybe finding a local support group where you an meet a DE mom & baby would help, it did for me--they always say they forgot a donor was involved the second they got a + beta! Very best of luck.

[LizzyB]

I met with a therapist from my clinic to discuss the DE process. One thing she said that really hit home for me was when she said I may mourn the loss of my own fertility. I really think that has been the biggest challenge for me.

I also know that after having a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat I really fell more in like with the idea of DE and started feeling that having a baby was far more important than having my own genetic baby. I say "like" not "love" because I still don't know what I'm doing but I have started feeling out the idea.

Good luck in your own IVF pursuits though.