[Dolores]

Hi Yogalaura,
I just wanted to acknowledge your post on this thread too. I am so sorry for your loss!
How are you feeling these days about your loss and the idea of using donor eggs?
I know you discussed some of this on the other threads and that you were looking for face to face therapy and support. Have you had any luck with that? I also asked the therapist that we had to see as a requirement to do a donor cycle and she also referred me to Resolve. However, even though I am in the SFbayarea where there are a lot of women my age in the same situation, all the groups seem to be general infertility. Like you I want something that will persist beyond successfully conceiving and giving birth that is DE specific. I suspect that there are things that will come up down the road that I can not anticipate and it would be nice to have a live group in place when that time comes. The therapist also mentioned that couple groups have always worked well and that the men seem to get much more out of it than they expect. In the end she suggested that I start a group myself. That is something I will look into when I am further into it and know that this will even work for us.

[imagiccat]

Oh, all these emotions and thoughts...

I'd be willing to bet that every woman here has gone through every single one of them.

When I found out that I no longer had any eggs of my own, I was crushed -- but looking back, I think I was crushed because it meant that I would never again get pregnant the "easy" or "normal" way; we would need to move on to some other way. Then I dealt with about a week or two of feeling like it meant I was no longer young, or "viable". (*snicker*) But, whether it's because I already have four genetic children or because it's just never something I really considered to be important, I got over it fairly quickly and thought, "Hey, at least with donor eggs I can still carry and have a child with this extraordinary husband of mine!"

It was HIM who was hardest to convince that we would need to move on or else forever give up the dream of having a child together. It took me about two years to get him to accept it.

Epigenetics is real, and it's fascinating. It's nice to know that while this baby doesn't come from the actual familial line of genes I do, I will be exerting strong influence over how her own genetics manifest. And the difference will show up even more in any grandchildren! We are, (the donor's genetics and mine) being grafted together, so to speak.

I'm like everyone here, and I had my moments of struggles with the feelings of my husband being with this "other woman"... Hey, who wouldn't feel that way? She is doing something we cannot. Then I would remind myself that not only do we not know her, he has never been near her in any way. He feels no emotional or physical connection with the donor. There is no infidelity involved, no straying, no less love of us or our marriage. There is a lifeless little genetic shell, just a little blueprint that would otherwise be shed out into infinity, and it was mixed with my husband's sperm... Then the results were given to me, to carry in MY body, to do with MY body all I could to nurture it for nine months and bring it to life in this world.

Once I really thought this through, I started looking at it as though it were my husband, going to collect a gift from another person for the sole purpose of bringing it to ME... "Here, this is for US, for our future, for our family, and I wouldn't want it carried in any other place than your body, and I wouldn't want it loved by any woman other than you."

When choosing our donor, in the end I told our RE that I wasn't so much concerned that the donor should look like me, but rather that I would be perfectly happy if she resembled my husband. I could look at carbon copies of him forever. Instead, they found a donor that sort of looked like both of us -- though she sounds like she has MY personality. But to my delight, when I looked at a few of her childhood photos, (we never get to see what she looks like now), I realized that in her face, I could see both of our mothers! I knew then that she was a good fit for our whole family.

Genetics is either a pure accident or divinely controlled, depending on your point of view. A genetic child of your own may or may not inherit hayfever, but you'd never be able to choose anyhow. You could have a genetic child of your own and it wouldn't resemble you in any way, shape or form... genetics can throw back up to eight generations ago, I believe. So you could end up with a child whose face resembles your great-great-great-grandpa whom you have never even seen in a photograph. That's how it works. When I held each of my first four children in my arms as newborns, I NEVER saw myself in any of their faces. Not even a smidgen of me. I saw resemblance to other family members, to my first husband... Just nothing of me in there.

And you know what? It didn't matter one little bit, because the love I felt for each of them was so overwhelming it swept me off my feet. Still does. I don't have any doubt it will be that way with this little person I'm carrying.

As far as I'm concerned, she's been all mine since the moment of the transfer... mine, mine, mine. I know her sleep/wake schedule, I am already getting used to her "personality". I imagine her face, her smiles, her future. She is as much mine as any of my children have ever been. But maybe that's something you have to be in the middle of to fully understand.

Dealing with the emotional issues involved in egg donation can be easier for some people than for others. Every one of us will walk this path a different way and come to deal with it a different way.

You will find your way, and if you end up with donor eggs, you will come to peace with it in your own fashion. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

In the meantime, if you want it, seek some counseling, talk it out. TELL YOUR HUSBAND of your inner grief over thoughts of infidelity. (Remember: He's involved in this entire process with you). Let him comfort and reassure you. Be a couple with him.

You will choose what you need to choose when you choose it, and whatever you choose, the decision will need to be right for you however long it takes to get there.

Best wishes on this journey.