[Dolores]

Hello,
This is my first time posting. My dh and I have had 6 early losses (2 were ectopic). After a failed IVF (good response, good fertilization, but poor embryo quality), we are going with donor eggs.

Sorry that my first question is such a personal one, but I am wondering if anyone would mind sharing the emotions they have experienced and how they coped with the various emotions of grieving not having a child with your dna and being hopeful for the new wish at the same time. I know that if it succeeds, I will love the child unconditionally and that it will be my baby that I carried. I think part of my confusion, guilt and worry comes from all the losses we have had and letting myself get so far ahead of myself to worry about how I will cope with the grief and new promise at the same time. It is hard to have faith that the donor cycle will work. When I try to think about how I am processing it all, I tell myself not to put the cart before the horse; this may not work either. On the other hand, I feel like I owe it to my potential LO to tend to these emotions.

I had a thought the other day that just like the grief of miscarriage, the grief of not having a child that is both biologically of dh and me will be with me even after I have a cherished baby in my arms. I have met many women on this journey who have gone through feelings of guilt and periods of mourning their loss(es) again after they have a healthy baby. Has anyone experienced this or know anyone who has had similar feelings after birth from a donor cycle?

Thanks in advance to anyone who has experience or advice to share. We will see a counselor once as a requirement of the clinic, but just like the rest of this difficult journey, it always feels more meaningful coming from someone who is or has been there.

[tko6666]

Dolores,
First off I'm so sorry about the rough times you have faced up to this point. Welcome to the forum I know you will find so many gals in your situation that are here for you and know probably just how you feel.

I also have a lot of the same feeling that you do. I've had 4 miscarriages and we are also moving forward with donor egg. I can tell you that all of your feelings are normal. I wish I can tell you that I know how to manage so many mixed feelings, but I'm not quite there yet either. My dh and I are starting a 8 week counseling session associated with my RE to help us process all these feelings and questions. I can also recomend a book that our counselor recommeded to us it's: Having your baby through egg donation (Glazer, E.S. & Sterling, E.W. 2005). A couple more are: Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates. Answering touch questions and building strong families (Ehrensaft, D 2005). Assisted reproduction: The complete guide to having a baby wtih the help of a third party (Erickson, T.M.2005). Building your family through egg donation: What you will want to know about the emothional aspects, bonding and disclosure issues (Friedeman, J.S. 1996)

Also, there are 2 really good threads you may want to look into. The first one is a donor egg group filled with tons of amazing gals. The second, is a RPL group with gals who have had several losses and are looking for support as they move forward in the process. Good luck, hope this helps!

[Dolores]

I will look into those books. I have read so many books on fertility and loss in the last couple of years. How ironic that I didn't even think of looking for books on this subject too! Perhaps, I am still in denial.
I am grateful to have found this forum. I have connected with many other women who have struggled with loss and infertility, but I only know one other woman who has gone through donor egg cycles.
I am very sorry for all the heartache you have been through and I look forward to sharing the many ups and hopefully minimal downs of this new path we are both taking.

[Godiva4me]

Dolores & TKO.... hope when you are ready you will come and join the DE IVF thread.... so many ladies there, and a few men, and all have had similar doubts, concerns, feelings. It's all normal, and part of the process for most people.
TKO I've heard alot about the Mommies, Daddies, Donors Surrogates book by Diana Eberhardt, but didn't know of the others. Thanks for posting so many good books, I am sure others would like to read them!

FYI: Genetics has proven that while biologically not technically yours, by being the carrying woman, some of your characteristics do really pass on to the baby in utero.... one of the ladies on the DE thread who has a friend that works in genetics. So, yes, the baby takes on some of your qualities, as well as the fact that without YOU, there wouldn't be a baby.... You are a very important part of the equation! If either of you have any questions, please drop by the DE thread.... people are FULL of INFORMATION there!
Best wishes and Keep us posted on you and your journey!
Stephanie

[tko6666]

Stephanie,
Thanks for the invite. I've looked at the thread a little bit, but would love to join!! We have been moving in that direction for a while and are now ready to jump right in!!

That is so interesting about the genetic connection. I had no idea!!

Hope to chat more with you soon,
Terri

[Dolores]

Thank you for the welcome, Stephanie.
That is very interesting about the genetic link from simply carrying the child. I would love to learn more about that. Like TKO666 I have also read a bit of the DE IVF thread. Just wasn't sure where to jump in, but I will. I was feeling like I'd like to be on that list to help cancel out the current feeling of inertia. We are in a holding pattern. We know we are doing this, but not sure what's next and what will follow. Just waiting for the clinic to contact us to get started. I will pop over to the other thread very soon.

TKO666, Where exactly are y'all in the process?
Best,
Dolores

[tko6666]

Hi Dolores,
I know how you feel. My dh and I spent quite a bit of time deciding on what clinic to cycle with. We are fortunate to live in Denver and have gone to CCRM, but they are so expensive for DE. After lots of research and phone calls and an attempt to enter a study, we decided to stay with CCRM. We actually have another meeting tomorrow at 7am with CCRM to officially get started. Of course, now that we are eager to start, it turns out CCRM is changing their DE process and all donor selections are on hold until the 1st or 2nd week of October! I think the changes will be good ones, but after so much waiting, it's hard to be patient. My dh and I have spent a fair amt of time deciding on what donor qualities we must have, want to have and other features that would be nice. This is a very difficult list to come up with. In reality though, we probably wouldn't be able to really get started that much quicker since my HCG level hasn't gone back to 0 yet, and I haven't even started AF since my D&C. The good news is that we've done all of the preliminary stuff since we had a FET in May, so that will help.

Where are you? It takes a while to get your mind/body/soul really ready to take the next step. There are so many emotions and feelings of grief of our eggs, grief of the genetically linked child, nervousness of the process as well as just the fear of moving forward. Don't rush these feelings. I really recommend counseling as well as lots of conversations with your dh about your concerns.

I'm glad you are joining the DE group as well. Hope to chat more soon.

[Dolores]

Tko,
The waiting to move forward is hard. I feel like time keeps speeding up on me. We have also done all of the preliminary stuff. We were just waiting for dh's SCSA results to eliminate the sperm as a potential problem. Those results came back excellent and so we told our RE last week that we do want to move forward. Now I am just waiting for the OD coordinator to contact us. I was hoping to hear from them by now. However, dh is out of the country for the next week and then my parents are visiting for a week, so I am trying to practice patience. It's more that I want to know where we are on the checklist and have an idea of what a calendar looks like. You know? It's funny how much I relax when they give me one of those calendars, even when it is just a tentative one.
We have decided to go with our clinic's database of donors, for the simplicity and speed. If I considered and compared all of our donor options out there, I would probably never be able to decide. I am overwhelmed enough by the selection the clinic has. I have been looking at their "What qualities are important to you?" form and I have no idea how to 'rate' them. Part of what I was looking forward to was being surprised by the physical characteristics and personality traits our baby would acquire from each of us and have of their own. Trying to select them is difficult and in the end may not even manifest. I think our main priority is trying to mitigate potential disappointment of further loss or failure. We had considered a shared cycle, but in the end decide 'in for a penny in for a pound'. So, we figure we will pick maybe a top 3 based on some of my physical characteristics and personality and good health history and then select based on availability and any measure of potential successful outcome. It sounds so crass when I write it out. As I was perusing I was observing my reaction and who I was gravitating towards... Dh is tall and blue eyed. I am short with hazel eyes. So, I was looking at shorter genes, but finding someone with my skin tone and eye color that I gravitated towards wasn't really happening. Then I would find someone who is almost a perfect match physically, but they'd have hayfever or are allergic to cats. I have hayfever myself, but I wouldn't wish it on my child if I could control for that and we have 3 cats. Then again we could choose someone who has no allergies and our child could still have allergies. Then I am asking myself is it that important for the donor be like me, if they aren't me. This helped me realize that we can control for only so much and we will be happy and love whoever the child is.
It is very overwhelming to acknowledge and tend to all the emotions and grief the loss of the biological connection and the hope of this new path entails. You are right about communication with dh and that is where a lot of my thoughts are these days. I am not so worried about where we are right now, but I am fearful of what is to come if and when the hormones rage, the grief resurfaces and their is a newborn to care for. I feel like I have seen a lot of women struggle with infertility and loss and then it all comes back unexpectedly when their long awaited baby arrives. I am not sure dh really understands that this is a loss that will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I am not sure I fully understand what that means myself. I plan to talk with him about this and bring it up when we see our counselor. This will be the first time we will do counseling together. I think that will help him to have a mediator.
Sorry this was long and rambly. I think that is the stage I am in right now It is nice to have women to talk with who truly relate.

[kblythe]

Hey y'all,

I'm not on the donor egg thread, but I just wanted to add my perspective. I'm a single mother by choice who, after two failed IVF cycles with my own eggs, got pregnant and had a baby with a donor embryo (since I was using donor sperm anyway, it didn't make sense to pay for an egg donor when there were perfectly good embryos available.) I have to tell you, I really mourned when I found out the 2nd IVF didn't work because I knew it meant I would never have a biological child of my own. Since my mom passed away almost 10 years ago, I really wanted that genetic link to feel as though a bit of mom was living on through me. To find out that was never going to happen was completely, utterly devastating.

That said, I cannot imagine having a more wonderful child that the one I had through the donor embryo. He is such a gift from God. Although there is still some residual pain when I allow myself to think back to the day I found out that the 2nd IVF failed, I think it's more just an echo of the grief I felt on that day. It does not diminish, by one iota, my love for my son and my joy in having him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your grief/depression/anger at not having a bio-child is totally normal. It doesn't mean that this pain will define you or your relationship with the child you eventually have.

Best of luck.

Kathryn.

[ballerinagirl]

Hi girls,

I understand loss and have been pregnancy 6X yep 6 its hard but with de you will find a healthy child is in your very near future. This child you will love & cherish unconditionally. We had such pretty embies that never performed so it was hard to get out of the ivf trenches. I set my endpoint and stuck to it. I knew my last cycle was it and actually got excited looking at donor profiles during the 2WW b/c I just knew it was another As it turned out we never used any of those b/c my re pulled his "star donor" out and she was perfect. We have b/g twins and they are yummy and fill our home with so much love and laughter. It was a leap of faith we chose not to disclose and this is what worked for our family. (Catholic) I still chuckle and my husband looks at me and smiles when folks say "oh she has your blue eyes". I reply yes they both have my blue eyes. I would be happy to answer any questions you both may have. They are 6 months old and lately I have been torn over what to do with all the frozen totsicles. I never thought it would work let alone have frozens. Much peace. Penney

[Dolores]

Thank you Kathryn and Ballerinagirl for sharing your stories. It really helps to see women on the other side of all this. My intuition tells me that there is no doubt I will love this child no less than one conceived by me and dh and that I will find a place for my grief. It is just hard to visualize it all right now and also believe that DE will finally get us what we have wanted for so long. It really helps to hear from others who have been here and made it to the other side.
Thank you~

[yogalaura]

Hi all, I am not new to FertilityCommunity, but am new to this thread. Started to make this post on the IVF DE thread and then thought that this might be a more appropriate place, since I am pretty churned up emotionally about this.

Just had our 5th and final IVF cycle last month. The only one that we have ever gotten pregnant on -- and then we miscarried. So hard, because we knew that it was our last shot with my eggs. And then to get pregnant and lose the baby almost immediately... seems cruel, you know?

Now we are moving on to egg donation and I am wrangling with all of those emotions -- and there certainly are a lot, aren't there?

Funny how the pendulum swings. Sometimes I am just feeling fine with this decision - and then things swing back the other way and - bam! - I am emotionally a wreck again.

What is hitting me more these days is the thought of going into the RE's to have my husband donate, knowing that his sperm will be going into another woman's eggs. And then having an embryo from another woman implanted in me. God. that just hits me so hard... It almost feels like an act of infidelity, which must be part of why it stirs up so much emotion.

And I know that this is crazy, because my husband is 100% faithful. And he is having a hard time thinking about visiting a web site to pick the woman who will be the genetic mother of his children. So, we are both dealing with the challenges of this. It is just so surreal, this whole process...

I want to get to the place where I am on an even emotional keel about this. And I want to believe (and mostly do) that when I have that baby in my arms, NONE of this will matter. But getting from here to there kind of feels like a minefield, you know?

[SnowGirl46]

Laura, I think probably every woman who has chosen DE has gone through a process similar to what you're experiencing.

Like you, I had a really hard time with the idea of my husband's sperm fertilizing another woman's egg. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't still twinge a little, once in awhile. However, two things have helped me with accepting it. First, someone suggested that this process is similar to "adopting in the womb." Since I'm fine with adoption, that made sense to me. Second, it was interesting and reassuring to realize that I would have some influence on the child through epigenetics, even though he/she won't share my genetics.

I also decided at some point to focus on the positive aspects of my choice, instead of the negatives. But it took me awhile to get there. Be gentle with yourself.

[yogalaura]

SnowGirl, thanks so much for your response. Your perspective is really appreciated -- especially since you are in the middle of where we will soon be going. Yeah, your comment about focusing on positives is a good one -- I will be walking along trying to keep this kind of thing in mind and then something will trip me up and send me sprawling.

Your comment about "epigenetics" was really interesting. Found the following site, which had some good layperson information to share. (Wikipedia search on epigenetics was like "holy cow!" My brain had a hard time handling that kind of science while in school, much less now.) Egg Donor Parents - FAQ

Any other sources to learn more about this would be appreciated.

Wishing you the very best on your cycle. We will look forward to hearing about your BFP!

[Rachel38]

I was you a few months ago when I moved over from the IVF group to the donor egg board. I was greeted by Godiva and many wonderful women (and a man or two) who helped me work through these sensitive struggles. I too wondered about the disconnect of not providing the "actual" DNA. On a different note, my DH still mourns over the fact he wants our baby too look like me and act like me and he beats himself up because for years they felt it was his poor sperm quality that delayed us from having a baby and then...BOOM. It was as if a light switch went off and my body said "I have few eggs to spare". I had to reassure him while working through my own issues and have to say this site, counseling and sheer love have allowed me to embrace the donor egg cycle. I thank God for those amazing women who offer such a precious gift and please know, that at my clinic their were MANY great people with similar backgrounds and talents as me. I am in a cycle and have my first transfer scheduled around October 18... We are glad to have you. Please come over to our main thread, we welcome you with open arms!