[fuzzykitten]

Hi Ladies,

I last posted in May. Back in May, I had selected a donor, but she was not available for the whole summer. I had my heart set on her, she was perfect. Then, my family talked me into alternative treatment, and it's been 4 months since then.

DH and I cannot wait to do a donor cycle. We know that without a donor egg, we may never be able to have a child. But my parents are having trouble moving on. They insist that a 20 day follicular phase followed by a 9 day luteal phase is normal, because it adds up to 29 day per cycle; this is the sum result of my months of alternative therapy.

As much as it saddens me that our families may not be okay with us moving on, we are completely ready. Please please tell me that donor cycles really do work much better. It seems that nothing works on me, and I just need to hear that egg donation could work for somebody like me.

Fuzzykitten

[Godiva4me]

Fuzzy- YES, Donors do work.... look at all the people who have had success with both fresh and frozen transfers. I hate to say this, as I don't like lying or deceitfulness, but how much info. does your family know about your IF business? If it was me, I would proceed w/ donor that you think is perfect and just never disclose that info. to your family if they are not supportive. Mine doesn't know my specific business, just that I am doing IF treatments. It's really none of their business. I they are that up in your business, I'd just say, we are trying again, and not say what method you are trying. Is there a reason they need to know EVERYTHING??? Then you get pregnant, and life continues on, without any discussion about it. Later if you and DH decide to tell your child, you cross that bridge later... you still don't have to disclose to your family.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth, for whatever it is worth. I just feel this is such a personal journey, you don't have to take out a billboard and tell the world. Most people don't even think about how... it's like, oh, you have a baby! Anyway, sure others will chime in too. Just remember.... donors do work, and work well the majority of the time, nothing is a 100% guarantee!

Good luck, and my advise is.... move fwd, as soon as possible! KUP!

[joy_bugg73]

Originally Posted by Godiva4me

Fuzzy- YES, Donors do work.... look at all the people who have had success with both fresh and frozen transfers. I hate to say this, as I don't like lying or deceitfulness, but how much info. does your family know about your IF business? If it was me, I would proceed w/ donor that you think is perfect and just never disclose that info. to your family if they are not supportive. Mine doesn't know my specific business, just that I am doing IF treatments. It's really none of their business. I they are that up in your business, I'd just say, we are trying again, and not say what method you are trying. Is there a reason they need to know EVERYTHING??? Then you get pregnant, and life continues on, without any discussion about it. Later if you and DH decide to tell your child, you cross that bridge later... you still don't have to disclose to your family.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth, for whatever it is worth. I just feel this is such a personal journey, you don't have to take out a billboard and tell the world. Most people don't even think about how... it's like, oh, you have a baby! Anyway, sure others will chime in too. Just remember.... donors do work, and work well the majority of the time, nothing is a 100% guarantee!

Good luck, and my advise is.... move fwd, as soon as possible! KUP!

2nd to all of that. Donor eggs are much more successful in cases of female factor. If donor is what's good for you and DH then go for it. It would really suck if 5 years from now you still dont have a baby and cant because you allowed you family to tell you how to have a baby. Donors are blessed people and we are blessed to have them.
Good luck God bless and do what is best for the both of YOU!

Joy

[tygerlilly]

Originally Posted by fuzzykitten

Hi Ladies,

I last posted in May. Back in May, I had selected a donor, but she was not available for the whole summer. I had my heart set on her, she was perfect. Then, my family talked me into alternative treatment, and it's been 4 months since then.

DH and I cannot wait to do a donor cycle. We know that without a donor egg, we may never be able to have a child. But my parents are having trouble moving on. They insist that a 20 day follicular phase followed by a 9 day luteal phase is normal, because it adds up to 29 day per cycle; this is the sum result of my months of alternative therapy.

As much as it saddens me that our families may not be okay with us moving on, we are completely ready. Please please tell me that donor cycles really do work much better. It seems that nothing works on me, and I just need to hear that egg donation could work for somebody like me.

Fuzzykitten

I understand from the opposite side of the spectrum, and I think that your family needs to remember that it is your decision, not theirs.

My husband and I used donor sperm to get pregnant, and that worked well for us. I have actually decided that I am going to donate my eggs after this pregnancy to help other couples in a similar position the opportunity to be parents. Without our donor we would never have children since my hubby has a zero count.

I hope you find a way to get your family to understand how you guys feel.

[Ladybuglee]

donor egg definitely works! you can check out my signature to see my progression from iui to ivf to donor ivf.

only a few people in my family know about our use of donor eggs and no one in dh's family knows. however, even if no one supported us, we would have done it anyway. ultimately it is YOUR decision and YOUR baby, and you and dh will be blessed by it. the special thing to me is that we get to experience pregnancy, and most of the time i forget we even used a donor. i hope your family can understand and i bet they'll just be so in love with your miracle baby/ies in the end!

i say, if you and dh are completely ready, go for it!!

[Rachel38]

Wow, your post moved me to respond. I love my counterparts and friends on here...they are so tactful and nice. Let me be direct. (Still nice, but direct) I would have NEVER even discussed this with people who seem to be non-supportive. This is an emotional, serious decision you and your husband need to make. Nobody will ever know what you have gone through except you and all of the women on here who have had to struggle through BFN's and loss of little ones. I NEVER thought that one day I would be at this junction in my life, but I am, and I know in my heart that this opportunity...to carry, nurture and bond with my child from infancy to childhood is a must for me. You must know that too. You must accept the fact that the detailed DNA in this child is not your own, but gifted by someone who felt the urge to help people like us. You have to reach a point where disappointment becomes too often, too sad and you want a greater chance to have your child...to have your dream. With that being said sweetie...DH and I made a decision that only two people would know about our DE decision...my supportive Mother and my best friend, who has been there for me for 27 years. She lead me to my clinic. No one else. Not my sister, my brother, my Dad, or other friends. This is a personal decision and some people will, despite what they say, treat this child differently if they know. Unless you are 100 percent and certain that someone would love and support you and your baby, then do not tell them. Much love and God Bless. I hope since the can of worms has been opened that you are able to help them understand..or simply say you are doing a new protocol and never tell. You ask "Does it work?" The chance of someone 35 years old having a baby through IVF is less than 15 % using her own eggs. It goes up to 60% with DE. I think those stats say a lot. Good luck!

[Kay]

fuzzy- I am here to say, that donor eggs is a wonderful alternative if conventional IVF does not work and families get over it. I have walked in your shoes. My parents were not real hot on the idea either. My DH and I decided it was our decision and our life. My parents support is very important to me, but my desire to grow my family was more important. My dd Clara (from DE- but I rarely even think about that now) will be one year tomorrow and I am now pregnant with a sibbling from a frozen embie made at the same time she was. My parents ADORE Clara and none of us could imagine life without her!
You and your DH need to make this decision for YOU.... YOUR family now. I am sure your parents will come around as well.
Kay

[kblythe]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents. As mentioned, this is a decision that needs to be made by you and your husband and not by committee. It's good practice for all of the decisions you'll have to make in the future about your child that your family may or may not agree with. You will be amazed ... possibly shocked ... at all of the unsoliticited advice you will receive as a parent. Learn to smile, nod, and then completely disregard much of it.

k.

[flashgal24]

Sorry this isn't going to be the sweet nice advice. I just got my second BFN this cycle @ 11dpiui, and I'm starting to be convinced again that I'm horrible at getting pregnant. I just want to tell you to do whatever YOU want. It breaks my heart (and pisses me off) that family members try to take away your chance at true happiness. Go with the donor eggs. Be a mommy. You parents will love your child regardless. And if by some far stretch of the imagination they don't, well, too bad for them, their loss. I have long since considered being an egg donor after I get my little one, because i don't want one more person to be miserable like me b/c they can't concieve, and if I can help someone do that, I will.... but now I'm starting to think my eggs are the problem. Anyways, do what makes YOU happy.

[fuzzykitten]

Hi Ladies,

You are all so incredibly kind! Thank you for reminding me that this is a decision DH and I alone should make. I'm so glad to get confirmation again that egg donation really does work much better. I just need to hear it repeatedly.

We really haven't blabbed about my infertility. We only shared it with 3 sets of couples that DH and I know very well, and it was because we thought we'd succeed on IVF round 2. (We've done 5 total...) We've stopped sharing since then, and they haven't asked.

The problem is that my mother has a lot of relatives and friends, and she wants to include them. In the 5 years that I've been TTC, people have asked, and she's shared everything, including the possibility of egg donation. During the phase where I looked into adoption, my mom actually spread the word to her friends to look for children for me to adopt. Needless to say, there's not a single relative from my side who doesn't know about my infertility. When my child finally arrives, s/he will be examined very closely...

We never shared my infertility with DH's side, because he has some adopted relatives, and we've seen how "discreet" his parents were with that information. I count myself lucky each day they don't ask about grandkids.

Stephanie - I'll visit the new DE thread soon to post my status. And yes, I do have an upcoming appointment with an RE and a psychologist, this month!

Joy, tygerlilly - I am so thankful that there are women out there willing to give so much to help me become a mother. I don't know how I would feel if my 10 year old wants to meet the egg donor, but I know that if I ever met her, I'd hug her, cry, and thank her profusely.

Rachel - good luck on your upcoming ET. Sending you lots of .

LadyBuglee - I think my mother is worried that my egg donor children will not love her family and friends implicitly unless they're born into the family; there's a lot of them, and I can't say I like them all. But she got over that with me, so I think she will too with my future babies.

Kay, KBlythe - DH and I will look at our egg donor children as my own biological kids. We've wanted children for so long that genetics is not going to make a difference.

Flashgal - 11 dpiui is still early. May this be your cycle. Wishing you lots of .

FuzzyKitten

[tygerlilly]

Originally Posted by fuzzykitten

Hi Ladies,

You are all so incredibly kind! Thank you for reminding me that this is a decision DH and I alone should make. I'm so glad to get confirmation again that egg donation really does work much better. I just need to hear it repeatedly.

We really haven't blabbed about my infertility. We only shared it with 3 sets of couples that DH and I know very well, and it was because we thought we'd succeed on IVF round 2. (We've done 5 total...) We've stopped sharing since then, and they haven't asked.

The problem is that my mother has a lot of relatives and friends, and she wants to include them. In the 5 years that I've been TTC, people have asked, and she's shared everything, including the possibility of egg donation. During the phase where I looked into adoption, my mom actually spread the word to her friends to look for children for me to adopt. Needless to say, there's not a single relative from my side who doesn't know about my infertility. When my child finally arrives, s/he will be examined very closely...

We never shared my infertility with DH's side, because he has some adopted relatives, and we've seen how "discreet" his parents were with that information. I count myself lucky each day they don't ask about grandkids.

Stephanie - I'll visit the new DE thread soon to post my status. And yes, I do have an upcoming appointment with an RE and a psychologist, this month!

Joy, tygerlilly - I am so thankful that there are women out there willing to give so much to help me become a mother. I don't know how I would feel if my 10 year old wants to meet the egg donor, but I know that if I ever met her, I'd hug her, cry, and thank her profusely.

Rachel - good luck on your upcoming ET. Sending you lots of .

LadyBuglee - I think my mother is worried that my egg donor children will not love her family and friends implicitly unless they're born into the family; there's a lot of them, and I can't say I like them all. But she got over that with me, so I think she will too with my future babies.

Kay, KBlythe - DH and I will look at our egg donor children as my own biological kids. We've wanted children for so long that genetics is not going to make a difference.

Flashgal - 11 dpiui is still early. May this be your cycle. Wishing you lots of .

FuzzyKitten

I gotta agree with the other ladies on here, only our mothers know that we used donors, simply because we do not want our children to be treated diffrently by our family members. We actually will probably not tell them that we used a donor either. I don't think I could handle meeting a donor... I would be grateful, but there is a mixture of emotions on this issue for me.

I looked into embryo adoption (in case our IVF didn't work for us) and I could not believe how difficult it was to find any eggs or embryos that were available for donation or adoption. And the cost... I mean ours was expensive, but geez lol. I also do not agree that people have to pay for pictures... I dont know how I'll get around this hurdle, but I will get there when the time comes.

[bunniswife]

I wouldn't tell ANYONE, not a single soul. Not because I would be ashamed about it, but because number one, it is nobody's business and number two, the more close minded relatives that you have will tend to look at your child as not yours even though you grew him or her inside you. It is your baby to be. Yours. You and Dh. I was so desperate to have a baby that my best friend offered to be an egg donor and surrogate for me. It never happened but to me, the genetics weren't as important as raising the child, loving the child, and having my OWN family separate and apart from mine and dh's families. I wanted to create a lifetime of love and memories with the man I married and our children. Do whatever you need to do and if someone asks, look them square in the eye and tell them it's a miracle!!!!

[imagiccat]

Originally Posted by kblythe

Just wanted to add my 2 cents. As mentioned, this is a decision that needs to be made by you and your husband and not by committee. It's good practice for all of the decisions you'll have to make in the future about your child that your family may or may not agree with. You will be amazed ... possibly shocked ... at all of the unsoliticited advice you will receive as a parent. Learn to smile, nod, and then completely disregard much of it.

k.

That was put perfectly, and my sentiments exactly.

fuzzykitten -- It's no one's business but yours and your husband's. Unless and until the day you decide to tell the child of their genetic background, it's never going to be anyone else's business.

Parents don't always understand, but hey, that's life. Families don't always understand, and again, that's just life. Grownups might feel the need for emotional support from their families, but if you're not getting it, then there's no reason to tell them.

Life's tough enough without getting the approval of The Committee. Be kind to yourself, and don't add any more stress than you need to going into this.

P.S. This little girl I'm expecting is from a donor egg, and I can only ever think of her as a complete godsend... Something I would be without were it not for our amazing donor and the miracle of modern science. I can't imagine struggling emotionally or killing time trying other methods just to make non-participants happy. (And yes, your parents are "non-participants").

[ballerinagirl]

I had two genetic children with no, nada, any help in my early 30's......9 years later nothing but seven, yes 7 ivf and countless iui and nothing but chemicals and miscarriages. We were beaten, broken and very sad. My first de cycle worked.

My beautiful son and daughter are asleep upstairs in their nursery. Its our secret and we have been given the most wonderful gift in the world. Two children to love for a lifetime.