[ballerinagirl]

Ladies

I need some feedback we have found a half-sibling or two or three and am pretty sure we are on target here. Some backround, this friend of mine has three children two later in life and claims no help was used other than the "fertility diet". I am very close with her sister -in -law who told me she saw the very SAME doctor I did. To make matters even more well bizarre the previous RE who worked at that practice told us that he had seen this person and she was indeed a patient of the clinic. Now I know this is a HIPPA violation. So....... our daughters look so much alike it is uncanny. They are both fair with blue eyes and have my coloring. She is hispanic with jet black hair and brown eyes. Even my older daughters say they look nothing like her. We did not disclose. Apples to oranges I don't really care and feel blessed to have my babies.

What really bothers me is that we used to see each other socially and talk every week on the phone. This has stopped althogether. I have called and she calls me back but makes no initiative. She is even pulling all of her kids out of the same preschool as our children. I know I am right I causually asked my re and he said I bet that is a beautiful baby and "its such a small world"

My dilemma I will never say anything but know we are right. I was open about my miscarriages and treatment over the last 4 years. She openly lied about needing any help and had the most help of all. All four of her children may be half-siblings. We live in the same small area.

One afternoon she was drinking and told me she had a friend who had done IVF had leftover embryos and destroyed them but felt it was a hasty decision. I think she was speaking of herself. I later asked her how her friend was doing who made that decision and she vehemently denied knowing anyone who did IVF. We were having dinner at the time with our spouses her husband looked mystified.

Feedback?

[luvbeingamom]

I think its pretty obvious she used the same RE and went with DE, but wow if she used the same exact donor now that would be a freak coincidence!

I don't think there's anything you can do. If she can't even admit she did IVF, let alone DE, you will never know. Thats the only thing about all this confidentiality, one is always left wondering.

I hope to have contact with the other children from our sperm donor someday. I'm on the donor registry but only one sibling of 8 registered contacted me back. I also have had a couple of e-mails back & forth with the sperm donor himself. I don't think I will be able to find out siblings from the egg donor because at our clinic they are strictly confidential where the sperm donors can be confidential or open to contact whichever you choose.

[ballerinagirl]

luv being a mom- I think it is great that you have some contact. What threw us is that we stumbled upon this and will be left wondering. I am most saddended by this whole thing but sincerely feel blessed to have my children.

[luvbeingamom]

Ballerinagirl I think anyone would be thrown by something like this especially if contact is desirable. To have possible siblings close to you and not be able to find out the truth would make me crazy. I'm so sorry this is happening. Too bad your friend isn't more open.

We also feel very blessed to have these children. You are one of the ladies on this board when I first started researching this. Thank you and all the other ladies for sharing your experiences. I don't think I would have had the courage to try if not for this forum.

[Jules1219]

Hi ballerinagirl, here's my two cents worth. It sounds like she has decided that she doesn't want anyone else to know about it - probably even her children. Or maybe she wants them to be a certain age before she tell them, who knows? And she should be allowed to make that decision. She shouldn't be forced into changing it by someone else. I can understand you wanting your kids to be able to have relationships with each other, but it sounds like she doesn't feel the same way that you do. Or maybe she's just not ready yet. I think you should respect her decision even though you don't agree with it. This is just one woman's opinion who has been through this horrendous infertility struggle. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about half siblings. I do plan to tell my child/children from a very young age, though, that we used donor eggs.

[ballerinagirl]

Thanks Jules and luv-We also did not tell or disclose to anyone. I do not want confirmation from my friend but frankly am shocked its so close to home. She is of a different race and chose a blonde/blue eyed donor who favors my characteristics. I do not want her to tell but would still would like to have the friendship that we once shared. Our husbands are colleagues as well so its really weird. I just knew the fertility "Diet" doesn't bring babies later in life the gift of medicine and God does. She lied for years she needed any help even told her own sister it was clomid. My re told me she was his patient....shocking but we knew it. I would never say anything to her but am glad we did not split this cycle. So happy to have my family.

[Strassenkater]

Just my opinion. You have to accept that everybody feels different about disclosure. And even if your daughters look somewhat alike, its no proof of using the same donor, and even if it was the same donor, she does not have to justify why she choose her, and why she does not want to disclose it to you. Also, not everybody considers children from the same donor as "half siblings" I personally don't, and would also never actively such for such siblings on any data base or network, I just have no idea why I should do this.

[luvbeingamom]

We may have a unique situation that I should explain. We have donor egg and donor sperm twins. Neither parent has contributed genetic material. Surprisingly, they look like me-I have a pic of them on the Stalking Godiva thread. <3 Additionally, we have adopted children who have a lot of contact with their birth family. I feel my children may want contact with other children from our sperm donor in the future. (Like when they are teens) I registered with the donor registry and established contact with the donor for them. If they have no interest, ok. If they do, the information is there. Its not like we do visits or anything although I have heard of children of sperm donors having get togethers as adults. I want to give them that information in case that's what they want.

I would never dream to tell any other family that our level of disclosure is right for them. I hope you didn't take my post that way...I do think it's a drawback to nondisclosure. There are drawbacks to openness as well. Everyone has to do what's right for them and their family situation. Regardless of one's comfort of disclosure, wow it would be a crazy coincidence if the same donor donated for two families that are friends!

[ballerinagirl]

Kate/strassenkater-I'm sorry you got the wrong idea with this thread I am in NO WAY seeking "disclosure" or any "confirmation" of what we know. Niether will we "search" for half-siblings via internet avenues. , That is crazy and makes me uncomfortable. I have been friends with this couple and am just blown away that its such a good friend thats all. We live in the same nieghborhood for petes sake I have no motive but am saddened by the loss of the friendship we shared socially and professionally. They are very interested in our boy/girl twins and the resemblance is unreal. I do know that they are having some difficulty with their youngest daughter and speech/attention span. We have no concerns with our children they are lovely, verbal, engaging children. Hoping you get a strong beta in March.

I started this thread simply vent about the shock of finding a sibling. Belive me we were Not looking.

[jesoro]

I wonder as your friend's children get older, the children may have lots of questions. That may be when your friend is going to have to make some big decisions. And that may be when everything comes out...or not. Hopefully you can somehow continue to have a friendship with her, even if she doesn't want to discuss fertility things. She may also be withdrawing because he children have some delays and yours don't. Sometimes that is hard for people to confront. Good luck!

[Strassenkater]

Originally Posted by ballerinagirl

They are very interested in our boy/girl twins and the resemblance is unreal. I do know that they are having some difficulty with their youngest daughter and speech/attention span. We have no concerns with our children they are lovely, verbal, engaging children. Hoping you get a strong beta in March.

I started this thread simply vent about the shock of finding a sibling. Belive me we were Not looking.

Jesoro might have hit right the target, your friend may really just withdraw from you because her children have some delays and yours don't. Even I have never had children myself, I have lots of experience in pediatrics and often witnessed some pretty weird "Mommy competitions" going on, who uses the potty first etc. Sometimes people also exaggerate "delays" and forget that there is often a huge range to accomplish certain milestones. If you are in mommy competition, you can't do anything besides waiting until your friend comes back to normal and reaches out for you.

[ballerinagirl]

Wow. Now I really didn't think of that.

[jesoro]

Anyway, I hope your friendship isn't lost, and things get better. It is so hard and sad when things change in a friendship like that...but sometimes things do go back to the way they were! Hope so!

[tinkdles]

I have not shared my journey with some of my friends, friends that consider themselves close to me. People do not know how challenging infertility is nor do they understand. People have said cold and very hurtful comments just about IVF. When we decided to pursue donor eggs we decided to keep it between ourselves. Over time I ended up sharing with a select few. Even the friends who have had "issues" I decided against it. They had success with clomid, IUI and one shot IVF. They couldn't understand why it wasn't successful. In fact, I still have not disclosed I am pregnant. It is a very personal decision. You must respect your friends decision. Your friendship might have changed because it became uncomfortable for her. Again, something that you need to respect. It is possible that she just may be going through a tough time and needs her space. Be there if she reaches out. There are too many what if's in this situation and not enough known.

My hubby and I have decided to not tell our child that we used donor eggs. That might change in the future but at this time, we are not planning to. Our donor made it very clear that she did not want to be contacted now or in the future.

Also, we chose our donor based on being a proven donor, not her appearance. We originally were trying to match our features but then decided that we were more interested in proven. However, it would not be a shock to me that our donor has other recipients in close proximity to me. My RE is one of the best around. I bump into people at the coffee/bagel shop in town that I have met in his office. Surprisingly, donor egg is not such a rarity anymore. Sadly as well.

I wish you all the best with your friend.