[rebeccaj]

hello ladies,

I've been a quiet stalker for a while now but I'm about to start on my DE IVF journey and I wanted to meet people who understood and I could share this with.

Quick history - 3 failed natural IUI's; DH then diagnosed with variceole which was effecting sperm count; IVF/ICSI #1 - 26 eggs; no fertilisation; IVF/ICSI #2 - 31 eggs; no fertilisation; Stimulated IUI - 5 good size follicles - BFN; FSH 19; me 34 and very depressed, DH 30.

It's seems so easy to wrap all that up in one short paragraph but as I'm sure you can understand there are 6 heart breaks in there, a sea load of tears and a feeling of grief that I can't seem to shed.

My RE won't let me do another IVF as he feels that the above should be enough proof that I'm not going to be able to do this on my own. The DE path has been the hardest decision we have ever had to make but I have a wonderful sister who is giving me the opportunity to be a mummy.

We've both started Lupron and I start my delestrogen on Sunday night. My sister starts her stims next Thursday. I think it's fair to say taht I am really frightened: Frightened that something will happen to my sister; frightened that it won't work and that I don't think I will be able to cope with another heart break; Frightened that one day I will have to tell my child that I am not it's genetic mother; Frightened that the child will reject me; Frighetened that my sister will look at the child with eyes of a mother rather than an aunt.

I want a child more than anything and I know that I shouldn't be having all these feelings so close to starting but I am and I am struggling.

We have told no-one other than my sister and her husband and my parents. It feels so lonely not knowing anyone out there who has been through this and can understand. I guess that's why I'm here.

Please help me through some of this. I have so many questions and don't know who to ask.

Thank you in advance

Rebecca X

[Haylstm]

Welcome Rebecca. You have come to the right place. After 2 failed IUIs I was told by my RE that it would be more than unlikley that I would be able to get pregnant without the help of a DE. I was crushed but my dh jumped right in and made it okay for me. I too had the fear of rejection from our dc but my mom made a wonderful point. Yes, the child my not have my dna BUT without my love and nurishment this dc would not exsist if it weren't for me. You will be giving this dc life. I know it is a lot to wrap your mind around but when you do you will feel just as excited as you would if it were your own eggs. I am currently in my 2ww. Monday is the big beta day. And I can honestly say that the last thing from my mind is that this potential dc is not biologically mine.

[rebeccaj]

Hi Haylstm,

Thank you for replying to me and I appreciate so much you sharing your story. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one out there. Good Luck for Monday, that is so exciting. Can I ask you whether you have any symptoms?

with thanks again, Rebecca

[annie]

It gets easier with time. I to used DE this time around & at the beginning it was all about the DE & the attachment issues, etc. I am 9 1/2 weeks pregnant & can honestly say that it really hasn't crossed my mind. I am happy being pregnant but have a lot of m/s so not really enjoying it right now. I have a dd using my own eggs as well.

We used an aynonomous (sp) donor so I don't have the exact same issues as using someone I know. You will forget all about it once you are pregnant, I guarantee it.

[rebeccaj]

thank you annie and congratulations! it gives me hope that it can happen for me. Your words mean so much as I don't think I could have enough reaasurrance. Good luck X

[hopeful2bmom]

Rebecca,
First, Welcome!
Second check out my signature. I had quite a few failed IUIs and IVFs. We moved on to using my sister as a donor and it was unfortunately not a good move for us as she back out half way through. Talk about harboring resentment... We have moved on but I will have to say we are not as close as we were. It sounds like you have a wonderful sister and she is going to bat for you. Congrats!
DH and I had to take a break before we went crazy so we have been traveling around and buying things until we are emotionally ready to try with an anonymous donor in a few months.
I would love to keep posted on your story. We did not tell anyone either. No one needs to know how anyone gets pregnant, what matters is that it is your child. Telling a select few that you can trust is the best way to go.
You will get all of the support you need right here on this board! These ladies are the best.
Susan

[rebeccaj]

Hi Susan,

I read your signiture and it looks like mine!... why us eh? I must have been a very bad person in a former life!!

I'm so sorry that your sister backed out on you, that is very tough and she will have no idea how hard that is on you and your DH. I don't honestly know how I would have coped with that - although there is still time! I really hope that you can take a break and recharge as I am sure that will help. I say that as I tried to take a break from it all but it's so hard to distance yourself from it mentally. I thought "regular" IVF was emotionally draining but the next step takes the biscuit. I read somewhere that we (DE recipients) should make sure that we do all the things that you can't do when you have children or pregnant so make sure that you have a few mad nights and indulge yourself as much as you can.

Also good luck with your search for a donor. Are you in the US or UK? I would love to keep in touch with you and share this experience.

My sister starts her injections on Thursday so it's all happening now. I'm petrified about everything and desperately looking for that positive mental attitude we're supposed to get.

Take care and keep in touch

Rebecca X

[hopeful2bmom]

Rebecca, I would absolutely love to keep in touch with you. I am in the US in Rhode Island. Where are you? That is amazing that your sister is starting!!! How exciting!!! Please do keep me posted. I wish you lots and lots of luck and give your sister a big hug!!!!
I will begin looking in December for a donor.
Susan hugs...

[jencat215]

I am glad the other girls wrote in to tell you their experience.

I can tell you that regardless if 1/2 of your child's genetic material came from your sister, and not you, it won't make a difference. That baby will be yours. You will be it's mother. And who knows, you share genes with your sister so maybe the baby will even have some of your features?!?

Have you talked to your sister about your fears? Does she have children of her own? It may be that she doesn't want another child (if she has them aready). I think she is doing a wonderful thing for you and I am sure she loves you and doesn't want you to be scared of how she reacts.

Congratulations on starting your journey. I hope it is a successful one!

[rebeccaj]

Hi jencat,

Thanks for your words, my sister comes to the US on Thursday and I have two weeks of unadulterated time with her to talk. Even though we live so far away (I'm on teh West coast of the US and she's in the UK with the rest of my family) we are very close and she is one of the few people I can talk to. She has one baby (14 months onld) and does want another but won't start trying until next year. My sister and I look a like and her baby looks just like me when I was her age which makes me happy knowing that any child we are lucky enough to have could actually look like me.

I am so lucky to have such an amazing sister and very proud of her. I just wish I didn't have to put her through the next two weeks and I personally know how hard it is.

Hi Susan,

Very happy to share this bizarre journey with you and with any luck I can bring you a little miracle to inspire you on your journey. It's so good to have someone out there who understands.

I am in Portland, OR - I'm English but have been here two years. All my friends and family are back home which has made this whole journey a lot harder and a lot lonelier. It's also made it super complicated coordinating this with my sister. I'm praying that everything goes ok with her first baseline scan on Thursday or we've missed our chance. she can only stay with me 2.5 weeks and so if it doesn't work or something goes wrong then I'll be joining you in the quest for a donor.

Thanks for the big hug - it's very much needed at the moment and I'm sending one back to Rhode Island.

keep in touch and enjoy your break

Rebecca XXX

[Junebug]

Hi Rebecca-

I know just how you feel. Well, sort of. After 5 failed IVFs, we have decided to try another. However, this time we will use donor sperm as a back up. It was very hard to come to this decision, and I am scared about how it will turn out.
Ideally, we would not have to use back up DS and get pg. But, that is not likely given past performances.

I am nervous that we will get pg with the DS and it will be weird for DH and me. Using a donor is just a whole new host of issues that I am not very well equipped to deal with! I am trying to ready myself for all outcomes.

I hope you and your sis have a great visit and you get a baby very soon!

[rebeccaj]

Hi June,

Good Luck, I really hope that you don't need the back up and that you're 6th attempt will bring you what you deserve. I think you're very smart to go down this route and hopefully you'll end up with your miracle one way or the other. It's a very scary path.

keeping my fingers crossed for you, Rebecca

[lucyxyz]

Hi there, we will be using DE's. Tried on our own for over 6 years, then I lost my tubes etc. We laugh that if we were 15 and in the back seat of my husbands car, we would have been pregnant 10 times by now! Anyway, for whatever reason, it has never entered my mind that this will not be my biological child. We have a 10 year old biological son, we love him more than life itself, but think about it, men have been donating sperm for years. I used to work with a guy that supported his way through college donating sperm, so I really haven't given it much thought. It took us some time to find the right donor, 1 backed out, 1 didn't want to travel etc. But hopefully now, we've found our girl. She's scheduled for her psych. evaluation next week, and we're scheduled for retreival on 11/11. I have 3 friends who have gone through this and each had twins! Anyway, I do think it would be emotionally harder to know your donor, but everyone needs to do what is best for them. Best of luck, we're all behind you!

Julie