[fla-golfer]

Hi Everyone. I am a male and new to this forum and I had a question to pose to as many males that are available and even some of the females. I don't know all the acronyms ya'll use, so sorry for the longhand. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant now for 3 years. After the first couple months, we decided to talk with my wife's OB-GYN. She gave me an order to do a semen analysis and my wife had a laporoscopy done to determine any reproductive issues. After all of that we found out that my wife appears to be fine with no known reproductive issues. My test came back and I was diagnosed with Azoospermia. So my infertility is leading to our difficulties with conception. I went to see a urologist and he confirmed the findings.

Shortly thereafter we decided to move down to Florida for a variety of reasons not related to our infertility issues, so it was esentially put on the backburner until recently. We are now connected with an IVF clinic down here and we have looked at a variety of options.

Recently I gave my blood for various glandular, hormone and chromosomal panels. It was determined through the Karotype testing that I have a chromosomal translocation problem, which is contributing to my infertility. We spoke with a genetic specialist to determine possible outcomes and she said that there is still a chance for a healthy child, especially if it is a girl (because my Y chromosome is one of the affected translocation issues). We are now weighing out options...because of course if money was not an issue, we would try for ICSI (after doing MESA/TESA) and then do PGD to determine any post fertization issues...and then probably do amniocentesis further down the line to just be extra sure. Unfortuanetly, we do not have all the money it takes (like a lot of people), so we are weighing our options to see if we want to incur that loan/debt, or go another route.

Sorry for the length, but here comes my question(s)...How do males feel about using donor sperm?
Especailly those that have azoospermia. Those of you that have used donor sperm, do you regret not trying another route if it was available to you?
I currently have a feeling of uncomfortablness regarding using someone else's sperm. I just have fears that once the child is born, I will look at him or her and feel differently because they are not biologically mine. I know that there are probably others who have experienced this same situation. Any males out there that have felt this way and then went through with using donor sperm, how do you feel now? I have a feeling that i will just be happy with having a child no matter what, but that fear of bitterness over it not being biologically mine still looms.

Feedback from males would be fantastic, but I would also like to hear from females who may have had to go through this as well. Thank you in advance.

[Poppycorn95]

I wanted to personally welcome you to the forum. We have a message board especially for Azoospermia... Azoospermia That will take you to the very last page of our discussion. I know there are a few couples on there using donor sperm.

For us personally, my husband didn't want to go that route. We had what I call the "cattle prod" but is medically known as electro ejaculation in order to produce sperm. If that hadn't worked, we would have done the biopsy. My husband wasn't comfortable doing the donor sperm, but again... we never made it to the point where that wasn't our only option. He wanted to completely exhaust our other options before even considering it.

[ara79]

first of all, welcome to the forum. this is a great community for support and answers. i have no answers for you personally, so i won't try to act like i know how you are feeling. i just wanted to say welcome. hopefully someone else can answer your questions. however, i am sure that what you are feeling is a concern that many men feel. have you thought of going to talk to someone about it? good luck in your journey.
amy

[Teagan873]

Hello We are using donor sperm (DS) and my husband (DH) is 100 % fine with it. The whole reason we didn't use DS with our IVF #3 was because our RE (doctor) was all " raw...raw..raw!!" that my DH's sperm would work. Now we regret not using DS. (When RE initially brought up using DS after IVF #1 I was in tears and actually disgusted by the thought....DH was shaking his head like...nope! no way!.)

We were going down the adoption path and recently decided to give "trying" another shot. I'm still not convinced about our "verdict" and want to go down every avenue affordably possible to have our own bio child (and by that I mean at least 50% us). My DH and I discussed it and we were going to try DS with home inseminations and we would mix. I found a bank that would deliver to your home and was all ready to go. During all of this we were talking with our close friends/neighbors and they were very aware of everything we've gone through and what we were about to go through. (DH and I are very open about our infertility and not ashamed of any part of it...everyone knows and after all, it is out of our control.) Long story short...they offered to be our DS (it was wife's idea). So, last week we did our first cycle. It didn't feel weird, uncomfortable, or wrong. We are just so thankful to have friends that will do anything to help us also. (all the legalities are under control too...don't worry .

At first I was nervous to bring it up to DH and when I did...he was so cool about it. He wasn't offended or upset at all. When I brought up the possible issue of who the baby could potentially resemble, he stopped me (actually put his hand up and said stop) and said, "That's not even an issue." His biggest concern was having to feel obligated to be one big happy family...which will not be the case.

You know...I guess initially when you are opened to a new option with IF you think "I don't think I could do that", but after you process it awhile and think of the outcome...I really don't think there is anything you wouldn't do to have your family. So, however we do it...or whatever we endure...we're all after the same thing. We will all get past it and not regret a single minute of it the second we look into their eyes.

So...I wish you all the best and most importantly...peace with your decision. ...Carie

[tamtam]

hi,
My DH(husband) is a man who is suffering from testicular failure, but we don't yet know why. We talk about this a lot and he had issues w/ feeling anger and sadness. He also lost it for a while and we nearly lost each other in the process. However, we have come back from that and decided to use a known donor. My husband and my donor are friends now and donor and I have been friends since high school. It helps dh that donor looks a lot like him. However, he tells me that he appreciates the ability to know the donor. He feels a better connection. He has also made sure he is at the appointment. We talk a lot about this baby being his and treat the child as if it is already growing in me. All of this has helped. We had our first IUI a week ago. He was able to be there an to participate. As for anger and resentment, don't worry, it is a natural process. Just know that nuture of the type of father you will be is more important than the genetics.

Sorry to be long winded... Lastly, we feel that being able to know the donor helps us in the future to know medical issues, to be able to tell our baby that we wanted them so much and here is the person who helped us create you. I love that idea. DH loves that and it has helped him take comfort in the process.

God Bless you and hope you get a soon!!.. if you want to talk to him let me know and I will setup a time for him to come online....

[J*e*n*_78]

fla-golfer!

My husband and I are choosing DS (donor sperm) for a backup in case no sperm are found in his TESE. And yes, he had some of the same emotions as you. He so badly wanted a "little you and me" and would apologize to me, thinking it was his fault.He wanted to try everything possible before using DS ( which yes, is financially trying to say the least) which is where we are right now. He was hesitant to use DS at first, but after we talked about it between ourselves and with our DR. he eventually began to feel more comfortable with it. I told him being biological does not necessarily make you a father as I knew he would be a great father to any child-no matter what. He agreed, he had never really looked at it that way.
Another possible option that was proposed to us by our urologist was using husband's brothers as DS? If you happen to have more than one brother ( or even one they can use)they can "mix them up" so you don't necessarily know which sperm fertilized. That may be an option for you too.My DH has 4 brothers, but all had vasectomies so that was out. He was all for that until he asked them all and found out about the vasectomies.
Sorry,this may not have helped you, but regardless- you have come to a great place for advice and comfort/support with others struggling with infertility.Good luck to you and your wife with your decisions! Keep us posted!

[fla-golfer]

Hey Everyone, thanks for the responses so far. I do appreciate the information. I am pretty much feeling similar to some of the same ways ya'll posted.

I know I am definitely more interested if I use DS, that it not be someone that I know (neighbor, friend, etc.) for now...it may change. Some people feel more comfortable with that because it is someone that they know, but I think right now I feel more uncomfortable with that. I do have brothers, and my wife and I have talked about that option as a possibility. I know my brothers probably would have no problem with that as long as they had no repo problems like me.

I totally agree that no matter what decision we make, I will be 150% devoted to our child.

***I hate that money has to be a huge determining factor in all of this...but I guess we could always try one of these procedures further down the line when finances are more saved up and stable (Once my wife graduates from grad school).

- Poppy, Thanks for the redirect to that other board...got some valuable info there too. My wife and I have been reading some of it. I think your DH is similar to me in that he wanted to "exhaust" all other paths before considering the idea of DS. That was good to know, thank you!

- Ana, Thanks for your words of welcome!

- Teagan, Thanks, I am still not too comfortable with the idea of using DS of people we know outside of family, but I totally agree that before we even consider adoption, DS will be our decision (so that at least it is 50% biologically ours). Your input helped a lot for my wife and I.

- tamtam, I appreciate the offer regarding speaking with your husband...I think the information you put in your post gave me a ton of information for now and I do appreciate it. I think the one thing that I appreciate about your story and others is that no matter the means as to why males have problems...we are all in the same situation (regardless if is a "plumbing issue," biological issue or a chromosomal issue like mine).

- J*e*n, Thanks a lot. It sounds very similar to our situation. Like I said above, at this time my brothers are still an option for us (as long as they don't have the same problem I have)...I am sorry that that was not an option for you two. Hopefully, we will see soon what direction we want to go...thank you again very much for your post.

Again, I do appreciate the feedback and words of encouragement. It does help with the process. Believe me, I definitely believe in all this...I am a psychotherapist...it is just a bit different when it hits home and it is something that you have never experienced before.

I can say one thing for sure. I have never blamed myself or anyone else for this problem. I was born with my chromosomes and I will die with them. I can't do anything to change my DNA. All we can do now is work within this situation...and that is what both of us are trying to do now.

Regardless of our path, we will eventually get to the same destination, and that is what makes us both very happy.
Thank you all!

[Teagan873]

Hi fla

I completely understand your position about knowing the DS. I was torn about it myself so I went online and did searches on "known vs. unknown DS." Obviously the major issue with a known donor is related to legalities. You have to go through more of a process if you don't have an RE do the insemination. I also talked with our DS a lot because I needed to hear from him that he would not "feel" like the Father. If I sensed any hesitation in his responses we wouldn't be doing this at all. I drilled more on that subject than DH did.

The major issue (for me) I found with unknown is the potential for birth defects and sickness (there are links to that type if info in posts on this forum). Primarily because a 20 y/o college kid doesn't know much about his history and the cryobanks don't perform genetic testing. They test for specific diseases (HIV, AIDS, CF, etc.). I'm not saying unknown DS is tainted with a birth defect...it's just the fear of the possibilities that scared me and since we have known DS easily accessible...we went that route. So, our reasons for choosing known DS are financial (free!), health related, and having an open and honest friendship with DS and his wife. Plus, I've seen his family and there won't be "surprises" as far as traits go...I've read numerous complaints about cyrobanks performing baby matching. Trust me, I realize that more unhappy people will post their experiences rather than the happy (because they've moved on with their lives) so I took all of that info with a grain of salt.

Again, I wish you and your wife all the best!

[fla-golfer]

Teagan, that is all very interesting. Some of that I had never thought of before. I wonder if we do decide to go down the DS route, if there are some banks that have done more family history/genetic testing on their donors prior to deposit.

How did your relationship change or not change after asking this other couple about helping you two in this endeavor? Is it wierd to be around them now? I am trying to think of some of our best friends and how I would even feel if that question ever came up. In my mind, I think I would feel uncomfortable, but I guess it is not something I have ever thought about before...

[foxxy]

Fla-Golfer,

We too are using DS. Believe me it, it's not an easy decision at all. My DH is sterile due to chemo and radiation tx he had when he was 4! There are no other medical means for us except DS. DH was extremely bitter and irrate when he 1st got the news, but luckily for me, he is very understanding and unselfish. He accepted the fact that he could never had a bio child, but didn't want me to go through life not having an opportunity to experience childbirth. After he was very accepting, I became reluctant. I had to accept the fact that it was going to happen naturally, as in God's plan. Fortunately, I thought about it, and realized RE's wouldn't be around if it weren't in God's plan, and I came to terms with the fact that if I wanted to become a mom, I had to use medical intervention and DS. If this fails, then we will look at the adoption route if need be.

Good luck to you and your wife!

[Teagan873]

Brent...one thing I highly recommend when/if choosing DS from one of the major cryobanks is to see if they will give you access to their donor registry. I started looking into that, but I stopped because of our offer. The reason being...if you say you're interested in donor #348 you could go on the registry and see if people are listing issues. That is a big reason people use the registries (I don't think it isn't their initial intension, but if there are issues with the child...it ends up to be that way)...especially since the DS wants no contact what so ever if issues are found or not. There have been cases where donor siblings have helped to diagnose rare diseases....most they would never test for. As far as I know...the banks don't do genetic testing at all...it is way too expensive and thousands of rare diseases to test. I would suggest you do your own research on the internet about DS issues. I don't want to come across as being against cryobanks at all...and I just want you to be aware of certain things to look for so you can your wife can make a very informed decision. Also, I have read where many people who use DS request info as to how many children the DS has personally or fathered through donation.

The relationship between all of us (DS, his wife, their 3 y/o daughter, DH, and I) has never been better. We are all very open and get along great. Actually, DS and I talk about it the most. DH and his wife know what's going on ...they just don't want it in their face...you know? DH and DS were watching football together the other day and we were over at their house Friday night having dinner (out to eat) and playing Taboo So really, nothing has changed. We didn't ask them to be donors...they offered to us. I was walking with his wife and she was asking about all of our fertility treatments. I told her our next plan was to use DS and she spoke with her husband about it. She said that if they were in our position...she would want to know the donor. So, she told DS to talk to me about it. I processed it first to see if I could even move forward with it before I mentioned it to DH. I will tell you that if it was any other couple we know...this would not be happening. I don't think we could be this comfortable and open with anyone else (although, I can freely talk to anyone if you haven't noticed . Obviously, that is an extremely important part....being able to talk openly about every step, feeling, or worry.

[AmyK]

Fla-golfer

I just wanted to add my and recommend the book "Helping the Stork". I wish you and your wife all the best on whatever path you decide.

Amy

[1of2mommies]

I know it's not quite the same thing, but my partner and I will be conceiving using donor sperm. Even though there's really no other way for us to go about it, she has very anxious moments when she's worried about the child, me or family/friends perceiving her as not being the "real" parent of our child. I think she worries about not feeling like it's really hers too. But if you consider that many families have adopted children who are not the biological offspring of either parent, and they still feel like "real parents" and that the child is "really theirs"...it's not much different, except that you get the joy of being with your wife through the pregnancy, as her partner and as the proud, soon-to-be-dad, for each and every moment of the child's development. Also, you could consider asking the doctor to let you inject the sperm when it's time for the insemination...we're going to ask our doctor about this...it would give you an actual physical role in the act of conception...
don't know if that helps at all, but you're for sure not alone...

[fla-golfer]

I do appreciate all the words of encouragement. As I know and as most people say, I think it is just a process that everyone has to go through before they accept and fully embrace the decision. With any of these huge life altering decisions or changes, everyone goes through those feelings of anger, denial, despair, but eventually get to the state of acceptance.

Again, i do appreciate all the input into this situation from everyone. One thing for sure is that no matter what decision we make, we are well past what is "normal," and we are completely okay with that

[fla-golfer]

Oh, I was going to ask one more thing, and I do not know if anyone is capable of answering this that visits this board. These are the things you never think of until, of course, you are in one of these situations.

If you have had a successful DS or DE fertilization, have you or will you ever tell your child about it?

If you have, how did they respond and how old were they when you told them?

For those of you that have used DS or DE, and your child is not born yet or too young to understand, what are ya'lls thoughts on this?

In relation, my thoughts are that with many families that adopt children, many of them will tell that child eventually that they are adopted (because in some cases it is impossible to ignore, especially if the child is of a different ethnicity then the parents)...obviously when the time is right...but this is a little different becuase at least half of the child is biological. Right now, I am trying to place myself in the shoes of this situation. I constantly think about what if my parents ever came to me and said that I was conceived using someone elses sperm or egg. Obviously I can't fully embrace that situation, because I didn't go through that. With DS or DE I know you can pick a donor that has many of the same physical characteristics as you, so if you were never to tell your child anything they probably would never think twice about it...but that is something huge to keep from your child. I would almost feel an obligation to tell them...but I don't want to hurt them at all either...help, I'm driving myself crazy!

I know I may be overthinking this, or getting way to far ahead of myself, but I can't stop thinking about some of these things.

Again thank you for all of the responses...