[Newbiewithhope]

So we just got the results to my husband's long awaited testes biopsy and it was a Negative. No sperm.
So now we are going to be stepping down the ds route.
I wanted to ask those who have had experience with ds.. Do you recommend keeping it between the two of you or do you suggest telling your immediate family?
I'm just concerned of some day some family member letting it slip and the child to come will feel betrayed that everyone knew except them.
What do you all think or have you had counselor mtgs where they tell you what is best?

[1of2mommies]

There's a thread from earlier this month where a few of us were chatting about these very things. Maybe check it out. You're definitely not alone with your concerns.

It sounds from your post that you don't plan to reveal to the child that he/she was conceived with the help of a donor. This is, of course, your choice. That said, personally, I beleive that it is mistake to withhold the truth from your child (and therefore also from your family members). I think it is very important for the child to know who he/she is, how he/she came to be part of your family, and if possible, about the person who donated sperm to help him/her become part of your family. The thing is, the truth will probably come out eventually. The child overhears something, finds documents, has unexplainable medical condition/blood type/physical characteristics, or worse, finds out after a parent passes away. Imagine the grief of finding out that you've been lied to about your whole life, by your parents of all people. Not being biologically related to both parents will not make the child any less your child, not in your eyes, or the child's...consider that many, many children are adopted into families where they have no biological relationship, and are still totally the "real" children of those parents.
Please respect the child enough to be honest with him/her...

I know it's not an easy thing to think about, or an easy decision. I wish your family all the best!

[biggsista]

Hi Newbie,
I agree with alot of with what 1of2 said. After deciding to use the doner sperm approach our doctor suggested seeing a social worker in which we did. We decided that some day when the time is right we will tell our child and not tell anyone else until that time. It will not be "secret" but will be "private" between us, up until we can be the first ones to tell our child and nobody else. Everyone else as far as we are concerned will just have to accept it as our way of handling our own private issues. We would rather be the first ones to tell our child than to have someone else blurt it out. No matter who they are. Some people may not agree but it truly is your choice. I do believe honesty is the best policy and we are hoping that nobody asks.."who the parents are" but in all actuallity we ARE THE PARENTS. anywho, good luck in your decisions. I plan on keeping a journal so when and if the time does happen my child can read about our journey and why we made the decisions that we did. Hopefully, he or she will never feel bad about the decisions we made, but maybe in reading he/she will understand the reasoning behind it all.

[fla-golfer]

I agree with 1of2, take a look at an earlier thread that I started titled Donor Sperm Concerns...

We still have to go down the biopsy route if we decide to do that, but I wanted to be proactive in thinking about the DS route as well. My wife and I have already told our family that that is one of our options. I have no problem letting my immediate family know...One main reason is that I have two younger brothers, and I want them to know about everything going on so that they can be aware that they may have to go through these same situations.

My biggest concerns in the other thread, was at what age does a child deserve to know about this. Some people feel that not telling a child ever about it is fine. For my wife and I, we would feel differently. I guess no one knows exactly what they would do until they are thrusted into that position though.

I say determine between you and your husband what you feel most comfortable with and start from there. I am sure that your view points will change throughout the whole process.

Take Care

[Deb94Ag]

We are doing the donor thing right now. My husband had chemo when he was 12 so we are just saying that with his medical history there was not anything. We opted not to do the tese. I am a teacher and half of my class last year was the result of some type of fertility problem including donor eggs. It is really important for us to use the same donor. I think that it will help our kids, knowing they are of the same DNA.

[1of2mommies]

Deb, I think you raised a good point.

These days, with IF being a more prominent concern than ever before, plus with more people starting less "conventional" families (single parenting, same-sex parenting)...there are SOOO many kids who came to their families via donors, adoption, surrogacy...it's quickly becoming normalized, and the stigma attached to it is quickly dissappearing. All good things for both the parents and the child...