[Dawner]

Tina -- so sorry about your BFN. Hang in there. Be sweet to yourself -- go get a massage, eat ice cream, crawl under the covers. I have a friend who went through all of the same stuff we've all been through -- to ultimately adopt twins -- and she would always tell me that "these things have a way of working themselves out with time." I've had to say it out loud to myself often.

Ria -- I think donor cycles vary dramatically as far as cost, how to, etc. But I'll pass on my thoughts.
-- Ask your RE/fertility center for a recommendation. We considered a few donor agencies, but ultimately went with one our RE suggested. We felt we could trust that better.

-- Join RESOLVE... it's a resource for infertiles and may list agencies in your area (though I don't think they can recommend them). Look into support groups and/or events in your area. There may be events that are attended by agencies, etc. and you can learn more, meet people, etc.

-- For us on the west coast... we probably spent between $25-30,000 on our donor cycle. But I don't dare add it all up officially. We noticed one thing that varied with the donor agencies: lawyer fees. You have to pay your lawyer and the donor's lawyer (both typically coordinated by the agency). Some agencies included attorney fees in their agency dues, some did not. It made a difference.

-- In the L.A. area, there were several agencies to choose from with several donors to choose from. I felt like we had a lot of options and never encountered any feeling of having to wait. That said, there were a few donors who made our "short list" who were selected by other couples -- but no one we couldn't live without (if that had been the case, we would have waited till she could cycle again. The Calif-based agencies do feature donors from all over. I imagine there are similar options on the East Coast...

-- On a final note... figure out your criteria early on... decide how much appearance matters (does she have to have your coloring), how much her interests matter, whether you need to go with a proven donor (someone who's not only donated before, but it's resulted in a BFP), if you want someone local (you can use an out-of-town donor, but the cost increases because you have to pay travel and her hometown doctor expenses). My husband and I actually nailed down what was most important to us and applied that to the candidates we reviewed. Otherwise, you'll end up spinning (she's cute... but this other one is so smart). We even made up a point system.

Good luck!

[ria_2008]

Dawner,
Happy Wednesday! Thanks so much for your reply. It gave me some things to think about - esp. in our choosing our donor - some things I hadn't yet thought of. I think the fees on this coast are about the same (from what I'm hearing) - I will be calling our RE today to get more info.

I look forward to being a part of this board - and hearing how everyone is doing.

Ria

[ria_2008]

That's funny - Tia, Lia and Ria - are there any Mia's out there?

[Kathelen]

Tia- Clean out your private messages. I tried to send you one and it appears your messages are full. Delete a few?
Thanks!

[BabySteps]

Ria, glad you can join us

Dawner did an excellent job answering your questions. The costs really do vary a bit.... The fees that go directly to the donor can range anywhere from $5,000 to $12,000. We picked a proven donor who has had previous cycles resulting in pregnancy and she has 4 children of her own. She was more expensive. We did have an issue with many of the embryos not making it to the blast stage, which was disappointing and the doctor could not predict this based on her history...so it really is a gamble. Having said that, I would definitely go with a proven donor.

I began my search by looking into a gazillion agencies online. My RE then gave me a list of ones that he has worked with and I found an agency on that list that had the perfect donor for us. I would ask your doctor if he can provide you with a list. If he can't I would ask why and double check his success and track record regarding egg donor transfers. I went with any agency that had a great website, many donors from across the U.S. and it provided pictures, and information on their medical history, education and work history, personal characteristics and some info on their family background. It made it much easier to browse through all the donors online.

I found a couple of donors I really liked with one agency. I contacted the agency and paid a retainer fee of $1500 which allowed me to put donors on hold until my doctor had a chance to approve their medical history. Having the option of putting them on hold was great because I found the good donors are booked for cycles in advance. Typically they donate for one cycle, take a month off to recover and then they are ready to begin another cycle. If for some reason the donors do not pass their medical the $1500 can be used for another donor but is non-refundable.

It is a great idea to decide ahead of time what you are looking for in a donor. I found that if you go with a good agency all the donors will already be screened very well. For example they have a clear medical history, are educated, good looking, and have passed a psychological evaluation. We chose a donor that looks similar to me. Both my DH and I have really blue eyes so we wanted someone with blue eyes...which lead to someone with a fair complexion, which we both have (except DH is tanned, being a Cali native). I felt confident we chose the right donor when after she had visited my RE for medical testing, both my doctor and his staff told me what a great choice I made because she was even more beautiful in real life and had a kind and friendly disposition.

Good luck with your search!!

[Kathelen]

1. Can anyone give me some info on how to find the donor - what agencies are best?
I am not familiar with any east coast agencies but I found all of the agencies I considered by googling. Let me help you out with some links:
Everything Surrogacy.com - Egg Donation Agencies - This site handles mainly surrogacy, but in their state search it tells which agencies handle egg donors too.
Egg donor, egg donation, ovum donor, ovum donation, surrogacy programs - This is another site that lets you search by state.
As for what agencies are best- I think it will be in your experience when you start talking to them. Our agency took such a personal interest in us and made us feel important.

2. How many donors will we have to choose from?
Impossible to say. But depending on your requirements (appearance, timeline...) it could be from few to many. Sorry to be vague but that is the truth. The more requirements you have, the fewer choices.

3. How much can we expect this will cost -including everything (meds, donor, ivf )
We don't have our grand total yet (our cycle hasn't started), but we are thinking around $25,000.

4. Is there usually a waiting period to get on the donor list? How long does it usually take once we decide to get started?
It will depend on the donor. In our case, we are waiting for our donor to finish a cycle, then we are next. So we are looking at August. But there are donors that may be ready to go--- again it goes back to your requirements. I was told if we found a ready to go donor, it could take up to 6 weeks to start (paperwork, psych consult for donor, testing, etc). But I can't say for sure because we didn't go that route.

Ria, I hope my total lack of concrete information was helpful. But that is just the thing, there are so many answers to the same questions. Whatever the case, I wish you luck in this process. And I agree with you,

it's incredible that we live in a time that this is even possible.

[ria_2008]

Kathelen & Shelley,
Thank you both for helping me to answer all these questions. I'm going to check the sites you suggested. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. I call the RE's office today to get some info about getting started and was told the waiting period is 6 to 12 months. I was disappointed by this - we are ready to get started. I know we can use an outside agency but I understand this is considerably more expensive.
I guess I just need to start doing some research and then go from there.

Thanks again,
Ria

[imagiccat]

ria, I forgot to say... !


My husband and I aren't using an agency, because our RE handles it all in-house, unless you're a couple with such extraordinary needs that it's unlikely the right donor will ever come through. (For instance: you require the donor to be half southeast Asian and half British with blond hair and a PhD in ancient subatomic linguistics...). We're back here using a RE in Atlanta, however.

Does it count that I was born and raised in SoCal, and that every time all you ladies talk about things out there I know exactly what you're talking about?

The price for one donor and one shot at it (for us) is going to be approximately $25,000 back here. Some of it will be paid by insurance, but that's a very small part of it. The bulk is being paid for out of a Capital one healthcare loan, which will then be taken care of by refinancing our home. To us it's more than worth it.

Is there a waiting period for a donor? Well, we've been waiting since March 5th, but expect to be given our choices within the next 3-5 weeks -- which is very exciting!

I think so many of these variables depend on your RE and then hinge on so many other variables... yikes! I'll tell you, the almost two months it's been for my husband and I (to this point) has been both excrutiatingly slow, and also zipped by at the speed of summer lightning. Life, baby. Just like life.

[laurengator]

Lia-

What you have written at the end of your signature is right on:
I answer them,"If I had a sick child or a seriously injured child, I would do anything in the world to save them... I would go into any sort of debt to come up with money for the medical bills, go to the ends of the earth to procure the treatments. Whatever it took, it wouldn't matter what it cost or where it left me at the end. People do it every day for their children, and they never have that 'guarantee'... This IS my child I'm talking about -- this is the child we want. I'm saving its life, I'm bringing it here to me. This child already exists in my heart... How could I not do all this?"

I can't believe someone would ask you such a question, but your answer is perfect.

[parker john]

Originally Posted by Kathelen

Tia- Clean out your private messages. I tried to send you one and it appears your messages are full. Delete a few?
Thanks!

i did ... thanks!

[ria_2008]

Hi Lia,
Thank for the warm welcome - it incredible how great all the women on this board are to one another. And thanks for your response to my questions. We had plans to work with the donors available through our RE's office -but there is a 6-12 month wait - and we are too anxious to get started to wait that long.

Thanks for help and I look forward to being part of this group.
Ria

[imagiccat]

Lauren -- thank you. I've been surprised to have been asked that question by about 5 people now -- all relatives. The last time I was asked, by my father, the words of my answer just poured out of me, out of my heart.

Ria -- the first agency my husband and I went to also said it was about a 6-12 month wait... "and that's if you're lucky!". We chose not to go with them because that just seemed absurd. In the end I'm so much happier having gone to a different one in another city, because I just like these people more.

A couple facing infertility has usually been traveling that road and then coming to the donor decision for some time before they approach the RE about it. In our case it took about two years! Waiting another year for a donor... then maybe another year for a baby -- and yeesh! at MY age?? -- would have been foolhardy at best. I mean, how many tries am I going to get before I hit the age when *no* RE will work with me?

This is an amazing group of women on this board. I'd sing their praises, but I probably couldn't say enough to convey how wonderful they all are. Let's just start with supportive, non-judgemental, encouraging, compassionate...

We are the Leahs and Rachels relying on the Bilhahs and Zilpahs. (Genesis 30). We all understand the longing.

It's a strong bond -- minus the competetiveness.

[BabySteps]

I can remember how it felt to wait for my donor. Looking back though the time did go by quickly. I put 2 donors on hold in early September. (an extra one incase the one I really wanted did not work out) At that time she was getting prepared to do another cycle with someone else in Oct and then had to recover for a month. We had our transfer on Dec 22. So it was 4 months from the time we put her on hold until we basically became pregnant.

12 months is a really long time to wait. I would go crazy because it really is such a gamble anyways. When people ask how much it costs I usually just say A LOT. We paid more then $25,000 ...for sure. It doesn't seem so crazy when it works!!

There was a time when I became impatient with my insurance. My RE told me that I had a bicornuate (heart shaped) uterus. He said that some people can carry a baby ok while others often miscarry because is does increase the odds. I was given the option to have it operated on and fixed or take my chances. I chose to get it fixed but my insurance had a 4 month wait at the time for only a consultation appointment. I did not want to delay my ivf process so I decided to pay out of pocket $5,000, and have my RE do the operation. (he was an honest doctor and encourage me to save money and use the insurance but I just could not wait...plus if the procedure is not done correctly it can really mess up your uterus. My RE does these operations quite often)

I have been so thankful that I had the problem corrected. If I had not it would have cost me some babies...maybe all of them. There is less room with a bicornuate uterus because the top of it has a dip in it. I know for sure that I would not have been able to carry triplets if I had not had the operation!!!

Well, I am not sure what my point is, other than ... it can get really expensive. We joke that I got a 3 for 1 deal but the reality is that it pays to get the best medical help when it comes to something so specialized in ivf with an egg donor. It may be more expensive to begin with but if you are successful and don't have to do it again, you are further ahead.

Good luck searching. I had a lot of time to research the process and it still overwhelmed me. I am thankful every day that it worked out and that it continues to!

Ria your time will come. Just think of it as taking baby steps towards getting your baby

[imagiccat]

Shelley, aren't you just dumbfounded by the roadblocks and hurdles of insurances sometimes??? A DOCTOR tells you that you have a bicornuate uterus which requires help... insurance says "we need a doctor to look at it, so let's wait".

Logically, it seems to me that the insurance should have told you to have it taken care of, and since you'd already been diagnosed by a doctor who could fix it, it should have been a matter of 1-2-3. Please tell me your insurance isn't (*gulp*) Kaiser-Permanente.

Oh well. At least you get your THREE wonderful, perfect, much longed for and loved little babies!!

[malloned10]

Hi everyone,

I posted on the main board with questions and I appreciate the responses. My DH and I are going to be doing DE - it only took us 4 years to wrap our brains around it!! Four years ago when I was diagnosed with DOR we chose to adopt internationally instead of DE. We are now ready for a second child and have decided that this is our road this time around.

I am still waiting for info from my RE about costs. Needless to say, we need to take out a loan and are trying to figure out how much of one we need. Our insurance covers IVF with DE 90% which was very nice to find out! I know that our donors costs will naturally be out of our pocket. So right now this is where we are. I am anxious to get things underway.

We are using a fertility center that offers sharing a donor to help with costs. I am not sure how I feel about that! I know there is a risk of having a cycle cancelled due to not enough eggs to share with the other couple. I also worry about this not working the first time and not having any frozen embryos. What are your thoughts on sharing and have you ever heard of this before?

Thanks everyone!

Jennifer