[mrspaj]

i'm not sure what to do and stumbled onto these forums...hopefully you don't mind if i ramble a bit in this post.

i just can't stop crying today and it sucks that i can't talk to anyone in my real life about this besides my husband...

a year ago i was diagnosed with mild endo, and the lap was followed by 3 months of lupron. when that ended we weren't ready to start trying and was told by my ob/gyn that we were young and had time so i went back on the pill for about 6 months before the pain came back and i had another 3 months of lupron...

since then we waited for my period to reappear and when it never did and my ob/gyn never returned my calls i found a RE who i love. seriously i wish she could be my Dr forever...

anyway i went on provera to get my period going and then on the 46th day after that cycle my next period showed up on its own. bloodwork showed that i've ovulated all by myself (wohoo my body can do something right) but alas no baby...

in 4 days i'm scheduled to have a HSN (saline ultrasound) and in the meantime am back on the pill for 3 weeks while we get all the results. DH's first semen analysis was fine but just for fun they want to do it again when i have my HSN which is fine...

in the meantime i think and cry and think...wish i could stop thinking :-)

two of our good friends have announced they're expecting...i'm happy for them i really am but i didn't realize how hard that would be...DH commented about how now we need to get pg soon so our kids can all play together. He didn't mean anything by it but i totally burst into tears and repeating that it's not my fault and i'm sorry i'm broken...poor dh :-(

so anyways...after these next tests we'll meet with the dr to discuss next steps, but when i spoke with her last week she was leaning towards going straight to IVF. she doesn't want to waste too much time and have the endo start becoming a bigger problem. as it is i'm just in so much pain. it's just exhausting really. this weekend i alternated between taking vicodin, sleeping, waking up and taking more vicodin and going back to sleep....it's no way to live. it just sucks.

but the thought of IVF and injections TERRIFIES me. honestly it does. i just want to have good old fashioned sex with my husband, you know?

like i said before i'm sorry for rambling and if you've read this far i appreciate it. anyone who's gone through this and can offer any advice would be greatly appreciated....i just feel so alone...

[mysillyoldbear]

Mrspaj,

I totally understand where you are coming from! My DH & I have been TTC for 9 years. And believe me... I have heard it all from everyone! When we first got married, we started TTC right away because we knew we would have issues (I had just had a lap and found stage 2 endo and one tube destroyed). We started seeing a DR about our next steps, and I had a HSG (the dye test I think you are having). My tubes were open at that time, but my DH lost his job and we lost our insurance. So we had to put everything on hold. (the economy was really bad at this point). Three years ago I had an emergency Lap, and they found stage 3 endo and a bunch of cysts. (2 were larger than a baseball). They untangled my bad tube, and sent me to a fertility specialist. They said I would never get pregnant on my own, and my only option was IVF. Well, that was $15,000 we didn't have. I felt like I had just lost a child... it was devastating. I cried for months..... I was horribly depressed. I was so angry at God... it was horrible. Then I started having horrible pain again, and ended up in the ER more than once. I was passing out at work from the pain, and could barely make it from day to day. My DR told me I was wasting his time because I wasn't ready for IVF. I was asking him for help for my pain. So once again I was depressed. Finally I found a DR that has been wonderful. He spends 2 hours with me when I go in. I just had my 3rd Lap, and boy I was a mess! It was major surgery, and I was in the hospital over 3 days. I had my DR and he flew in a partner. They both specialize in Endo. They said it was the worst case they had ever seen. They found stage 4 endo, (the worst). I had an endometrioma in my left ovary, my ovaries were attached to each other, (kissing ovaries), and stuck to my uterus. My tubes, intestines, bowel, rectum were all also stuck to my uterus. They said they couldn't even see everything at first because the scarring was so bad. They also found the disease on my bladder, pelvis, ribs and had to check my other organs and heart (I have pictures of my heart which is cool!). I also had a polyp in my uterus, which they took care of. When I woke up, my DR was sitting with me and holding my hand. They tested my tubes during surgery, and by some miracle they were still open. He couldn't explain it... in fact he said they shouldn't be open. So for the first time, we are trying IUI. He said not to get my hopes up, because my organs will never be where they are supposed to be and we may ultimately have to do IVF. But I still have hope. It is something I haven't had in a long time.

But yes..... like you the whole thing terrifies me. What if it doesn't work? I hope it does, but my chances are so small. Well, I can't worry about that. I have to cling to what little hope I have, and have faith that it will all work out.

So I know where you are at. My best friend has had 2 children, who I now love like my own. But she didn't want the second child, and I had to listen to her complain about how miserable she was. It was so hard. I wanted what she had so badly... I would have given both my arms for it. People always ask when we are going to finally have kids, and when they hear we can't they say oh well you can adopt. It drives me nuts. I yelled at someone a few weeks ago... I don't advise that! People think they are offering comfort. But they don't understand. Which is okay. Honestly, I don't want people to understand. Because only people like us truly do, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

The pain does get easier to deal with. It doesn't ever go away. And there will always be people having babies that shouldn't, and those of us who want them so badly can't. It isn't fair. But maybe one day we will be able to help someone in our shoes.

I feel like I have been rambling now! Don't give up hope. One day we will have our children. No matter how we get them, they are still a blessing and we love them just the same. And I know that the day I hold my precious gift in my arms, all this pain will go away and mean nothing anymore.

Don't worry about anyone else... what they think or say. It doesn't matter. They don't understand, and never will. We aren't telling our family that we are doing IUI... it is none of their business.

Sorry if you have fallen asleep while reading this! But you will get through it. If you are having a day and you need to cry, then cry! If you need to scream and punch a pillow, then do it! Go out and buy a great big teddy bear, and hug it tight.

As far as your husband, print off some information for him so he can see what you are going through. My DH didn't fully understand until he read about my disease. And now he is so wonderful and supportive.

Don't let it eat you alive. You can overcome it. And try (I know easier said than done), try not to stress out about it and think about it all the time. If being around others who are pregnant is hard, then distance yourself for awhile. It is okay. You have to take care of you. And the stress really does make it worse. Go get a massage!

I wish you all the best! If you ever need to talk or vent, you can always message me!

[mrspaj]

wow thank you for sharing all of that!! a friend of mine (who unfortunately lives in a different state) has really bad endo like you're describing. thank goodness you finally found a good doctor! what are they doing for pain now? have you started the process for iui? good luck!!

i think that after the responses i've received on this wonderful website (i'm so glad i found it!) if my insurance will really truly cover ivf then we should just go for it. just like i haven't been taking the vicodin daily anymore, so can i handle the injections (i hope!)

it's tough when people announce they're pg...you're happy for them but at the same time wonder when it's going to be you...

at work the other day someone brought their adorable 16 month old boy and the whole time this one other coworker kept looking at me like "someday that'll be your baby" and i just wanted to deck him...

sigh...all the best...

[mysillyoldbear]

Since my endo is so bad, I have developed a very high pain tolerance! I can manage my pain pretty well most of the time, but my body can only handle so much. So I tend to push myself and end up fainting. I do have some pretty heavy drugs at home, but I can't take them and work so I try to just get through it if I can. I firmly believe you can handle anything you put your mind to... mind over matter!

I know what you mean about being happy for pg people! I have several girls around me at work that just had babies. But now I just love on them when they bring them in... helps that baby itch just a little! Makes my heart throb too, but I soak up as much as I can anyway.

I am getting ready for my first IUI. I am done with the Clomid, and waiting to ovulate! Should be anyday now. I am super excited... but even more nervous!

Does your insurance cover IVF? That would be wonderful! Mine doesn't at all. They pay for a small bit of the IUI, so that helps a little.

Next time that little baby comes in, just love on him and turn your back on your co-worker!

[tryingtobestrong]

ttc long term...with complications...is the hardest thing i have ever done. I used to think that i was pretty tough, not much of a crier, able to deal with what happened in life...and then we passed the 6 month mark...the 12 month mark and the 18 month mark...and still we keep on trying.

I don't have endo...i have an unspecified auto immune disease...this means that what they feel is happening that i am getting pregnant and my super duper immune system is killing it instantly.

After i had started seeing my FS i mentioned there was a Rheumetologist that i really wanted to see but every time i had called (over the last 6 months) i was told her books were closed...my FS called her and then the next day she (yes, her not the secretary) and booked me in that same week. She is the bomb...and i can not reccommend enough finding a doc that you love that specialises in your area...it makes the world of difference.

She put me on a trial treatment ...meant an extra 2 injections a day...every day...but hell..once you have counquered the mind and said *yes, i can inject myself* it becomes amazingly easy. Its not fun...but it is very possible and just become another part of you day.

I do know why you want to try the good old fashioned sex method...but hey, with IUI you can have that too.

For my husband and I...starting IUI actually gave us back our sex life. Sex had become about trying to have a baby and after so long we were feeling like dreadful failures at that...sort of took some of the fun out of it. Now...as we don't associate it with having a baby...its much more fun again...weird yes, but what ever works!

We are at the end of our 3rd treatment...and are facing the decision of whether IVF will work and if we can risk the failure over the money. It is such a big decision, i can not imagine how i would feel paying out so much money and then still not having that bfp...

i guess i have not helped....just rambled more...i wish you much luck with your decision and i hope you get your bfp in 2009

[mrspaj]

don't feel bad about rambling...lord knows i do it!

i think finding these boards and being able to vent my feelings has been a huge help in relaxing me...not really "relax" per se but just accepting that this is what it is and now how do we fix it...less "woe is me", for now at least

[wntacambaby]

You are not alone at all....I was diagnosed with Stage IV endo at 27yrs old in 3 years I have had 2 surgeries..I have tried countless attempts with IUI and IVF with my eggs and I'm a bad responder and my endo was on my bowel, bladder, ovaries, everywhere and I have adeno in my uterus wall but its not too bad there yet...basically my endo was so bad it ate away at my ovaries and now I have premature ovarian failure at 30 and beginning my 1st cycle (and hopefully last!) with donor eggs so that DH and I can have a family....I hear you on the pain issues...My dr said I had the worse he has ever seen and shocked I didnt feel anything apparently I built up a tolerance and never even had a clue I had endo in there.

Just wanted to let you are not alone and there are options out there....good luck!!!!