Hi.
I am not sure where to even begin...I had my first counseling session earlier today, and my therapist thought that it would be a good idea to find someone to talk to about everything that my husband and I are going through, so here I am...I thought that this chat seemed fitting...I just turned 25 in March and here is my story...

This last year has been the worst year of my life. I had a miscarriage last June, several days after my second wedding anniversary. My husband and I were not planning a child at that point...I was on the pill. We both dealt with it fine. I believed that for some reason that baby was not ready to be here on earth with us. I was ok becuase we wanted to wait another year before starting our family, there was plenty of time for babies. I had to have a D&C procedure two days after I miscarried because the bledding would not stop. During this procedure my doctor found reason to believe that I had some tumors that were causing the trouble and sent me to have an ultrasound and to another OBGYN. I had the ultrasound and went to the new doctor who confirmed that I had two quite large tumors in my uterus that caused me to loose the baby and caused my bleeding troubles. I was hysterical. My mom had tumors with my younger sister and was unable to have anymore children...the only way they could remove tumors then was a hystorecotmy...i was terribly frightened that I would have to have one. To my relief, the doctor told me that they would be able to remove the tumors and I would have no problem starting a family.

I found another doctor in my hometown for a second oppinion. After a short consultation and ultrasound he confirmed that they would be able to remove the tumors, through a surgery called a Myomectomy, and I would be fine. We made the decision to have the myomectomy, and scheduled a surgery date for September. I had to have ultrasounds done every two weeks to moitor the growth of the tumors. I had the surgery in September, they removed one tumor that we knew was there, and another one on the outside of the uterus that we were unaware of. The second tumor that we knew about was unable to be removed becuase of its location. The surgery was supposed to be 2 1/2 hours and ended up taking 5 1/2. The doctor left the operating room and delived the news to my husband that we would be able to have 10 babies if we wanted to. We were thrilled.

I went back for a follow-up exam a few weeks later and the doctor delivered the bombshell that the tumors that they removed were Atypical (cancer-causing) tumors. These are very very rare. My doctor has been in practice for 30 years and this was his first case of atypical tumors. He said that these are very dangerous becuase they can go into cancer at any time...without our knowledge. He told me that he thought that I would be ok and still be able to have children after at least a year of recovery. He scheduled me for ultrasounds every three months to monitor the growth of the tumor still remaining and to watch for any new growths. My first ultrasound came in December. I was so nervous, I just knew we would have bad news. My family doctor received the ultrasound first and called a couple of weeks before Christmas to let me know that everything look good...no new growths and the tumor had not grown any since surgery. I had the results forwarded on to my OBGYN who did my srugery just so that he could be kept in the loop. January 6th I received the most devastating news of my life. My OBGYN called and said that he had reviewed the ultrasound done in Dec and the tumor had grown significantly. He recommend that we do a hytorectomy ASAP. He said that with growth such as this he was very worried that it was turning into cancer. We had a second opinion with a cancer specialist, and he agreed. We were playing with fire, and it was going to end up burning us. So, my husband and I made the most difficult decision, and decided to have a hystorectomy. In February I had the surgery. Thank the lord it had not turned to cancer yet, but my doctor said had we not had all of this trouble it would have killed me within a year.

With news like that, I knew that this had all happened for a reason...to save my life. However, now that everything has calmed down again, I am so upset that I can hardly stand it. I am so jealous of pregnant women, it hurts to be around them...I can't stand hearing the questions..."when are you due...how far along are you...do you know what your having..." I hear them and know that I will never be asked those questions...I will never get to feel a baby move inside of me...all of those precious things that come with pregnancy I will never get to experience. I know that I don't want to live a life without children in it...I am definitely thinking of adoption, but not positive that that is what my husband really wants to do. I just can't help feeling sorry for myself...at 25 I shouldn't be going through things such as this...I was glad to find that I am not the only one who has gone through this...can anyone help me cope with this?? How did you get beyond the sadness?? How did you learn to live with it?? How do you deal with pregnant women that you know?? Any help would be appreciated...I am so hopeless right now...

EmilyKi

I have unexplained infertility. It is extremely frustrating not to have a known reason why we have not been able to conceive. It is still hard every month to get my period. Every month it's like a slap in the face - "Ha ha, another period with no baby. I'm just doing my thing in your body, making you miserable for a week every month. Neener neener." I say on the outside that I have no hope of getting pregnant and have moved on, but inside, I cry every month when my secret hopes are dashed again.

In some ways, I envy you your hystorectomy. You don't have to endure the sadness every month any more, always wondering if you "could be". You don't have to have a period any more that indicates another chance to conceive has gone down the loo. You know why you can't get pregnant. You have made a clean break of sorts and can move on - and you will.

I have known since I was young enough to remember that God put me on this planet to be a mother. I love children, and so many family members and friends over the years have always said what a great mother I'm going to be.

My husband and I, even before we married, knew that we would consider adoption, whether or not we could conceive on our own. And I always knew that if we had trouble conceiving, IVF and other procedures could help us get pregnant.

When I met my husband, who is a Catholic, we decided that our children would be raised Catholic. So, I became a Catholic and have embraced my religion and my church. But the Church is against IVF and most other advanced infertility treatments, and my husband was not in favor of pursuing infertility beyond the means deemed acceptable to our Church. So, effectively, our only option at that point was adoption.

I was devastated that I would never carry my husband's child and feel that life inside me, or gaze at my child's newborn face, searching for my nose or his eyes. It was a very tense time in our marriage for me to let go of my dream of getting pregnant. I was all for IVF and other things, but could not proceed. We agreed to take our fertility treatments only so far and then proceed with adoption.

In the time that he and I have been married (4 years), I have had many friends and family members have babies, and it's always hard. Smiling and being happy for someone on the outside but insanely jealous deep inside. Why them and not me? I've even been sure that God was punishing me for the not-so-good-girl ways of my youth. I've blamed myself for our inability to conceive, and I've secretly blamed my husband for it. I've drank from the same cup as a pregnant woman (my sister-in-law), sat in their chairs, thought positively, relaxed, meditated, and have done almost every other crazy thing anyone ever suggested I do to become pregnant. In fact, I got to the point that if one more person told me to "just relax", I was going to punch their lights out.

I am 35 years old, and my husband is 45. We are the proud parents of two wonderful adopted babies. Aidan is 18 months and Makena is 3 months. We are parents now, which is really all we ever really wanted. Sure, it's definitely not parenthood the way we hoped, but it's parenthood. And I love my children beyond measure. In fact, they are so perfect that I doubt, considering my gene pool, that I could have made better, more beautiful kids. Adoption has brought the joy that we were after into our hearts and into our home.

I still have a rough time every month, and I still ache inside every time I see a big-bellied mom-to-be. I don't think that will ever really go away. And now people are saying "Now that you've got these babies home, I bet you get pregnant." Button your lip, well-meaning person! It ain't gonna happen!

But I didn't simply give up my dream of getting pregnant. I realized that the goal is to be parents. The road everyone travels to get to that point is unexpected, bumpy, devastating and rewarding, though not always in that order. Expect the unexpected, and go forth, young person.

You and your husband need to mourn your loss, but I sincerely hope you don't give up the dream of parenthood. Your child might now grown under your heart, but he/she will grow in it. I think that for those of us who can't conceive - uterus or no uterus - God made birth parents. If it wasn't for the two selfless women who gave our children life, we would not be the happy, smiling people we are today.

May God help you with your healing.

Your infertile friend,

Tina

EmilyKi-
I am so sorry to hear of your suffering - I hope that the surgery will be worth it and you will receive a great prognosis for your future health.

You are not alone in your feelings about not having biological children although I am sure it feels that way sometimes. We can not have biological children either and it was devastating news to deal with. It's hard still on an ongoing basis when you feel like you are left out of the mommy club - people automatically start talking about their children or childbirth etc - I feel like 1) I don't have anything to offer to this conversation 2) this is painful and these people have no idea 3) if I tell them then it's just embarrassing and awkward and I'm not looking for sympathy just another topic.

I was in a really horrific relationship before I met my husband and there was a lot of drama trying to get out of it - up until that point it was the most difficult time in my life. Since I have been with my husband I have always thought if it hadn't been for that experience I wouldn't have met him. I would relive that difficult time 100 times over for the happiness my husband brings me now. I try to equate that with our current infertility. We are in the process of adopting. It's not exactly an easy road either but I figure that when we have a child in our house - it will be worth everything we have gone through and I would do it again and again. I read a quote (I think it was from Brooke Shields!) that said infertility taught me the difference between wanting a baby and being a mother. I know I won't have the experience of being pregnant and that pains me - but when I start thinking about that I try to redirect my thoughts and think about what my life will be like with my adopted child and how I can't wait for that.

When we found out about our infertility my boss had just lost his 3 month old daughter, my close friend's husband (who had a 6 month old) moved out and just recently my husband's friend took his own life. Nobody's life is perfect. My close friend has a beautiful son but not the husband I treasure. My boss had the picture perfect family and woke up one day and it was shattered. My husband's friend left 4 children without a father and a lot of friends who can't understand why he wouldn't reach out to them. I try to put it all in perspective. You certainly need to take the time to deal with your grief, but you can't linger on it. You need to live your life you just saved.

Hang in there - it does get better.

Emily,
You'll find lots of support here. I too had unexplained infertility,
I also had tumours and had a myectomy (so long ago now that I'd forgotten how to spell it!!). Mine were benign and the doctor told me I'd get pregnant within 3 months - never happened. I was about 29 years old when I started on the journey into infertility, and I went thru a lot. Surgeries, drugs, IVF. Still unexplained. We started the adoption process about the same time as the first surgery, 'just in case'. I was 36 when we adopted our daughter. I also got the comments, Now you'll get pregnant for sure.
I agree with Tina, your hysterectomy means you no longer have to struggle with 'trying to get pregnant'. No more monthly reminders! You'll have to get to a point where you accept infertility and move on to becoming a parent.
I went thru the jealousy and even now sometimes feel a little hurt when someone I know is pregnant. It IS a loss, but it isn't the end.
The pain, anger, fear, mostly all went away when we adopted. I guess maybe because the doctor still said my inferility was unexplained, there was always the possibility I'd get pregnant, and so maybe I didn't have to deal with infertility the way you need to. But we did move to a place where we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to be pregnant. One door closed, another one opened.
I hope you'll be able to get to that place. You are young enough that your clock isn't ticking as loudly as mine was!!! and my only regret now is that I waited so long, hoping to become pregnant, that by the time we could've adopted a second child, I felt I was too old - I also felt that I'd be greedy asking for a second, but anyway, if I could do it over again, I would have started sooner and adopted a second child.
Anyway, you'll find lots of people here who have been there, done that. I can't tell you how to accept infertility but by coming here, I think you're on your way.
Being a parent is more than being pregnant. Just remember that!
Babs

Dear New-Found-Friends-

I can't tell you how much your messages mean to me...it doesn't feel quite so hopeless when I know that there are other people out there who have gone through the same heartaches and now have wonderful families and full lives...but who still have the ache of not knowing pregnancy...I have always felt as though there were reasons for this happening to my husband and I...obviously there is a baby out there who needs my husband I as much as we need him/her. Again, Thank You for your kind words, your wisdom, but most importantly for giving me the strength to get through another day and give me the courage to do more research to make our family complete.

Sincerly,
EmilyKi

I haven't been through the same thing you've been through, but I do know there are tens of thousands of babies in the world who need parents, and more born every day. I agree with one of the other posters who said that her focus changed from the goal of becoming pregnant to becoming a parent, and that there is still a loss to mourn in giving up the dream of feeling that new life move inside you, etc.

I adopted as a first-time mom at the age of 47. Sometimes I wish God had let me know earlier in my life that this was the plan! It would have saved me a lot of heartache about looking for the right man, whether to try to have a child on my own, etc. But I sometimes think that all those times I was wishing for a baby - either when I hoped I was pregnant, or when I considered artificial insemination, or when I considered adoption previously - I sometimes think that my little girl is all of those babies, rolled into one, and she is so special and wonderful, that if my life had been different in any respect, I wouldn't have wound up with her as my daughter, and that would truly be something to mourn.

I don't think you should rush the process of grieving. But I do think you'll be surprised when you do start seriously exploring adoption at how many people you already know who turn out to either be adopted themselves, have adopted siblings, or who have become adoptive parents themselves. Everybody has a brother, or an aunt, or a cousin, or a coworker, friend from college, etc., who has adopted. It's much more common than you would imagine, and it's every bit as legitimate and fulfilling a way to become a family. You're very young still, and you have plenty of time to assimilate this whole experience and decide what you want to do to move on.

When you do get ready to start exploring adoption, you may want to try spending some time around some families who have adopted. If you contact an adoption agency, they can probably refer you to some families who've adopted who would welcome the opportunity to get to know you. Sometimes being around other couples and their adopted babies & kids can make it feel so much more real to you as a possibility.

Best wishes to you. The most important thing you can do right now for your future children is to safeguard your health. There truly are so many children who need parents that it is staggering; after returning from Russia, I almost had the same feeling as when I went to an animal shelter once & realized the enormity of the problem -- makes you really aware of the overwhelming need for somebody to take care of all those children.

EmilyKi-Sometimes we can tell ourselves all the right things and arguments but your heart still isn't there yet. Like Manon said you need to give yourself some time. Early this morning my friend gave birth to twins so I went to see her at lunch. The visit was great but just before I left her parents and grandmother (who is also very close with my family) came in to see the children for the first time. All the questions about the delivery, and who the children looked like - well that kinda got to me so I made my exit. I didn't stop to think that the visit might be a little hard I just went. Sometimes things like that are going to happen you'll see or hear something that makes you upset. It's okay - it happens. 6 months ago I probably would have burst into tears on the spot so it does get better. It definitely helps to know others out there feel the same way.

As I am sitting here reading all of the previous posts, I find myself crying. I see myself in all of you. My husband and I started trying to get pregnant right after our 1st wedding anniversary. Nobody else in my immediate family has had trouble getting pregnant, so I thought that it would be as simple as going off the pill. Well, one month passed, and then another and another. I decided to start charting (BBT). I faithfully charted, didn't drink a drop of alcohol, ate healthy, took folic acid and vitamins. I thought that for sure if I proved that I wanted a baby badly enough that I would get pregnant. Discovering month after month that I was not was the worst pain in the world, both psychologically and emotionally. I would get my hopes up each month. Ooh...am I overtired because I could be pregnant? Ooh...I think that I feel nauseous. Ooh... I'm two days late, I must be pregnant. Then the devastating, telltale signs of my period. I would be depressed for days.

And all around me my friends were all getting pregnant, one after the other. There was a span of 6 months where there were 8 babies born all around me. I thought that I was going to have a breakdown. I smiled and put on a face in public, but inside I was crying. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I began to resent all of those women who seemed to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I was very mad. I was angry at God for giving children to them and not to me. It killed me to hear that another person was pregnant, or to see them with their big bellies, talking about their ultrasounds, or their labour, or whatever.

This past year I have found out that I have endometriosis. I had laparoscopic surgery to remove the endometrial tissue, but there was too much, the doctor couldn't get at it. I was put on a very strong drug to shrink the tissue. The doctors tell me that due to the severity of the endometriosis, I was not able to conceive because there was no room on the wall of my uterus for an embryo to emplant. They keep reassuring me that after the drugs have done their thing that I should have no problems conceiving, but how do they know? My mom had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 34 due to endometriosis. I am 27 and I have never had a baby of my own. I haven't even known the joy of being pregnant. I want to feel the life of my child growing within me. I want to look at a child and see my husband's eyes and hear their little voice call me 'Mommy'.

Since discovering my medical issues and being on drug therapy, I have come to a peaceful understanding within myself. I know that there is no way that I can conceive at this time, so I am not hoping and praying each month for a miracle. Even though I thought that I was over it, a good friend of mine phoned last week and told me that she is 8 weeks pregnant with her second child. Although I was happy for her, as soon as I got off the phone, it felt like a lead weight had just been dropped in my chest. I was jealous. Purely and completely jealous. Why couldn't that have been me? Why is life so unfair? I guess the feelings never really go away, but you will learn to deal with them in time.

I guess the biggest thing to realize is that God has a plan for each and every one of us. If you believe in him and are patient, he will reveal his plan in time. Although it is very hard to wait when everything is unknown to us, we will know after it happens. My sister-in-law, a very spiritual woman, had difficulty getting pregnant also. After 3 years of trying, she conceived her son, my beautiful nephew. When I told her of my problems, she cried for me, knowing how I felt, but she assured me that when the time was right, I too would know the love of a child. If she had given up hope our family would not have our wonderful little boy. If she had gotten pregnant at any other time, she might not have had him. He belonged to her, and she waited for him. Looking back on it, she wouldn't have it any other way. So, what I'm trying to say is that somewhere out there is a baby waiting to be loved by you. Whether you give birth to it or it is placed in your arms by someone else, it will be a gift from God.

God bless all of your hearts. You are truly beautiful people inside. May some lucky child somewhere know the joy of your love.

EmilyKi~ I am so sorry for all you have been through. I also had the worst year of my life last year. I am 26 now. I went to the doctors for a routine check up them my Husband and I went out to dinner that night. After calling my mom to tell her my apt went well I got the worse phone call ever! It was a Doctor at the Hospital close by calling about my lab results that I had done earlier that day! He told me that I needed to get to the hospital right away! I was like what's wrong??? Basically my lab results showed something very wrong with my blood platelets. A healthy adults platelet count should be at around 200-400. I was at 18. Basically ICU low. I never even knew it! I also was very scared! After going in and having a bunch a test done. They were testing me for everything from cancer to hiv. Which I was very Freaked out about!

My test results showed that I have a pretty uncommon autoimmune disease. Its where my body is confused and kills off my platelets like they are bad for my body. So, Now for the rest of my life I have to worry about bleeding to death. Or trying not to get into a car accident. ( I love it when the dr's tell me not to get into an accident!)

I have talked with my Hemo Doctor about having kids and being pregnant. Basically, I will be High Risk my whole pregnancy. I also can pass the antibodies along to my baby. I also have to worry about having the baby with no platelets. Theres a whole list of things that can go wrong once I am pregnant. You just never know with my disease. I can also go into remession with my disease while pregnant and never have a problem.

Since the risk our higher with pregnancy. My husband and I are also thinking about going the adoption route. We want kids. Of course it upsets us both very much that we can't have our own. With my first mc I had a D&C and my platelets dropped VERY FAST during surgery!

Kids are a gift from god.. No matter how they come to you!

Hello All!

Don't give up. I have had 5 IUI's, 1 IVF, 1 cancelled IVF.......Finally gave up and yes I was very depressed, but decided I was not giving up on being a mom. I am now blessed with a beautiful little boy who we adopted through a private attorney and a beautiful little girl who we adopted through an embryo adoption. Talk to everyone you know and let them know you are interested in adoption. We started the adoption process in January of 03' and our son was born in June of 03'. The right people knew that we were interested (and we are not rich, so that wasn't a factor).

Several months after IVF didn't work (June 02'), I met with my doctor to find out our options. He basically said it was unlikely IVF would work and he didn't want me to keep putting myself through it. I had heard about embryo adoption and asked him about it. I was advised they don't get many embroy's given up for adoption, but that he would keep me in mind. (If you consider this make sure the physicians nurse knows, as that is the one who will usually know first!!!). Well ....we knew we were getting our son in June or July and wouldn't you know it... In May, I got a call from the nurse, they had 12 embryo's, I would get 6 and another patient would get 6..... We had to go for it. In August, I was implanted with 2 of the 6 embryo's and to my surprise I was pregnant.

I have to say they are both wonderful, so I can honestly say...You will love the child no matter what. I love my little boy sooooooo much, there just aren't words to express how much. I was very fortunate to have experienced pregnancy, but the anticipation of the adoption was just as much fun.

I guess what I am really trying to get across here is don't give up. Set your goal of adoption and don't let anyone get in your way!!!