Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum, however, I'm not new to situation of infertility. I have been married for 11yrs. My husband & I were the age of 24 & 25 when we started to try to conceive, but to no avail we ended up in the infertility clinic, going through so many test & 2 surgeries, only to find out that the only way for us to have a child would be via IVF, and that would even be a miracle. It has now been 8yrs. past. We are not sure we want to try IVF, considering the chances of the outcome, but, for the outrages cost, and also for spiritual reasons.
Although I must say, regardless of how much faith you have, it is very depressing & lonely, and that ever lasting question of "Why Me" is still ever present in your mind. I have read some of the "why me" post, and I can relate very well to their feelings. To me, it's like that feeling never gives way regardless of how much you talk about it. I feel this pain ever so present today as I did the day I found out. That day was the most horrible day of my life, I didn't know what or how to tell him and I didn't know what type of response I was going to get, I was scared, confused, sad & filled with absolutely nothing but a giant whole in my heart.....I have really never spoken to anyone about my feelings on this subject, because it's hard for anyone not going through this, to really understand your sadness & emptiness. Although, he has tried to show compassion & understanding, I have tried to explain to my husband that he doesn't really understand what it's like to be the barren one with birthdays passing so quickly, he doesn't understand what it feels like to be the one depriving someone you love so deeply of something that everyone around you has, except you. I jsut feel so sad all the time, especially when I see the look in his eyes that sparkle with a gleam of happiness that quickly turns to a look of sadness, as we watch our younger siblings build their families right before us, knowing that we both share the same thought of just wishing & praying for "just one"....I also must say he is a very strong will person and keeps his faith in the Lord, but I'm just so scared (for lack) that nothing will ever happen, and he will be let down immensely & filled with the loneliness & sadness that I feel now, and that is a pain I would never wish anyone.... I just don't know where to project my energy anymore, I have tried to face the fact that this is how it was intended from the beginning, but there is always, just that little ray of hope, that maybe one day your prayers will be answered....I'm trying my hardest to keep the faith, but it is becoming harder as the years roll by......Sorry, for getting off topic, it's like I said, the pain is still ever present....anyone with any advice that might help soothe the pain feel free to email me. As I have been facing this pain alone in my own little world...

I'm just glad I stumbled onto this site....

Annabella,

I know what you are feeling. I have had problems with ovarian cysts since I was 12 years old. I eventually stopped getting monthly cycles all together. I was diagnosed with PCOS, and had to have lapriscopic surgery to remove cysts, endometriosis, and have fallopian tubes repaired. Tried to get pregnant using fertility drugs and IUI cycles, which didn't work. Then I found out that I had 2 huge cysts (one on each ovary) that grew back, and Dr. had to put me back on birth control pill. I don't want to keep having surgery to get "cleaned out" every 3 to 6 months, just to keep going through fertilility cycles.

Rather than dealing with a lifetime of dissapointment and health issues, my husband and I decided to go for adoption, since we are still young (26) and main goal is to become parents no matter what. My husband has been very supportive, and accepting of the fact that I am the one with all the fertility issues (he was tested and is in perfect baby-making condition). We wanted to head in a positive direction and give ourselves something to look forward to, so we just began the adoption process.

Do I still feel like a failure at times? I'd be lying if I didn't say yes. However, now that I have something positive to work towards, the hurt is going away a little bit each day.

Tracyangle,

I would like to tell Thank You, for replying to my thread, your most welcomed response has made me not feel so alone, because I also signed up in this forum to share the pain of others, such as yourself. I too, went through the surgeries, up until it got to the point where they ended up taking one of my ovarie's & one of my fallopian tube's. I am only left with one blocked tube & one ovary. At first I really had a hard time accepting, that part of me was missing, but it took alot of convincing that with just one ovary & tube and by the grace of God, that anything was possible, and I put my faith into that. Now, without saying it, I feel somewhat let down after so many years pleading, but at the same time, I feel if we were to go through adoption, somehow I feel, I would be turning my back on the Lord. So, between my brain & our faith, I am left at almost a stand still. My husband does try to be supportive of me and tells me, he would never leave me for that reason and that it doesn't matter, if I cannot have children, and that, that was not the reason he feel in love with me, but I can't help to feel so guilty of making a person with his love & affection suffer a lifetime of lonliness on my acct. ... I know, I'm just going on and on, but it's just that I've kept these feelings inside for so long, it just comes out...my apologies...

However, I would like to congratulate you & hubby on your decision to adopt. I know that you two will be very caring & loving parents. I wish you the best and I will pray for your happiness & well being.....May God always bless you & keep you in his hands.....

Sincerely,
Annabella

Hi Annabella-
I just thought I would I would throw my view of things out here for you to think about - Here is our situation - short story is DH has super low sperm count and our only way to have bio children would be through ICSI and even that was a pretty big if. We found out over a year ago and both of us were devasted.

While techically/biologically I could (theoretically) have children I truly feel like this is OUR issue - not just DHs. I have never ever ever ever for one second thought I could have children if I was with someone else. I know I am meant to be with my husband and we are meant to have a family - I KNOW THAT - like I know the sun will come up every morning. I don't every think my DH is less of a person or can't give me something because of this - it could just as easily be me - and to tell you the truth - I can't imagine feeling more awful than I do that we can't have biological children and I won't be able to experience a pregnancy - but I don't ever blame him or think it's because of him.

Now over a year later we are in the process of adopting a child and we couldn't be more excited about it. We found out all we could about doing ICSI and made the decision not to bother and go straight to adoption. We have never regretted the decision and we are very excited for the arrival of our future child. We are not overly religious people but we feel that this is what God has planned for us and what He wants us to do. Sometimes it is still difficult when we think that we can't have children naturally - but it isn't nearly as hard as it was before and I think that's because we are in the process of adopting and we WILL have a child soon. Many people have said that once they brought their child home a lot of those feelings went away. I expect some of them never will completely go away but it will get better and we will have the family we dreamed about - our path will just be different than we thought.

Anyhow I guess I had a couple points I wanted to make to you:
1) You seem to have guilt about letting down your husband which is of course normal and I know my DH felt guilty too -but maybe your DH feels like me and really doesn't care who the problem is with - that you are in this together and that you have not failed him (because you have not!!!)
2) You wrote that to go thru adoption you might be turning your back on the Lord - have you ever considered that maybe adoption is His plan for you?
3) you also wrote you don't know where to project your energy anymore - I know that I threw myself into researching adoption and agencies - I finally felt like I could do something about the situation rather than waiting for IVF cycles or reading that stupid stick every month. Also seeing children now we think - we will be doing those things soon rather than we may never do that....

I am certainly not trying to tell you what to do - you have to do what is right for you and your husband. I just thought another perspective might provide you some comfort - especially about the guilt - no one's life is perfect - everyone has issues - infertility is just ours. It sounds like you have a very wonderful caring husband. I do too and believe it or not this whole journey has only brought us closer together and strengthened our marriage when I didn't think it could get any better.

Best of luck!!
Karen