[Believe]

Hi, I am 31 years old and have been married for 6 years. My husband and I wanted to finish graduate school, get jobs, buy a home, and then start our family. I am healthy, I exercise, eat organic, don't drink, never smoked, and the list goes on.

We finally finished graduate school, got jobs, bought our first home, and are parents to a golden retriever. We bought the home, because when I walked through it, I saw the oak staircase leading from the foyer to the upstairs, and imagined Christmas morning. Four kids (which I already named - years ago) and our dog, sitting on the stairs, the fireplace going, the Christmas tree lit, and presents from Santa.

One year later...unable to conceive, diagnosed with optic neuritis, severe endometriosis, and Hashimotios' Thyroiditis. One round of infusion therapy, MRI to test for MS, three months of steriods, loss of vision in one eye for three months, one laproscopy surgery, several visits to the lab for blood work, and an uncomfortable ultrasound on my thyroid. And, still no baby.

I feel like crying every day. My husband and I are arguing constantly. I feel like a failure. I can't get out of bed on day 30 of my cycle, becasue I know I am going to see blood. And each 30th day of my cycle, I feel like I lost another baby.

I can't walk to the end of our hallway, because that is where the "kids" rooms are. That is where the picture books are, the books I have been collecting for my babies since I got marreid 6 years ago. The books that are signed by the authors and illustrators to my unborn babies. That is where the diaper bag I bought is, the Christmas snow globe.

Does it get easier?

[sarah16]

Welcome, well I've been dealing with this for 4 years and it hasn't gotten any better. I do know that I feel better when I'm actively doing something to see why I can't conceive. Are you seeing a specialist or just your OBGYN? I would suggest seeing someone else if you are just going to your regular doc. Are you against IVF?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Believe]

Sarah, sorry to hear that you have been dealing with infertility for four years. I'm glad to see that you are looking at adoption.

I have seen an infertility specialist. She is the one who did the laproscopy surgery, and diagnosed me with severe endometriosis. I also saw an endocronologist. He is the one who diagnosed me with Hashimoto's. My husband has been to a urologist, everything okay with him.

My infertility specialist suggested IVF, but we can't afford it. We started looking into adoption, and we can't afford that either. I guess we just wait and see.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

[cgong1]

Believe,

I read your post and it made me very sad for you. It sounds like you have all of your ducks in a row and both have graduate degrees. Have you considered looking for a job in a state that requires the employer to cover IVF in the insurance plan? There is also what is called a shared risk program that is affordable (for IVF). I don't think you should give up!

[sarah16]

Believe, have you thought about foster to adopt programs? You take 8 weeks of classes and then the adoption is free.

[Believe]

Thanks for the advice. My husband and I have already considered relocating to a state that covers IVF. We decided to keep trying the old fashioned way for awhile longer. Maybe the medications I am on will help regulate my hormones and allow me to conceive.

Sarah, thank you for the information on foster parents to adoption. We will talk with our local adoption agency to see if this is an option for us

Yesterday was day 30 for me, and always very hard. I am feeling more optimistic today.

[sarah16]

I'm glad that you are feeling better. This forum is great because my friends and family are sick of hearing anything infertility. They think I should be "over it" by now.

[Krista]

Originally Posted by Believe

Hi, I am 31 years old and have been married for 6 years. My husband and I wanted to finish graduate school, get jobs, buy a home, and then start our family. I am healthy, I exercise, eat organic, don't drink, never smoked, and the list goes on.

We finally finished graduate school, got jobs, bought our first home, and are parents to a golden retriever. We bought the home, because when I walked through it, I saw the oak staircase leading from the foyer to the upstairs, and imagined Christmas morning. Four kids (which I already named - years ago) and our dog, sitting on the stairs, the fireplace going, the Christmas tree lit, and presents from Santa.

One year later...unable to conceive, diagnosed with optic neuritis, severe endometriosis, and Hashimotios' Thyroiditis. One round of infusion therapy, MRI to test for MS, three months of steriods, loss of vision in one eye for three months, one laproscopy surgery, several visits to the lab for blood work, and an uncomfortable ultrasound on my thyroid. And, still no baby.

I feel like crying every day. My husband and I are arguing constantly. I feel like a failure. I can't get out of bed on day 30 of my cycle, becasue I know I am going to see blood. And each 30th day of my cycle, I feel like I lost another baby.

I can't walk to the end of our hallway, because that is where the "kids" rooms are. That is where the picture books are, the books I have been collecting for my babies since I got marreid 6 years ago. The books that are signed by the authors and illustrators to my unborn babies. That is where the diaper bag I bought is, the Christmas snow globe.

Does it get easier?

Does it get better? Sometimes. Other times not so much.

I suggest you ready the book Conquering Infertility, by Alice Domar. It sounds like you've got some depression on top of the IF to deal with. I can tell you that this board helps- at the very least you know there are others who are suffering in the same way as you.

DH & I took out a 2nd Mortgage to pay for IVF. We took loans to pay for college and other big investments, why not invest in our family? In the mean time I've started to come to terms with the entire situation. You will find a way to be a parent, it's just going to take time and faith (which can be in short supply during IF) .

Good luck on your journey.

[HeatherGrat]

Your post brought tears to my eyes because I too am a woman who is married to a wonderful man who waited until we had all of our "ducks in a row" before we started to try for our family. We have been together 12 years, married for 4 and trying for two. In our house we bought when we first started trying we have rooms for our babies too - one we even painted the colour we wanted for our nursery when we first moved in - a soothing neutral green - optimistic that we'd be soon filling it with baby furniture. My husband and I both refer to it as the baby's room - but sadly, there's no baby. Not yet anyway. My grandmother gave us a tiny pair of white shoes and told us to hang them in the window of the room which will be the nursery someday. She said they would bring good luck and they hang there still - like little butterfly wings hopeful and waiting. I sit there sometimes and imagine I can smell the milky breath of a newborn or feel the downy hair on the top of a newborn's head and I too feel like I could weep. I imagine someday that this room - this empty beautiful room left almost empty for the past two years could be where I rock my babies and its almost too much to think about. There are outfits in the hope chest, books I loved when I was a child, and even a baby book - just waiting, waiting for that news.
So, my beautiful friend, no you are not alone. You have made the decision to try to bring a child into this world and I can't help but read your words and feel an overwhelming assurance that someday you will be a mother, one way or another, and when you are that blessed, special little baby will be so very lucky.
But for now - wherever you are - thank you for touching my heart, for helping me feel like I'm not the only one who falls asleep at night day dreaming that there's a tiny bassinette in the darkness of our bedroom. I'm wishing so much wonderful news for you - and sendng so much love and support.