[Cemp]

Hi there,

I just found out last night that my sister in law is pregnant. She just got married in May and has had conversations with me in the past about not being sure she ever wants to be a mother. Anyway, when I was told she was pregnant I started crying. It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. It isn't fair of me to feel this way, but I couldn't control myself. There is a family party this weekend and I have no idea if I can deal with it. I just know everyone will be talking about her being pregnant and congratulating her. I feel like a terrible person because I am never able to just say congratulations. I usually get mad first, cry and then just get mad all over again that I am still trying. This just leads more to my isolation. What would anyone do? Do you just suck it up and go or stay home? I miss a lot of things here and there because I am always in the middle of a cycle, on meds etc.

Thanks for letting me vent, Cemp

[Ricochet]

Your not a terrible person for feeling that way I would feel the same. You just have to ask yourself would it be more stress on me to go? Does everyone that is going know your ttc? if they do they would understand why you couldn't deal with being there. If you decide to go I hope everything works out good for you. All the best of luck on ttc

Originally Posted by Cemp

Hi there,

I just found out last night that my sister in law is pregnant. She just got married in May and has had conversations with me in the past about not being sure she ever wants to be a mother. Anyway, when I was told she was pregnant I started crying. It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. It isn't fair of me to feel this way, but I couldn't control myself. There is a family party this weekend and I have no idea if I can deal with it. I just know everyone will be talking about her being pregnant and congratulating her. I feel like a terrible person because I am never able to just say congratulations. I usually get mad first, cry and then just get mad all over again that I am still trying. This just leads more to my isolation. What would anyone do? Do you just suck it up and go or stay home? I miss a lot of things here and there because I am always in the middle of a cycle, on meds etc.

Thanks for letting me vent, Cemp

[Jrene]

I know how you feel. I just found out today my husbands niece is pregnant. She's only been trying a few months. Im just about at my breaking point.... I don't know how more times I have to hear of someone elese's good news. Whens mine gonna happen. I swear I wanted to break down in the middle of Borders book store when my husband told me. But instead I sucked it up and said while nodding my head up once, "huh."

I've been married for over 10yrs and Im almost 30. Im not going to be able to play the "we're waiting until Im 30 to have kids" our family already know we're baren. My MIL reminds almost everytime she sees me. Its my fault.

So I know all too well.... how that burning in your throat, while gripping your heart is. Im not sure if I'll ever ever get to experience a life growing inside me, but I hate feeling bitter. But **** girls, its hard not too.

[jgruska]

You are not a horrible person. No one can understand the feelings you experience as a fertility challenged couple, unless you have lived it. I feel so bitter at times when I see people that have been trying a lot less of a period of time to get pregnant than me and have succesfully had a baby. Most recently I have experienced family members that have not only had one child but two within the time period that my husband and I have been trying. Now my sister-in-law is trying for her second child and we are still childless. I feel that I might completely lose it if she gets pregnant before me. In my head I know that is horrible to feel that way but I can't control it. I feel soooo alone alot of the time. That is why this forum is so important. Thank you for sharing your feelings so open and honestly.

[wmcgrath]

I understand how all of you feel as I have had those feelings too and may again some day when we decide on baby, #2, #3, etc.

I want to raise a different perspective, not for the sake of argument, just to think about it differently.

Hearing about others becoming pregnant when I couldn't was like stab in the back, the worst pain ever. It seemed like every where I was (Target, Grocery Store, etc.) everyone was preggo. It reminded me of all of my girlfriends getting engaged, when I was still single. They all seemed to have something I wanted and couldn't.
After finding Mr. Right and now becoming pregnant, I don't think you can take away someone else's joy or happiness b/c they have what you don't. I sure hope people aren't looking at me now in the store angry and bitter. My husband use to say to me, you never know, they may have gone through what we are.

There will be the day that you will want those people to rejoice in your pregnancy and happiness as well.

There are sooo many things in life that other's envy us for. I remember speaking with a good friend of mine in the middle of my battle with infertility. I told her how sad and hurt I was and I didn't understand, "Why it couldn't be me having a baby?" (She was one of these people that could get pregnant in a month or two after going off of the pill.)

• She said that she looks at me and is sad everyday because of my wonderful connection with my mom. (Her mom died a terrible death after facing very invasive cancer.)
• She said I look at you and your husband and wish I had half the spark and romance that you do. (She is now divorced.)
• She said I spent months in the hospital on bedrest before delivering a premature baby. (She now has a son who has physical and mental disabilities after pregnancy complications.)

I know this is a long post and it may not make you feel better. But it just reminds me that "The Grass is not Always Greener on the Other Side."
I so understand the hurt and level of discomfort that being around a pregnant person may cause you...but just keep in mind pregnancy is a miracle, it will happen to you someday and you will want people to be happy for you.

Wishing all of you love and the best.

[wmcgrath]

I keep reading my post over and over and I want you all to know my intent is not to offend anyone or take away the pain you are feeling...
Infertility was the biggest struggle in my life (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.)

[MommytoBe]

Reading your post has given me a new perspective on my issue with infertility. Being 24 years old and some might say I am still young, but I have been through so much mentally, emotionally, and physically dealing with infertility for the past 3 years. I had so much anger and fear of not being able to have a child. When hearing news of family members getting pregnant its hard for me to be happy for them even though at least I act like I am happy for them but deep in my heart I am not. It hurts so much to feel that way but I do. However, your post has made me understand why I should not feel that way because if I were to get pregnant right now I would want everyone to be happy for me and not hate me or be jealous of me. I also do not think your post would offend anyone.

Originally Posted by wmcgrath

I keep reading my post over and over and I want you all to know my intent is not to offend anyone or take away the pain you are feeling...
Infertility was the biggest struggle in my life (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.)

[Cemp]

Originally Posted by wmcgrath

I keep reading my post over and over and I want you all to know my intent is not to offend anyone or take away the pain you are feeling...
Infertility was the biggest struggle in my life (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.)

Wmcgrath,

I was not offended by your post. Trust me I know and understand what you are saying. My mom often tells me that you never know what other people struggle with, and I can't be mad if someone gets pregnant because it has nothing to do with me. I know and truly get that, but it often just doesn't stop the tears. A lot of times when a friend or family member is pregnant I get sad because I have often thought about my child having close cousins etc. and then a year goes by and then two. Some friends are done having kids and the plans I often thought of having our kids play together will never happen. Same holds true for my siblings and inlaws. My nieces and nephews are getting older and it just makes me sad because I grew up with close family friends and cousins.

I appreciate knowing that other people feel the same as me. I guess it is helpful knowing I can get advice, vent and seek advice from people that have the same pain as me. This board is helpful because unless someone has gone throught this they don't get it and often get mad at me or say stupid things like, it will happen if you relax etc. I wish no one ever had to deal with this. Thanks again for listening. Cemp

[momtocats4now]

Found out today that two women I know are pregnant. One that just expressed that they're trying-she's 7 weeks along and the other that is likely unplanned due to her negligence with using BC...I don't actually think she should be a person allowed to reproduce, therefore my resentment towards her is infinitely more than anyone else...I realize it makes me sound self righteous, but she's got some serious mental issues. Anyways, I was just starting to feel better (my husband does that for me) when we found out that another couple is most likely pregnant because BC apparently doesn't work for them.

I feel resentful towards these people because they DON'T have problems getting pregnant. They have not gone through anything that I have gone through and other than the one planned baby, they're surprises. I envy and am extremely jealous of perfect strangers that are able to flaunt their big bellies. This is why I find so much comfort on these forums. I feel HAPPY for the women on them that get to announce their pregnancies, because I know how much they went through to get there. It makes me hopeful that it really will be MY turn and that this "unexplained" infertility thing can be fixed...

However, I can't find myself mustering up the neccessary congratulations for friends and family members because my heart breaks everytime I hear someone tell me that it's unplanned or that they weren't sure they wanted more kids or that they had no problems conceiving.

I can say that I completely sympathize with your feelings towards your SIL is pregnant. Mine earlier today, who has gotten pregnant and delivered and is now done having kids while I've been trying but has been a complete support in my quest to conceive, said that (and this was before I heard about the third) these things come in threes and it will be my turn next. I can cut out one of the people as a third, to keep myself optimistic, but it's hard right now when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

On a side note, one of my closest friends, who has been extremely supportive up until today broke my heart when she told me to relax and it'll happen on it's own time. I was so shocked, and I hope that she was meaning it in a way to merely make me feel better and not knowing that it would only hurt more. I did tell her immediately that it doesn't make me feel better and she apologized, but it still stung.

[lisa_kev]

Awwww, hon....I know how you feel. My cousin found out she was pregnant in April, and told the family just the day after I found out my 1st IUI had failed. First, I gave her my congrats but then excused myself and balled in the bathroom. At that time, no one other than my mother knew of our infertility issues and since then, I've opened up with family and most know now that we're getting ready for IVF.

My cousin married in Nov and BAM by Feb they had conceived. Apparently, they got pregnant on the 1st month they tried.

My only advise to you is the same I've been following.....keep your distance and it's OK to be selfish. You have to be to keep yourself sane. I saw her 4th of July and she was 4 months and showing. It was sooooooo hard for me. I did what I could to not look at her belly bump. Of course, she was wearing a T that said referred to her being pregnant, that was like a slap in the face. I really tried not to take it personal and take knowledge in the fact that this is her time.

Since my cousin knows how hard we're trying now, she's supportive and knows to not have any pregancy complaints around me.

Hang in there. I hope you get your BFP real soon!

[qweska8402]

I know the feeling. I just found out one of my friends is pregnant with twins. She's already had one baby since I've been trying, so this will make 3 for her and still zero for me. I just can't make myself feel happy for her and that makes me feel even worse. I don't have any advice for you, but just to hang in there and let you know that you're not the only one!

[Amison]

Hey Girls...
Of course I know exactly how each of you feels... It is so painful to watch other become pg without any struggle. All of my best friends have kids - all 7 of my bridesmaids from our wedding have 2-3 kids EACH! And her I am with ZERO

We just had a friend recently get pg after 2 months of trying... and I said to her that I needed some space and it was difficult for me to be around her right now. She must have taken offense to that and got a angry with me. I just explained that unless she has experienced what I have, she can't judge me. It hurt my feelings that she was so un-understanding and after she watched everything I have been through the last two years...

On the flip side of that - I had lunch with a good friend of mine - she has two kids - and she reminded me that DH and I need to enjoy our time right now because soon enough we won't have the freedoms we do now. I got the feeling that she misses the part of her life where she can just pick up and go.

I kind of gave me a new perspective with my situation and have been trying to enjoy my summer more...
I am glad she opened up and told me how she was feeling...

[Mama2Caden]

Boy, this is a tough one. During my struggles with infertility my SIL got pregnant too. She knew what we were going through so before they announced it to the family, they told us individually (thank the Lord) because I don't think I could have dealt if they hadn't. While that help, it still struck my heart when they announced it to the rest of the family. So, I plastered on a smile and congratulated them, while silently cursing the fates that I had to struggle to get my child. I guess in a way that made me more determind to do whatever I needed to do to have my baby. It was very difficult to watch her go through her pregnancy, to top it off someone had asked her if they were trying and she responded "Not really, we had only been off the pill for a month." Like you I hate those comments. The other part about this is that our lives have to go on despite our struggles. I've also learned that people just don't get it unless they are struggling too. So I guess I've just learned to say to myself, they don't understand and won't so I move on. Needless to say, when I was going through IVF, my other SIL got pregnant too. They told me just prior to my cycle. The quick stab to the heart was there. My IVF story was a happy one and our kids are two month apart. But it doesn't change the fact that my heart cried when they told me they were pregnant. Even now, after my happy ending, when I hear about people getting pregnant after only a few months, my heart still does that little double take and for one minute I start to think, why couldn't that have happened for me, why is it easy for some and not for other. Then I kind of just shake my head and move on. I don't think people tells us these things to make us angry or rub it in our faces (although I suspect some have) , they just don't understand the world of infertility and probably never will. Just know you are not alone in your feelings or struggles with this. I have found that I'm a stronger person and a better mother for having gone through what I have. You will be too. Hang in there.

[jjbaxter]

I just wanted to say sorry for what you are going thru I am sure we have all been there When we were trying a girl I work with got pregnant on accident and kept it secret for awhile I overheard her on the phone one day which is how I found out I felt I was having a panick attack I had to run outside and cry cry cry it was awful. then she decided to tell everyone but me so they all thought they knew and I didn't I would rather her have told me privately but things happen how they happen I do know that I appreciate my child much more than some people that haven't struggled we are stronger for what we have gone thru and you will be to I know it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I truly do believe everything happens for a reason but I didn't understand it when we were TTC #1 it's only later that I realize god had a plan for me.

[babywant]

I personally wouldn't go. It's fair to be kind to yourself and it is also kinder to not go if you can't really be happy for her and your brother.

I know I listened to a really good radio show that helped me a lot on how to deal with these type of situations. The show is called Creating a Family and it comes on once a week. This show that really helped me was in Dec. 2008. it was titled something like "surviving the holidays",, but they talked about more than just the holidays--like family gatherings. If you haven't listened to any of their shows, you should. I can't tell you how much they have helped me. You can still listen to all the show at Creating A Family: : Radio Show~

I know how hard this all is.

Lori