[O19APOS]

I feel stuck and uninformed.

My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years. At first, we didn't think anything of our bad luck because I had just come off a 5-year birth control stint. He deployed and while he was gone, I went to the OB/GYN to find out what I should be doing to prepare myself for another go when he returned. They were extremely unhelpful assuming that since my husband was gone I shouldn't be finding out if there was something wrong with me. I started taking pre-natal vitamins, working out and eating healthy--preparing my body as best I could to be a prime vessel for carrying a baby. When he got home, we tried again. It seemed that everyone around me was just having baby after baby and I started to get really frustrated.

We finally made our own separate fertility appointments. My tests all checked out fine besides an abnormal pap. My husband's on the otherhand returned with a ZERO sperm count. I wasn't at the Doctor's with him so I only had what he repeated to go from. I tried to educate myself online but all I knew was that he was a carrier of cystic fibrosis and something about the lack of vas deferens. Nothing really added up or websites all had contradictory information.

My abnormal pap has turned into pre-cancerous cells and now I'm SCARED.

Everything just started going downhill.

I threw a party hoping time with friends would cheer me up. I made a bunch of homemade snacks, got all dressed up and waited...NO ONE SHOWED. It was so humiliating. Some people just never bothered to contact me and others had lame excuses. I invited nearly 30 people and I had not ONE friend in the whole bunch. I mean really, what are the odds that NO ONE shows?!??! I was devastated.

I tried to open up to my family and things just got worse. My three older sisters are all "baby makers" and they can't even try to understand where I'm coming from. Everyone has advice for me on options and no one will just be there for me.

One sister suggested I go get a job to take my mind off things. I figure it would just be worse to send a miserably depressed person out to get a job they hate.

Another sister brought up asking my brother-in-law for sperm for invetro which makes no sense because my husband and I have been told we still CAN have children of our own with help. Then she said, "Don't worry, my oldest will be going to college in 5 years and then we can spend more time together." Great. I'm just supposed to wait around until someone has nothing better to do than hang out with me.

My eldest sister is just a horrible Mother to begin with and now I catch myself analyzing EVERYONE'S motherhood skills. I can't even go out in public without wanting to yell at someone for being a bad Mother.

My best friend lives far away and we've started to drift since she had children. I have no one to talk to and whenever I do get someone's time, they have to go because their baby is crying or they have to change a diaper.

I just cry all the time. I don't identifity with anyone. My husband and I don't really talk much about anything anymore. We still have a good relationship but when two people go into a marriage with the intention of starting a family and then don't, it just gets weird.

I've never gotten along with my Mother-in-law. She's always been mean to me and I believe it's because she thinks I've "trapped" her son into living far away from her and she'd rather he married someone from his small hometown. She is a hypocritical Catholic and makes comments about praying for us. She is the horrible gene carrier who had 4 children with 3 different fathers and somehow I'm supposed to believe there is a God who would let all of this happen. I know it sounds so pessimistic but I just don't get it. The worst part is that the holidays are coming up and I know she will go to family functions and tell everyone that we can't have a baby.

My husband went out and bought a motorcycle after we found out the news. He acts fine, but I know he worries that I might leave him. I didn't marry him for his ability to father a child but I can't say that didn't cross my mind.

I just want to be like everybody else. I want to pee on a stick and get all excited. No matter what happens, it won't be as exciting to create a baby at a Doctor's office.

I stay in my sweat pants all day. I hate going out and I cry all the time. My husband and I rarely sleep together. Something inside me just turned off and I feel that sex is for reproduction and it's just pointless now.

I cut all of my friends out after I realized how horrible they were and now I'm resorting to an online forum for my sanity. I really don't know where to go. I'm so angry that things can't be the way I want them to be. It wouldn't make me happy that someone else out there is in the same place, but maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.

[JessStillWaits]

I am so sorry to hear how hard things are for you right now, but I can ensure you that you are in a good place. I am really sorry to hear about your party and how no one showed. And I can completely relate to the effects on a marriage and relationship- it's tough.

While I ended up having two miscarriages, I can tell you that peeing on a stick and seeing a positive was just about the most happy I've ever been. I know it's a loss though, and i think just as if someone had died, it's important for you to take time and grieve for the fact that things haven't worked the way you'd want them to, but it doesn't mean they won't work. And I know it's annoying, but it's good you know the cause of IF, as I have been trying for 4 years and still don't know.

IVF especially has a HIGH likelihood of working with low sperm count and I think IUI can work too. I know it's frustrating to have to go there, but take some time for yourself and adjust to the idea. I do think this is an unrecognized loss that us infertilies go through.

Take care of yourself. And know that we will be and for you. And we can relate to the unfairness of the world and all those other women out there who take this whole process- and their children- for granted.

Good luck.

Originally Posted by O19APOS

I feel stuck and uninformed.

My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years. At first, we didn't think anything of our bad luck because I had just come off a 5-year birth control stint. He deployed and while he was gone, I went to the OB/GYN to find out what I should be doing to prepare myself for another go when he returned. They were extremely unhelpful assuming that since my husband was gone I shouldn't be finding out if there was something wrong with me. I started taking pre-natal vitamins, working out and eating healthy--preparing my body as best I could to be a prime vessel for carrying a baby. When he got home, we tried again. It seemed that everyone around me was just having baby after baby and I started to get really frustrated.

We finally made our own separate fertility appointments. My tests all checked out fine besides an abnormal pap. My husband's on the otherhand returned with a ZERO sperm count. I wasn't at the Doctor's with him so I only had what he repeated to go from. I tried to educate myself online but all I knew was that he was a carrier of cystic fibrosis and something about the lack of vas deferens. Nothing really added up or websites all had contradictory information.

My abnormal pap has turned into pre-cancerous cells and now I'm SCARED.

Everything just started going downhill.

I threw a party hoping time with friends would cheer me up. I made a bunch of homemade snacks, got all dressed up and waited...NO ONE SHOWED. It was so humiliating. Some people just never bothered to contact me and others had lame excuses. I invited nearly 30 people and I had not ONE friend in the whole bunch. I mean really, what are the odds that NO ONE shows?!??! I was devastated.

I tried to open up to my family and things just got worse. My three older sisters are all "baby makers" and they can't even try to understand where I'm coming from. Everyone has advice for me on options and no one will just be there for me.

One sister suggested I go get a job to take my mind off things. I figure it would just be worse to send a miserably depressed person out to get a job they hate.

Another sister brought up asking my brother-in-law for sperm for invetro which makes no sense because my husband and I have been told we still CAN have children of our own with help. Then she said, "Don't worry, my oldest will be going to college in 5 years and then we can spend more time together." Great. I'm just supposed to wait around until someone has nothing better to do than hang out with me.

My eldest sister is just a horrible Mother to begin with and now I catch myself analyzing EVERYONE'S motherhood skills. I can't even go out in public without wanting to yell at someone for being a bad Mother.

My best friend lives far away and we've started to drift since she had children. I have no one to talk to and whenever I do get someone's time, they have to go because their baby is crying or they have to change a diaper.

I just cry all the time. I don't identifity with anyone. My husband and I don't really talk much about anything anymore. We still have a good relationship but when two people go into a marriage with the intention of starting a family and then don't, it just gets weird.

I've never gotten along with my Mother-in-law. She's always been mean to me and I believe it's because she thinks I've "trapped" her son into living far away from her and she'd rather he married someone from his small hometown. She is a hypocritical Catholic and makes comments about praying for us. She is the horrible gene carrier who had 4 children with 3 different fathers and somehow I'm supposed to believe there is a God who would let all of this happen. I know it sounds so pessimistic but I just don't get it. The worst part is that the holidays are coming up and I know she will go to family functions and tell everyone that we can't have a baby.

My husband went out and bought a motorcycle after we found out the news. He acts fine, but I know he worries that I might leave him. I didn't marry him for his ability to father a child but I can't say that didn't cross my mind.

I just want to be like everybody else. I want to pee on a stick and get all excited. No matter what happens, it won't be as exciting to create a baby at a Doctor's office.

I stay in my sweat pants all day. I hate going out and I cry all the time. My husband and I rarely sleep together. Something inside me just turned off and I feel that sex is for reproduction and it's just pointless now.

I cut all of my friends out after I realized how horrible they were and now I'm resorting to an online forum for my sanity. I really don't know where to go. I'm so angry that things can't be the way I want them to be. It wouldn't make me happy that someone else out there is in the same place, but maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.

[O19APOS]

Thank you for your quick response. After I posted my thread, I got this horrible feeling that like my party, no one would respond! LOL.

I have to commend you for your bravery. Continuing to put yourself through that sort of a loss while maintaining hope must take a great amount of strength.

I guess I would feel more hopeful if just ONE thing worked out, you know? Every single day I search for ONE light at the end of this miserable tunnel and maybe this forum will point me in the right direction.

It's really hard to rationally consider other options right now. I don't know what it's going to take to get me to a point where I will look at anything with much optimism.

At the moment I'm trying to think of ways to remind my husband that I have no intentions of running off to find someone else who can make babies the "old fashioned way". I wish he would talk to me more. Whenever I bring this up, I end up crying and/or he gets frustrated with a conversation that just goes in circles. If we put up the money for IVF, we won't have enough to feel comfortable raising a child. I don't want to bring a baby into the world and then be making "payments" on it so I can't afford diapers, etc.

It's as if we just put everything on hold. He got a motorcycle in place of a baby in the meantime and I can't find anything to replace Motherhood--even temporarily.

This past June we went to Hawaii to just forget about all of this. It was a great escape until we got on the plane back to WA. I sobbed quietly the whole way while he slept. I couldn't believe how quickly everything jumped forward from the backburned I tried to place it on.

Ugh.

[Dream2BeMommy]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. I guess, we are all in the same boat here and feel the same way.

It is the hardest thing ever and I never even thought that I would not have children at this age. For 10 years already I wanted to have a baby, but it was never the right time or there was some other reason. But then when my life was finally ready for the baby, it did not happpen...

I think I wated too long and now it is too late. Before I knew it, suddenly it seemed to be way too late. All my classmates and friends have 13-15 year olds! And not just one, but 2 or 3! I feel like I don't even have time for one child now, because by the time he/she goes to school, I will look like a grandma

Depressed all the time, trying to find a reason to get up in the morning, nobody to talk to, cutting off all my friends with babies, husband doesn't understand what I am going through (he bought a new bike too, haha) and the worst part is that it is sooo expensive that you can't even afford anything, tests, treatments... ugh...

Every woman deserves to be a mother. I don't understand why are we being punished and for what??? It is so unfair!!! Some people who don't want children, have them, and people like we are, who would be the best parents, have to wait forever before it happens, if it happens...

Well, hold on there, maybe there will be a light for us at the end. I keep telling myself, that maybe one day I will be blessed like everybody else and I still have hope, but it doesn't seem real anymore. Hope never dies, I guess...

But for now life has no meaning and what is even the point in everything if there is no future... children are our future and we don't have them

Hugs to you and to everybody who is going through this...

[O19APOS]

Your response got me crying all over myself again for the fifth or sixth time today, but I think somewhere in between my sobbing was a sigh of relief. You sound so much like me and for once I don't feel so ODD.

Assuming you DO get out of bed every day, what's YOUR reason??

I feel like I'm going through the motions just so my family doesn't attempt an intervention, not because I truly have the desire to put on something other than sweats or brush my teeth.

[Schell1978]

Yes, all of us can certainly relate to what you are going through! I looked at the member list one time and there are/were 45,000 of us JUST on this forum! I know it's hard not to feel alone, but there are so many of us just like you.
Just like you, I've cut off a lot of my friends. It's not that they've done something wrong, but it is so painful for me to see all their growing bellies, and beautiful children…..most do not understand what I'm going through, and sometimes I don't want them to understand because I'm afraid they'll feel pity for me. I have a good relationship with my husband, but all of this is VERY difficult to talk about with him. I try to do it when I am not feeling real emotional (like right when I start my period,) because I tend to cry if I am real emotional. I try to talk to him when I am feeling a little less emotional about everything. I think men don't like to talk about it because they feel so helpless, like we always hear….they are "fixers," and since they can't "fix" this problem, they feel helpless. I have found the best way to talk to my husband about this is when I am feeling solution oriented, not helpless and crying and all crazy (btw: he has called his best friend on more then one occasion to tell him that I've officially "lost it.") This process makes you feel like you are slowly going crazy…no doubt about that. It usually doesn't help to talk to the husband when you are feeling emotional though.
My advice would be to make an appointment for a consultation to see a specialist and see what your options are. If your current infertility specialist can't help you…then seek the help. Don't lose hope!!! There are SO MANY options for us these days. Donor sperm if you absolutely have to go there, IVF, and a multitude of other things to get you pregnant. Who cares if it's not "the old fashioned way?"
We are all in this sh** hole together, so let's try and stay positive, and know that more then likely….someday (soon) we'll all have our babes!

[charlie'smom]

Originally Posted by O19APOS

I just want to be like everybody else. I want to pee on a stick and get all excited. No matter what happens, it won't be as exciting to create a baby at a Doctor's office.

I stay in my sweat pants all day. I hate going out and I cry all the time.
I'm so angry that things can't be the way I want them to be. It wouldn't make me happy that someone else out there is in the same place, but maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.

Sweetie I have to tell you...

I know exactly how you feel...When we first started our infertility journey, and going through IUI's, I too thought that all the excitement of finding out you are pregnant would be gone...because honestly, where is the surprise?! And then I got pregnant...and I was in complete shock, and was caught completely off gaurd. And it was exciting and scary and nerve wracking...all at the same time. I unfortunately lost that baby, but now I know, no matter what happens, I can handle it. If I get pregnant again, I will be elated...and shocked and surprised and nervous as hell.

I too often wonder why I can't get pregnant, and it seems like everyone else can. Drug addicts, mental cases, and teenagers get pregnant all the time...people who have no business having children at all are having 2, 3, or 4 kids that they are unable to care for....and all I am asking for is 1!

I am NOT a religious person...never have been (perhaps that's my problem....ha!), but I have to keep wondering if I'm not being punished for something....kinda weird huh? But I also feel that everyone was put on this earth for a reason...everyone has a reason why they get up in the morning, a reason for being, a reason for living. I still don't know what mine is yet...but that's why you live your life...to find out what that purpose is. And I think we have to live our lives with or without children. And missy, you can't do that sitting around the house all day in your sweat pants!

Here is my suggestion to you...

Do SOMETHING....ANYTHING.

1)Take up a new hobby. (I just joined a Master's swim team...not only is it fantastic exercise, but it allows me to take out my frustrations, and also feel as though I am a part of something.)

2) Volunteer. (be a mentor at the local school, volunteer at a church, volunteer to read to kids at the library, read for the blind, volunteer at an animal shelter...get the drift?!)

3) Do your research, but don't go on overload. Begin to investigate your options...you said yourself the DR's said you can get pregnant, just maybe not the old fashioned way! If IVF is too expensive, question the doctors about IUI. Gather up your's and your DH's test results, make an appointment with a specialist, and investigate your options. DO NOT GIVE UP. But also make sure you don't consume yourself with details. Make sure you have something else to do besides just sit there and ponder your infertility...I did that for a few months, and it totally sucked! I couldn't think of anything else...and then I told myself that I need to get over it...seriously, it's not healthy!

4) Do something for you...get a pedicure, get a massage, get a facial, buy a new pair of shoes...you are totally worth it (hubby did buy the motorcycle afterall...)

5) Be spontaneous with the hubby. Call him home from work for an afternoon rendevous! Buy yourself a piece of sexy lingerie, get a bikini wax, and Whisk him away to a cabin in the woods for a weekend of nookie!!! You are still a woman, he is still a man, and the two of you aren't dead! Embrace your sexuality and have fun!!!!!

Everyone here is in the same boat, and we are all here for you!!!!!

[Dream2BeMommy]

Originally Posted by O19APOS

Your response got me crying all over myself again for the fifth or sixth time today, but I think somewhere in between my sobbing was a sigh of relief. You sound so much like me and for once I don't feel so ODD.

Assuming you DO get out of bed every day, what's YOUR reason??

I feel like I'm going through the motions just so my family doesn't attempt an intervention, not because I truly have the desire to put on something other than sweats or brush my teeth.

Yes, you are so right, what is the purpose? We were made to be mothers. It was our purpose. What now???

I guess, I have my good days and bad days and when a bad one comes, I just don't know what to do with myself, I feel so desparate, ready to pull my hair out or bang my head against the wall... But it is not going to solve the problem...

[Airman'sBaby]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this, but I can't blame you. I felt the same way myself. I felt worthless because the only thing I've ever wanted was to be a mother, and what is the one thing that women are supposed to be able to create? Babies. And I couldn't. What struck me the most in your post was this:

Originally Posted by O19APOS

I just want to be like everybody else. I want to pee on a stick and get all excited. No matter what happens, it won't be as exciting to create a baby at a Doctor's office.

I felt the exact same way. I used to feel really messed up that I couldn't get pregnant the same way almost everyone else could. I used to feel like there was something terribly wrong with me, like I wasn't good enough. Like I wasn't a real woman. I used to hate the fact that I had to do IVF. Then I did IVF, and after all the shots, and waiting, I got a . After my positive beta, I did a home pregnancy test for the novelty of it, because I've ALWAYS wanted to do one and have it tell me I'm pregnant.

Do I still feel that way? Not anymore. As soon as I found out I was FINALLY pregnant, it changed instantly. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. I've reached the same result as those who are not fertility-challenged, and I'm **** proud of it. As I'm typing right now, I can feel my son kicking me in the ribs, and I'm loving every minute of it.

Please don't lose hope. You may not be able to get knocked up like everyone else, but you do have options. You WILL have the baby that you deserve!!!

[Dream2BeMommy]

Originally Posted by Schell1978

I have a good relationship with my husband, but all of this is VERY difficult to talk about with him. I try to do it when I am not feeling real emotional (like right when I start my period,) because I tend to cry if I am real emotional. I try to talk to him when I am feeling a little less emotional about everything. I think men don't like to talk about it because they feel so helpless, like we always hear….they are "fixers," and since they can't "fix" this problem, they feel helpless. I have found the best way to talk to my husband about this is when I am feeling solution oriented, not helpless and crying and all crazy (btw: he has called his best friend on more then one occasion to tell him that I've officially "lost it.") This process makes you feel like you are slowly going crazy…no doubt about that. It usually doesn't help to talk to the husband when you are feeling emotional though.

That is sooo true! I always start crying when talking to my husband about our problem and I know he hates it, but I can't help! I feel so misarable and I want him to comfort me, but he seems like he doesn't care or he just doesn't show that he cares. Who knows... But it's definately hard and you feel like you are alone and this world and there is nobody to help...

[wtnganother1]

I know the desperation that you feel, and I've had that hole that's eating you from the inside-out. You may question being at an online forum, but "talking" and connecting with other women in the same boat is so healing. There is no better support team in the world. No one else really understands what you're going through. You're going to have good days and bad days. A year from now it will be Oct 20, 2010, whether you are pregnant or have a baby or not. You have to live your life and not make it all about the baby. The baby is just part of your life. I agree with Charlie's mom completely.......get sexy with hubby, start focusing on some other things around you like a job or volunteering, etc. Cut yourself a break when it comes to baby.....if you have to avoid certain people and situations for now, so be it. Do what you can handle. Take it one step at a time, but don't give up. Infertility is a long and grueling process sometimes. "Screw your courage to the sticking place". Be determined, no matter what, and see where the journey takes you. And, above all, approach it with your husband as a team. We're all here for you, cheering you on. Welcome!

[Jrene]

My heart really goes out to you. I know that infertility can be a major strain on a marriage. I've been dealing with infertility on and off for over 10yrs. DH and I have been together over 13yrs and married over 10. We were high school sweeties, married young, I was 19.

The best advice I can give you is to have communication with your husband and tell him how you are feeling. Talk to him about your options as a couple and make him feel included as much as possible.

Have you thought about using donor sperm? Would your dh be ok with that? Or adoption? Don't lose hope, they're other options, do some research and talk with a RE about them.

Good luck!

[girl121]

I can completely relate as well. My husband can't stand it when I cry, and now it feels like I'm crying all the time. The best suggestion I can make is to try to take each day one at a time. I don't try to be okay for a month or a week, I just try to get through each day. Working or volunteering will really help with the depression too - even if its just a distraction for a couple hours each day. As for interviewing while you're depressed - just fake it. Sometimes even pretending to not be depressed makes me feel better.

Also, just like you and and some of the other women, I have cut off a lot of friends. I've decided that I need to come first right now, and for the sake of my mental well being and my marriage, I can't get on the phone every evening and listen to stories of breast feeding and first steps. So to heck with it! I may regret it later, but again, one day at a time for me.

Hang in there - this is a great forum with lots of inspirational women and stories.

[Kris79]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are feeling so awful right now. Unfortunately it goes with the territory of infertility, not to mention your additional worry about your pre-cancerous condition.

My DH also does not have sperm, although for a different reason than your DH. We went the surgery route to see if he had any because for him the vas deferens were there and they had a way out, but there was nothing. If the issue for you and your DH is that he has sperm and no vas deferens, you would be able to conceive a jointly biological child through IVF. A lot of people worry about the expense of it, so I understand where you are coming from. Perhaps, it's something you can start saving for once you find out if it's an option for you. I know that's easier said than done, in this economic climate though. However, even if you had to take some financial risks, they would be worth it if you had a baby in the end.

We ended up going the donor sperm route with IUI. It's definitely not the right choice for everyone, but it seemed like the best option for us to try in order to get to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and have the child share genetics with one of us. This is less expensive than IVF, but there are some emotional risks, and I really wouldn't recommend going this route unless you didn't have the option to carry a child with your DH's genetics.

Right now you feel like the fun has been sucked out of everything: sex, babymaking, even finding out you're pregnant. You want to be just like everyone else. I completely identify with all of that. It's bad enough to find out you may not be able to carry your DH's child, it's another thing to add all the rest of that baggage to it. I just want to second what the other ladies have said...even if you get pregnant in a doctor's office, NOTHING can take away the joy of the pee stick with a BFP. When you have tried as long as all of us have, that joy and excitement is 1000 times what it is for those ordinary fertiles who just get pregnant with little to no effort. Remember your infertility will make you a stronger woman, a better wife, and a super Mommy. It will happen for you...I know it's hard to believe that when you want it so badly and it's not happening, but it will happen. I hope you will have a plan of action soon

Also...in case you haven't found it...there is a huge group of women (and some men) over at the Azoospermia thread (under Causes of Infertility/Male Factor Infertility). You will find a lot of ladies going through the same thing over there. They are a great support...I'm sure I wouldn't have made it through all the bumps in the road without them.

Best to you and your DH.