[Claude1430]

One of my best friend's is having a baby shower soon and am very stressed about putting myself in that environment.

I have seen a therapist regarding my emotional state in dealing with my infertility issues and she indicated I should not place myself in these types of situations if they are going to cause me stress. On the other hand, what message am I sending with not attending and wishing her well?

I attempted to attend a sweet sixteen a week ago and walked out in tears. The combination of the birthday girl's older brother's speech describing his mother's pregnancy announcement of his sister 16 years prior and a full description of his mother's growing belly along with video footage of her being born and her mother's words of how thankful she is to have had her hit my heart like multiple red hot spears. All I could do was put my head down and excuse myself from the table and swiftly walked out barely making it out the door before my tears would show.

If I can't make it through a sweet sixteen party for someone I don't know, how can I make it through a baby shower?

I dedicated a day when I was feeling exceptionally strong-minded to buy her her shower gifts as I know I must face her soon and "get it overwith". Shopping for baby items was very challenging as I can't even remember what I purchased, let alone their prices. I just grabbed everything and dumped it in my cart. The pain I have is just too great. I can only imagine how Mother's day will be. I know I will be walking around all day with what feels like a grapefruit stuck in my throat.

[missingmy#2]

If i were you i'd attend. Only because its a good friend and i wouldn't let my infertility stand in my way of supporting and being there for her on her special day. One thing to think about is how you would feel if you get to the day of a baby shower and someone doesn't attend because they just can't handle it? Maybe I'm different though. Even though i have been trying for almost 11 years to have a child with many losses i don't get sad when people announce they are pregnant or to attend showers. I don't want to close out people who will be there to support me WHEN we finally get pregnant. If i shut them out now, who would i lean on when i need them the most.

If you can bring yourself to attend, I'm sure your friend would understand. Goodluck with whatever you do!

[alexi]

My friend's baby shower is next weekend and I am going. I think about my future and let's just say God doesn't have it in His plan for me and my DH to have children , I dont want to regret not attending her baby shower because i can't have children.

[arborbaby12]

claudia- If she really is a "best friend" and you aren't feeling up for it, she will understand the best she can. When my mom passed away, I had a really good friend who couldn't attend the funeral because it was too painful for her, her mom had recently passed away as well. I totally understood and didn't feel any negative feelings towards her. This journey of infertility is really hard for people to understand unless they have been thru it. So she may not really understand, but if she is a true friend, she will understand the best she can. I would do what you are comfortable with, if it's not to go, then explain to her your reasons and don't feel guilty. Sometimes we have to put ourselves and our well being first. Good luck!

[amwyatt3]

I have left many baby showers in tears, but I did go. At the time I wish I hadn't but now looking back on it I'm happy that I did attend them. At one shower everyone went around and offered motherly advice to my friend. I was the only one who was not a mother and that stung...a lot!

Here's my suggestion- if you don't go to the baby shower maybe plan a time for just the two of you to go out, maybe for a pedicure or something. Both of you deserve that treat. I don't think attending the actual baby shower is what is important, it's being there for your friend and showing her support and happiness. You will want that in return- if not with having children then with any other huge life-changing event.

Oh one other thing (and maybe this is asking too much) but when my SIL attended my baby shower she was very bitter, quiet, and a complete downer (she was trying to0 get pregnant too). In that situation I wish she would not have attended because she brought the entire group down, including myself. That was my one and only baby shower and her bad attitude ruined it for me. Maybe that's selfish of me, but in that specific situation I wish she would have either pretended to be happy or had stayed home.

[Claude1430]

Originally Posted by amwyatt3

Oh one other thing (and maybe this is asking too much) but when my SIL attended my baby shower she was very bitter, quiet, and a complete downer (she was trying to0 get pregnant too). In that situation I wish she would not have attended because she brought the entire group down, including myself. That was my one and only baby shower and her bad attitude ruined it for me. Maybe that's selfish of me, but in that specific situation I wish she would have either pretended to be happy or had stayed home.

I am afraid of ruining it for her. I think I will speak to her and be supportive by other means since walking into a pregnancy celebration is like walking into a lion's den of overwhelming variables that may send me immediately to my emotional breaking point. It is hard enough as it is with complete strangers and ignorant people. I think just by being asked if I have any kids will do it for me...

[shasie]

There are times when I simply couldn't handle it. For example, last week I was having crying spells for about 3 days because of a BFN. So there would have been no way I could have been there for a friend over a baby shower. I think it would probably take a few weeks after a BFN before I could attend baby shower and act pleasant (crushing disappointment and hormone withdrawals make it hard).

On the other hand, when I am not in the throes of infertility treatment or dealing with the outcome- I may be able to handle for a short while.

You can show up for a short while and leave early for "another engagement."

[fertilityfriend]

Claudia, I think that you should listen to your therapist and your heart. It sounds like this is affecting you in a greater or just different way than other people. I don't think you should feel bad for taking care of yourself first and like you said, you don't want to take away anything from your friend's day.

Maybe you can take your friend out to lunch another day, give her your gift and explain how you feel. If she is your best friend she will understand. Do what is right for you and your situation, because we are all react differently and that's ok.

[Dee1983]

I agree with fertilityfriend, if you feel you can't manage the baby shower (and I know how it can feel like a special form of torture) arrange to go out with her another time. If you explain to her before hand I'm sure, if she is a good friend. she will try to understand. Also, Claude makes a good point, what is the point in making the effort to be there if you are going to be so miserable that you will bring other people down?
It's quite a conundrum! But I definitely think that I would just explain and arrange to catch up with my friend and give her a gift another day.

[KittyMomma]

I think that you are making the right choice for you by not going. Somethings are simply too hard. You know what you can and can't do just listen to your heart.

I decided a few years ago that I was no longer attending baby showers (Or more like 8 years ago Eeek! How did all that time pass?!). I know that I may never have kids. I refuse to go and be upset (Of course I would smile and attempt to hide it). It isn't fair to them (or to me) everyone knows you're unhappy and I have no desire to make the shower awkward for anyone.

So now I have a plan; I always refuse the invite due to a prior engagement (if they don't know about all my issues). Next, I send a fabulous gift (something personalized with the baby name is always popular). Then later as the little one gets older (and it is easier to see the baby as a little person)... That is when I go to oh and ahh.

It really isn't an issue anymore. People seem to think that I am simply not that fond of babies... But that I adore toddlers. Lol.

I hope that no matter what you decide to do... You have a wonderful day!

[jennleekor]

I agree with fertility friend, Dee1983, and Kittymomma, follow your heart and your needs. I am not a parent yet either and it is really hard to go to those showers. I always make up clever lies about why I don't have children (though my closest friends know). I would offer to get a fascial with her before the event so that she can look even more radiant. As long as you can be there for her privately in a small way I'm sure that she will try to understand. I see a therapist for this IF journey and when she excuses me, I don't even feel bad about following her advice. I hope that you can find a way to honor your needs guilt free.

[kekepania]

I'm sure we've all been there at some point. I sat through my share of baby showers feeling terrible. But I always tried to keep one thing in mind. These are my loved ones, and good friends and thank god they do not ever have to go through what I am. I also knew that when my time hopefully came they would be there to support me and celebrate this special time in our lives to the fullest.

Of course if this is a really good friend then talk to her openly and honestly and see how she feels. I am sure she would understand, but at the same time if you think you can muster up the courage try to go. I specifically remember bursting into tears at a cousins graduation party when his mother (my aunt who I am close with) just asked how I was doing that day---not fertility related at all. It always seemed hardest at family events . Whatever you decide to do, try not to feel bad or guilty one way or the other. Best of luck

[zoey2007]

i can understand how difficult this must be for you. ive gone to my good friend's baby showers in the past, but opt not to go to the other baby showers where i dont feel as close too.

its difficult being in that situation.

for one of my friend's baby shower, were pretty close and it was hard for me when people kept asking me about the shower - they all expected me to throw her the party since we are just so close. it was hard, and to tell you the truth, i didnt plan it till the last minute because it was just too hard.

it turned out ok, but i was very sad inside the whole night.

whatever you decide, im sure its for the best. good luck!

[Claude1430]

If only there were a pill to make be numb and not break down!

I thought I would be able to handle the sweet sixteen I went to and played out all of the possible scenarios I would face with my husband's family. I hadn't seen them all in some time and only figured it would only be logical for someone in the room of 125+ to ask us when we were planning on getting pregnant. I said to myself I will say, "we're currently trying" and leave it at that. Over and over I played it in my mind with an adjustment to my facial look of disgust, of course.

Once they got to making speeches on how the news of her pregnancy of her now 16 year old made her feel, I was feeling the weight of the words and broke when I realized I may never have that chance to direct that speech to my little girl or boy. The grapefruit I had in my throat gave way to my eyes swelling up with tears and taking off like a bandit before my tears broke the threshhold. What a horrible finish...

This is how I know I can't make it through. This is how I know even after almost a year and half, I am still "fragile".

I can't do that to her...this is her time to embrace this wonderful moment. I am truly happy for her as I know she's had a tough road but know I will be effected by others reactions as they do not know my situation and don't expect to tell anyone there either. She knows of my situation and can only hope she understands where I'm coming from. It's only fair to keep the experience positive and keep the negativity out.

[bittybaby]

Originally Posted by Claude1430

If only there were a pill to make be numb and not break down!

I thought I would be able to handle the sweet sixteen I went to and played out all of the possible scenarios I would face with my husband's family. I hadn't seen them all in some time and only figured it would only be logical for someone in the room of 125+ to ask us when we were planning on getting pregnant. I said to myself I will say, "we're currently trying" and leave it at that. Over and over I played it in my mind with an adjustment to my facial look of disgust, of course.

Once they got to making speeches on how the news of her pregnancy of her now 16 year old made her feel, I was feeling the weight of the words and broke when I realized I may never have that chance to direct that speech to my little girl or boy. The grapefruit I had in my throat gave way to my eyes swelling up with tears and taking off like a bandit before my tears broke the threshhold. What a horrible finish...

This is how I know I can't make it through. This is how I know even after almost a year and half, I am still "fragile".

I can't do that to her...this is her time to embrace this wonderful moment. I am truly happy for her as I know she's had a tough road but know I will be effected by others reactions as they do not know my situation and don't expect to tell anyone there either. She knows of my situation and can only hope she understands where I'm coming from. It's only fair to keep the experience positive and keep the negativity out.

A true friend should understand that going to her baby shower is just too much for you to handle right now. When I had my baby shower, a friend who was suffering from infertility explained that she just couldn't handle going, and I wasn't hurt at all. I totally understood why my shower would be too much for her to handle at that time. She actually couldn't even see my daughter until my daughter was about 1 years old, and even then I completely understood.

A true friend should understand that this is just too much for you to handle at this time. Maybe try to explain why this is too much for you to deal with right now, and hopefully she will be understanding of what you are going through. Best of luck, and take care!