[Margaret]

Hello everyone, my name is Margaret. I am 34 years old, married with one child (he just turned 8) and I live in North Carolina.

Last year my husband found out he had Testicular Cancer and as you can guess, it has been a very difficult year. He lost a testicle, endured 6 months of chemo, had surgery 3 times and is now holding steady.

Before he got sick, we had tried to get pregnant with out success....of course now we know why.

I have just been in tears lately...I had a plan in my life for another child...I always knew I would have more than one and something in me feels very incomplete. I am clinging to my son because I feel that he is all I have in the world...not good I know but he is my whole heart and if I loose him, I fear I will have nothing left.

I just don't know how to cope and accept losing the life and future I had planned for myself in order to live the life that is meant for me.

Thank you for listening.

[jenedens6102]

Margaret, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us. I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's cancer but what a blessing that he is well and still here. I've heard many times of them offering up the chance to freeze sperm before going into chemo treatment. Did they not give him that opportunity? I'm not sure how the cancer might have affected his swimmers, it's something I'm not familiar with personally. But your life is still complete. You have a wonderful husband and son, both of whom love you dearly. If you still feel empty and want another child there are options. Donor Sperm, Adoption, etc. As for coping, I'd recommend finding a therapist, someone who can help you sort out your feelings and come to terms with the unfortunate circumstances you've been dealt. I hope this helps.

[Margaret]

Thank you Jen for the warm welcome.

He went in for a check up on July 11th and called me from the doctor's office to tell me he had cancer and they were rushing him to the hospital. He was in surgery 12 hours later. Sadly no time to bank sperm and even if he had time, they said he was most likely sterile from the advanced cancer and the sperm would not be of good quality.

April 08, they have told us they would like to re-test his sperm from the left testicle. I have been given the 'tough talk' on how unlikely it would be that anything survived and that I need to move on from the dream of having a baby. Adoption seems overwhelming to me. I just feel lost and I think part of me still thinks I will get pregnant.

My family and husband don't seem to understand. I hear "you should just be lucky your husband is alive" all the time. And yes I am lucky, but I also had dreams for my life and I feel like something is missing. Very hard to explain. For the past year it has been all about my husband and his health and now that he is doing better I almost feel guilty for expressing what I want and need.

[MarthaB]

Margaret,

I know it is hard to express wht you need and want when someone you love is in trouble, but now it OK to do just that. Seeing how you write about your DH and DS I am sure that you have been a source of support and comfort for both of them. That is wonderful. It is also perfectly fine to take care of yourself.

We are all here because we want what you want - a baby - it doesn't matter if it is the first or not. This is a place where we do understand what you need because we all feel the need for the same thing in our lives no matter how blessed we may be in other ways. I don't see how wanting a baby would make you any less thankful your DH is safe and with you. Its a different thing altogether. I would agree that going to a therpist (or minister or priest who is trained in counseling) might help you figure out where you want to go from here - and help you get there.

Take care fo yourself. We're rooting for you.

[wbntrn]

Hi Margaret,
I am sorry you and your family have been through such a hard time and I am glad your husband came out of it ok and is doing well. Please don't feel guilty for expressing what you wanted and your sadness that your plan may not happen the way you wanted. I have been thinking lately about what would happen if I can't have another baby and I realized that I always pictured our life with another and that I would really grieve for the loss of that baby we planned on and imagined if we couldn't have it. I think it is natural to feel sad and to mourn that loss. When will you find out the results of the retest on his sperm? I hope that somehow you guys will beat the odds and find a way... I had the same feeling as you when thinking about adoption....that it was overwhleming... but maybe after a while the other options might seem more manageable? I hope that they might. I just wanted to say that I think your feelings are really normal and I think I would feel the same.

[Margaret]

I go from being almost desperate to have another child to love to trying to accept the fact that maybe God has a different plan for me. That I am not meant to have another child. I have looked at adoption web-sites and I yearn to take them all home. But I have to be realistic, I have a home life that is not the ideal setting for a young child...like a 5-9 year old. They have been through a huge battle in their lives and would need different kind of care than a baby that is ours. Welcoming a child into a home with an 8 year old and a new Dad with cancer may not be the perfect place for them. I hope I am making sense.

Just not sure if I should give up this dream or keep fighting for it. We will know in April 08-if he has any sperm left at all. In the meantime, I am not allowed to even try and get pregnant. (the dangerous amounts of chemo could be harmful to a baby)

[jenedens6102]

Thank you for explaining. That was definitely a rush to have him in for surgery within 12 hours. Sounds like it was a very advanced case. But don't lose hope, I believe in a God of miracles and if it's in His plan for you to have another child it will happen. We have an adoption forum (a sister forum) that would be great for you if you are interested but feel overwhelmed or have questions. You can start with a mother who is expecting or adopt a younger child that might not have as much baggage to work through. I hope your wait until April goes by quickly, hopefully the holidays will help the time go by a little faster. It's understandable that while being thankful to still have your husband part of you feels empty and cheated. Talk to your husband, I'm sure he feels the same. He didn't ask to get cancer and I'm sure it affects him just as much, even if he doesn't express it (men are that way sometimes).

[Margaret]

I may visit the adoption site too. My issue is with our fertility and ability to concieve. I am not getting any younger and my husband may or may not have active sperm. We could try invitro (doc told us that may be possible) but after spending the last year in the hospital I feel like we are going from one medical struggle to another.

I am sorry I am a bit "all over the place" with this issue. I had lunch with my husband today and I just started crying and feeling so hopeless about the baby issue. I just can't tell what I am supposed to do. I wish God would give me a sign. Should I give up on the dream, see a fertility doc in April, try and adopt??? I just figured the women here would know be able to relate.

[wbntrn]

I hope it becomes clear to you what to do. Maybe after a little time passes it will. I know how much thinking about having a baby takes up your time and thoughts. Its a struggle for me to think about anything else since we decided we were ready for the next one. Its hard to accept when your plans don't happen the way you have invisioned them. Whenever you feel like getting something off your chest just go ahead.....that is what i like about posting here. You can say whatever you need to say whenever you need to say it...

[mom4kitties]

Margaret, I'm glad that you have found this place to express your feelings. It is very easy to get caught up in taking care of someone you love and neglect yourself in the process. It will take time, but only the two of you will truly know what is the right choice for you. Like you said, there are many options, but none of them are easy. I hope that you are able to find some peace in getting some of these feelings out and I want you to know that we are here for you!!

[Margaret]

Thanks so much for all that answered and cared about my situation. I did speak with my husband last night and I guess the best course of action is to sit tight until April...which is the same month as my birthday, UGH 35 here I come. The clock is ticking for sure. I wish everyone here lots of support and BFP

[jenedens6102]

It's ok to be all over the place and not know what to do or where to turn next. It's perfectly normal. You've been dealt a huge blow and now you are left trying to pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here. It's bound to happen, I can only imagine what things have been like for you and your husband and your family.

[Margaret]

It can be tough. In a 24 hour period you learn that your husband has cancer and the plans you had for your future have suddenly changed.

I worried he may die, I had to care for our son and the home with no help at all because he was so sick...and at the same time care for him. Going to the cancer center everyday and trying to work full time was so taxing.

Then hearing he may never be able to have more childern was a big blow too. Maybe it was wrong to hold out hope but sometimes that is all you have.

[mrsjanowski]

I know what it's like to feel incomplete even though you have one child... I went throught this before we finally got pregnant and after almost giving up 100% so I feel your pain on that note. On another note, I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's cancer, I hope this is not something that will come up at a later time in his life as well. You do have a son, who I'm sure means the world to you, just remember to be strong for him always. My thoughts are with you and your family and I hope that some day you have the success in conceiving another child whether your family decides donor sperm or not. Good luck & God Bless!!!

[Margaret]

Thank you kimberly and congrads on your pregnancy....how wonderful!!!

My husband is still suffering from health problems and I do wonder what his future will look like. The amount of chemo drugs surely can't be a good thing for him and he has cronic DVT (blood clots in his jugular and arms). I guess I just did not want to look back at 55 and say "I know I should have tried"...and didn't. God has a plan for all of us and I am learning to trust him.