[babybean]

Hi everyone. I feel like such a downer posting this, but I just don't know where to turn to find people that would understand.

I'm just getting over my second failed IUI. I was on vacation when AF came and she came early, so I have to take May off because I couldn't get back to go to the dr in time.

With my first IUI, I felt it - I felt different and full of hope. With my second IUI, I felt nothing, nada, zip. The 2ww wasn't even an issue because I pretty much just forgot about it. I didn't even POAS because I just didn't feel anything at all.

My sister has a friend that just adopted a baby so I asked her to ask her friend some questions for me. They went through a private agency, which is just waaaay too expensive for us.

My sister has two beautiful girls and she and her husband are going through the process of becoming foster parents too. I was under the impression that if you were licensed to be a foster, that if the situation presented itself, you could also adopt. But after the classes and meetings they went to she has learned that you sign up for one or the other - foster only or adoption only (they don't want fosters to be under the impression that they might get to keep the child and then be heartbroken when it is taken away).

There are very few babies to adopt - it's mostly the older kids in DCF - mainly teenagers. I know that these kids need a good home too, but I want to RAISE a kid - not just have a teen in my house for a couple of years and then be off to college. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know - it's just how I feel.

I just feel so hopeless right now and angry at the world and God for putting me and DH though this. It's just not supposed to be this way.

I am the youngest of 3 kids. I remember I used to beg my mom to have another baby so I could have a little brother or sister. She would laugh and say NO WAY!! But she would tell me that someday, I would grow up, get married, buy a house and then I'd be able to have all the kids I want. Well, I'm grown, married, and have a house, but there is a huge part of me missing. I feel like the butt of some cruel cosmic joke.

I know a lot of you have been through more than I have, but after 5 years of ttc, a heart can only take being broken so much. I just feel like life and the world around me is passing me by and the harder I try and the more I hope and pray, and as positive as I try to be, I just end up further behind.

Every time I see a pregnant woman or a woman with a mess of little kids, I just wish I could trade lives with her just for a day. Just one day to see what it would be like to be a mom. Just one day of not feeling like a freak, a failure. Just one day to not have a broken heart.

[MiMa12]

first off to u. im basically in ur shoes and i know alot of the ladies here are too. ive been ttc for 6 yrs so i know exactly how u feel. i see pregnant woman all the time i i too get jealous. heck i get jealous reading about the girls on here getting a bfp so imagine. i never wouldve thought it would be so hard to have a family.

i know its hard but u can get through it. on mothers day i was with my inlaws since my mom was in NY on vacation. they all got gifts for my SIL and MIL. i sat there trying to smile and not make it obvious that i felt like crap. i just wanted to run out of there and cry.. which i did on the ride back home.

i have to skip this months cycle due to the fact my ins doesnt cover anything and i have to pay out of pocket. so my 2nd iui will be in june. i pray for me, u and every other woman on this site to get their bfp's

one day we will all get what we are wishing and praying for. i guess only time will tell when that will be.

god bless u.

[Cathy-TTC#2]

Originally Posted by babybean

Hi everyone. I feel like such a downer posting this, but I just don't know where to turn to find people that would understand.

I'm just getting over my second failed IUI. I was on vacation when AF came and she came early, so I have to take May off because I couldn't get back to go to the dr in time.

With my first IUI, I felt it - I felt different and full of hope. With my second IUI, I felt nothing, nada, zip. The 2ww wasn't even an issue because I pretty much just forgot about it. I didn't even POAS because I just didn't feel anything at all.

My sister has a friend that just adopted a baby so I asked her to ask her friend some questions for me. They went through a private agency, which is just waaaay too expensive for us.

My sister has two beautiful girls and she and her husband are going through the process of becoming foster parents too. I was under the impression that if you were licensed to be a foster, that if the situation presented itself, you could also adopt. But after the classes and meetings they went to she has learned that you sign up for one or the other - foster only or adoption only (they don't want fosters to be under the impression that they might get to keep the child and then be heartbroken when it is taken away).

There are very few babies to adopt - it's mostly the older kids in DCF - mainly teenagers. I know that these kids need a good home too, but I want to RAISE a kid - not just have a teen in my house for a couple of years and then be off to college. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know - it's just how I feel.

I just feel so hopeless right now and angry at the world and God for putting me and DH though this. It's just not supposed to be this way.

I am the youngest of 3 kids. I remember I used to beg my mom to have another baby so I could have a little brother or sister. She would laugh and say NO WAY!! But she would tell me that someday, I would grow up, get married, buy a house and then I'd be able to have all the kids I want. Well, I'm grown, married, and have a house, but there is a huge part of me missing. I feel like the butt of some cruel cosmic joke.

I know a lot of you have been through more than I have, but after 5 years of ttc, a heart can only take being broken so much. I just feel like life and the world around me is passing me by and the harder I try and the more I hope and pray, and as positive as I try to be, I just end up further behind.

Every time I see a pregnant woman or a woman with a mess of little kids, I just wish I could trade lives with her just for a day. Just one day to see what it would be like to be a mom. Just one day of not feeling like a freak, a failure. Just one day to not have a broken heart.

Hang in there baby bean! I know how you feel. Don't give up and you're not alone. Your day will come!

[Love_Drug_04]

Infertility hurts and there is no easy way to say it. Adoption is nice but I know I want to have my own biological children. I hope that does not make me a bad person.

don't give up babybean! Your turn is coming.

[infertilitynovice]

Your heart ache is so clear it brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your pain and I really hope to see your happy news next time.

[CryingInside]

There are alot of women who know exactly how you feel. I am one of them. We would love to have just one biological child. Adoption is very expensive and I have considered it, but feel that maybe my heart isn't in the right place for it right now because all I really want is a baby. Our funds are stretched to the brink of disaster LOL! IF sucks and it is soo heartbreaking, but somehow us incredibly strong women manage every day to wipe our tears and get back out there. Good luck sweetie!

[mindyfromsocal]

baby bean - I understand EVERYTHING you shared with us.

Sometimes we just need to "vent" and get out all of those emotions that we hold in for so long. It actually helped me to read what you posted. (Now I know i'm not the only one that's an emotional basketcase!)

Hang in there

[Katie1976]

I am so sorry you are blue. Vent anytime you would like.

[Aries]

I'm so sorry sweetie.I know exactly how you feel.There's only so much we can take.I'm feeling hopeless too since Mothers day cos exactly last year this time I had ectopic and all the memories just came floooding back and I've been feeling blah since.It helped me to read your post.

Hang in there

[McK73005]

Hi
I know how you feel. I just completed IUI and am due for AF this weekend. I feel it coming on. It is heartbreaking, confusing and downright UNFAIR!

Everyone tells me "it will happen"...but at what cost, especially my sanity!

Hang in there! I am right along there with you.

ME-Unexplained
Hubby-GREAT
TTC 1 year 10 months
Had Laparoscopy, HCG, EVERY test imaginable...fine, fine, fine
IUI #1--FAILED
IUI#2--Waiting for results 5-17

[HollyfromSC]

Babybean, I know exactly how you feel. About 2 months ago I wrote something very similar to what you just posted. I was so down, I felt like there was no hope for me and I was just so tired of getting AF and seeing the 1 line when I poas'd. I felt like every month I was grieving the loss of a baby. I am so sorry your going through this---I am so sorry all of us have to go through this....it is incredibly hard and no one can really understand it until they go through it themselves. All I can say is...hang in there. Your day will come! Mine just did! I got my this past cycle. I will be thinking about you, just do not give up on your dream. It will come true.

Holly

[babybean]

Thank you so much everybody. I knew I could count on the girls to cheer me up a little. Maybe I'm feeling extra blue this month because I have to take it off and I just feel like I'm doing nothing and therefore know that it'll be another month of not being pg.

On the brighter side of things, I got a call from an RX company that is like a sister company to the one I go through now for my meds, and I'll be able to save about $130-150 a month on my drugs, so that was a bit of good news I guess. If you have to take meds to get a baby, you might as well get them as cheap as possible right?

For anyone that is interested, the company is called Credo, and it doesn't cost anything to join - from what the guy on the phone was telling me, they specialize in injectable meds, so I qualified because I was taking Follistim and Ovidrel. Just thought I would put the company name out there incase any of you wanted to look into it and see if you could save some dough. If that's not allowed, I'm sorry in advance to the moderators

But again, thanks to everyone who took the time to respond - I was really losing it. Even looking at people's signatures that mention their pets was getting me depressed because DH is beyond allergic to anything with hair/fur so we can't even have cats, dogs, horses, hamsters......llamas! We got a kitten when we were first married thinking that he would just take some meds or an allergy shot, but it didn't work. After a month and 3 prescriptions, DH had to wear a mask in the house so he wouldn't breathe in the kitten. Our Dr. finally told him that if we didn't get rid of the kitten and have the apartment we lived in at the time cleaned top to bottom, there was a good chance that DH's throat would close and he could die in his sleep.....so we had to give up the kitten. I have a beta fish, but he's tough to cuddle up to when I'm feeling blue.

[CryingInside]

Wow, that stinks! I am allergic to kitties, but I have one. He just gets a bath once a week. Don't know if bathing a pet often would help or not, though. Sounds like he has serious allergies.

[babybean]

Originally Posted by CryingInside

Wow, that stinks! I am allergic to kitties, but I have one. He just gets a bath once a week. Don't know if bathing a pet often would help or not, though. Sounds like he has serious allergies.

Yeah, he's got serious issues with the animal kingdom, whereas I grew up with tons of pets around all the time. One of our friends has a dog that's one of those hyperallergenic (or whatever they call them) breeds, but he's allergic to those too. I never really thought about it before we got married, that I would never be able to have a pet - we were both always in apartments that didn't allow pets anyway. But I'm still glad I married him! He's better than a dog or cat (99% of the time, lol).

On our honeymoon we went horseback riding through a jungle in Mexico and found out the hard way that horses were on his list of no-no animals. It's a good thing his parents weren't farmers - he never would have made it!

Thanks for making me feel a little more "normal" everyone, and I'm glad that my post was able to help some of you.